Hi!
I need some relationship advice. My boyfriend and I have been together for a year and two months now. We're living together. We both work, and we tend to go home at around 9 - 10 in the evening during weekdays, either from working late or doing after work activities (like gym, etc). And by that time, either one of us or the both of us are tired and sleepy, and just want to head off to bed and sleep. The come morning, either one of us will be rushing to get back to work in the morning. So work day interaction is mainly "Good morning" and "Sweet dreams".
So I expect that on Friday nights, we'll go out together as a couple, either to dine out, watch a movie, or cook something at home; just spend some time together. Especially recently, when I'm getting work-related stress, I just want to end my week right by spending Friday night with him together.
But for the past two months, my boyfriend has always been making plans with another gay friend (his not mine). He recently rekindled this relationship with his friend because my boyfriend needed to make friends (as he's suffering from depression). I was okay with it at first, since I understand that he has to have friends. But when every time I mention on Thursday nights that I want to go out tomorrow Friday night, he'll say "Oh, I made plans to go out with E***." And I'm thinking that he always agrees to go out with his friend without asking me first if I want to go out with him on Friday night or if I want to make plans with him. And it has been like that for the past two months. And it's just really frustrating, especially when I had a rough week and I just want to unwind and get comforted by my bf.
Not to mention that he met this friend through Grindr a few years back; they started dating after meeting through Grindr, but my bf decided that he just wanted to be friends with him.
Am I being irrational for wanting to be with him on Friday nights, and getting upset because he makes plans without consulting me?
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I noticed that you didn't mention Saturdays & Sundays. Do the two of you do anything together during the weekend?
Another thing, you mentioned that both of you are too tired after work to do anything together other than sleep. But,,,, your partner isn't too tired to go out with his friend after work on Friday.
If you want Fridays to be for just the two of you, tell him how you feel. Then give your partner some time on Saturday or Sunday to spend a few hours with his friend.
If you are jealous of your partners relationship with his friend, then let your partner know how you feel about that too.
You have got to let you partner know what you are feeling and thinking. He needs to know when he's doing things that are upsetting you.
Sincerely,
Jim
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I think its important to maintain some independent socializing outside the relationship dynamic, so I don't see anything wrong with him going out by himself on the friday as long as he doesn't have any issue if you do to.
I'd also be curious to see if he was happy to have you along occasionally (because its also important to get along with partners friends)
if he wants exclusive rights to friday nights then its a problem.
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Sometimes we did indeed do stuff during Saturdays and Sundays, but not really lately, especially when he had a huge depressive episode. Last weekend, he has been so engrossed with his video games that he played the entire weekend. He was with me in the same room, but he's before his laptop and playing Civ V. Same for Sunday.
As for him being too tired on Friday. Not really. He always sets 7 pm to go out with his friend. He just skips gym and works until 6.
And I've told him this already. That sometimes, I want to go out on Friday nights because I don't think we'll be able to spend time together on Saturday or Sunday (either because he has to do something or I have to do something on those days). But no, he already made plans with his friend, and I'm the last to know. So I have to plan (re-plan) my Friday night. Am I asking too much that I be asked first if I want to make plans with him?
And now I just remembered. Sometimes, when I ask him to go out to eat on Saturday or Sunday, he'll refuse and tells me that he's on a tight budget (because of his expenses regarding his depression recovery treatment and other work-related reasons), and that our eating out is a little expensive. But I guess, he has included in his budget "going out with friend on Friday nights".
jimcrackcorn Wrote:I noticed that you didn't mention Saturdays & Sundays. Do the two of you do anything together during the weekend?
Another thing, you mentioned that both of you are too tired after work to do anything together other than sleep. But,,,, your partner isn't too tired to go out with his friend after work on Friday.
If you want Fridays to be for just the two of you, tell him how you feel. Then give your partner some time on Saturday or Sunday to spend a few hours with his friend.
If you are jealous of your partners relationship with his friend, then let your partner know how you feel about that too.
You have got to let you partner know what you are feeling and thinking. He needs to know when he's doing things that are upsetting you.
Sincerely,
Jim
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Oh, I do agree that it's important to socialize with his own friends; that's why I was okay with him going out with this friend on the first few weeks that he started doing this. What bothers me is that he's doing it every week now, and I'm not consulted whether I want to make plans for Friday night. I can't even remember the last time that we went out on a Friday night.
I only met this friend once on a Friday night. And this was when my bf invited this friend to our house on a Friday to have dinner and play Scrabble. And the funny thing is, he only asked me if it's okay that he's inviting his friend for dinner after he already invited him and already made plans. And after his friend left that night, his immediate comment to me was: "I told you he wasn't my type." It made me feel that he only wanted me hang out with him and his friend that night so to prove that he won't cheat on me with his friend.
And to be frank, I find that his friend was really obnoxious, but it's okay with me if my bf thinks that he is being a friend to him.
Undreamt Wrote:I think its important to maintain some independent socializing outside the relationship dynamic, so I don't see anything wrong with him going out by himself on the friday as long as he doesn't have any issue if you do to.
I'd also be curious to see if he was happy to have you along occasionally (because its also important to get along with partners friends)
if he wants exclusive rights to friday nights then its a problem.
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I gotta say there's a few red flags in this whole situation.
Yes, we should be able to socialize independently--at times.
But are we a couple (living together) or not? And a year long relationship is not casual dating either. I would (and do) have certain expectations of my partner.
I have made those pretty clear. I think you need to do the same.
Good luck.
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Couples counseling is perhaps the best way to go here.
Depression is a tricky thing and leads to all sorts of odd behaviors. A professional therapist will help to sort through these seeming conflicts and work with both of you as individuals and as a couple.
Personally I wouldn't mind much, might even get myself a Friday Night Friend and go do stuff with them.
This thing with both of you working so much that your weekday is essentially good morning and goodnight has most likely done severe damage to the underpinnings of the relationship, and the BF may find himself feeling more emotionally satisfied with this buddy (not sexually, but meeting needs for things like his depression).
I would sit down one day and turn off the computer, TV, radio, cellphones and all other forms of interference and sternly, but nicely tell the BF where you are, how you feel and what you need from this relationship.
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Be blunt. Be bold. Be decisive. Tell your guy you want his old friend to stay over on Friday night. Tell him you are dying to have sex with his old boyfriend because he looks like a better "lay" than he is. You are boring and I want to try a new piece of ass. Remind him he can be replaced. I bet you good money he will sit up and take notice of you. I often felt jealous and acted better. I often tried to make a guy jealous. I really loved to make up with a guy after a big fight. The sex was awe inspiring if you felt you might have lost the guy. Winning real improves a relationship. Take some risks of losing and you can really win big. Be careful, I have a life long addiction to danger. I have vertigo and found mountain climbing in the Andes utterly irresistible. Don't ask me how I survived. I did and I am typing this post.
Too many boring gay guys around. Pretty soon people will believe we are just like straight men.. I don't want to be straight. I might start voting for cowards and bullies posing as politicians. Be bold, guys. Some guy will adore you for having a real set of balls in front of strangers.
I poured my heart out in front of seminarians in NY that the love between men must be respected by religious leaders who claim to believe in God. God has never insulted or mistreated a gay man. Don't take shit from mortals who claim to be infallible.
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Personally I'd go all France on him and impose all sorts of reparations on him.
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I agree with Bowyn here.
Basically, your relationship has lost the spark. can you not gym together? There should be stuff you do together that is a relationship, and not just co-habiting.
if he is depressed, playing videogames all the time isn't going to help. make an effort for your weekends to be fun. A relationship doesn't run on autopilot just cause you moved in together.
Go for walks, see a movie. Do stuff with friends (I hope you have friends and not just eachother and your bf's grindr friend?)
Tell him how you feel. That you want to be the one he goes out with on friday. Try and get a day in the week where you make a sacrifice after work so you can do something together.
What are your mutual interests? What did you use to do when you started dating? Try to see how he reacts.
Regarding his BFF... Well. he could be getting the relationship bit from him, even if he isn't cheating. It might not even be conscious. When in a relationship you need to avoid complacency.
take him for a meal (that you pay for if he is poor due to bills) buy him a game/book he likes. Tell him how much he means to you, that you understand he is down and deppressed, but be firm that you want to try and have fun together. It only takes 3 weeks to start a habit. make your new habit that you act as a couple. not like an old married couple.
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