08-05-2013, 10:02 PM
My partner and I have been together roughly 8 months. We have, for the most part, a wonderful relationship. There is one area of imbalance and contention...he posts nude photos and jack-off videos of himself online.
Initially, much of this was done in secret/private until, after syncing our phones, I began receiving notifications to private conversations that my partner was having with other people, which also included the exchange of jack-off videos. When I brought it to his attention, he was, obviously, embarrassed and expressed to me that the video he had shared was something that he made as part of a bucket list and that his sharing it was nothing more than him returning the favor, as the guy he was messaging (who is also in a LTR) had sent him a picture. Both he and his messaging friend were harmlessly flirting with no other intentions or motives to pursue anything past what he considered "innocent". He gave me a link that led me to his "bucket list" video online and apologized for the situation. As it was the beginning of our relationship and the fact that my partner was mortified with the way that I had been made aware of these goings-on, I tried to blow it off and not attach anything to it.
Weeks progressed and, little by little, more of these messages/postings were brought to my attention. He openly admitted that he was a member of several private, by invitation only, forums in which he regularly posted photos and videos as well as commented on others posts. As I have never participated in anything of the such, I tried to initiate a conversation with my partner to gain an understanding about both why he personally felt the need to post and what his intentions were with it. He immediately became defensive, told me that it's no different than looking at porn and announced that he felt that it caused no harm to the relationship, so there's nothing to discuss. I told him that I didn't believe that that was fair. I reiterated that I was solely trying to gain an understanding, as anyone would when confronted with something that was foreign to them, especially because it affects our relationship. Seeing that he was soo frustrated and defensive, I suggested to him that until he felt he was able to discuss it rationally and for my own peace of mind, for the time being, he simply include me in his postings (keeping me in the loop) and that he did not hide it from me. He agreed.
Nothing much occurred, or so I thought, until, a month or so later, I discovered, when following the link that he had provided to me, that he had posted another, newer video. That evening I asked him about it. Again, he became incensed and defensive, told me that he had every right to post, that it had nothing to do with me, that he wasn't trying to hide it from me but rather not "throw it in my face". As he continued to rant, he inadvertently mentioned that he had been posting/messaging all along. I, of course, felt betrayed and lied to, and, rather defensively I admit, expressed that and that I didn't like him posting/messaging other people, that it upset me. He restated that it's no different than looking at porn, I rejected that response (and still do not understand the similarity) . He then told me that my intangible emotions were not his problem or issue to resolve and that if I could not provide him with a concrete reason that he agreed with AND prove to him that he was causing me or our relationship harm, that he would not stop posting. I was shocked and upset that he refused to acknowledge, let alone validate, what I was feeling and that he refused to even consider calmly discussing any of it. When I expressed that, he began what became an exhausting debate over his sexual openness versus my sexual inexperience, compared to his. Much wreckage was caused, on both sides, and the fight ended with him deciding, with no provocation or suggestion on my end , to delete all his videos and forum memberships...something that I repeatedly asked him not to do because it wasn't a solution, just a temporary way of closing the door on the subject. He went ahead and did it anyway and then ended the evening with a threat/warning that him doing so would cause resentments and would have consequences. He then terminated the conversation and said that he did not want to discuss it any further. We were both left frustrated.
Over the past several months I've noticed a decrease in my partner's libido. When I've tried to talk to him about it he says that it is just stress as well as his normal sexual ebb and flow...that he is just experiencing a lot of ebb. There have been multiple out-of-context comments from him about my being controlling (which I do not believe myself to be) and slightly, inadvertently hurtful comments referring to my sexual inexperience and him alluding to me being a jealous person. My partner has also become, almost completely, "cell-phone guy", spending almost all of our time together on his phone, social networking. Frustrated, I decided to talk to him about what is going on.
I initiated the conversation by asking him if he was happy with our relationship. He said that he is. I then asked if he was satisfied and happy with our sex life. He responded by saying that he's "open". When I asked him to explain, he said that I am simply not as sexually open and he is and he brought up two points as examples: 1-that, although I am not open to a three-way, he is 2-that I am not open to his posting online. We easily resolved the three-way conversation agreeing that if it's not a mutual decision between us, that neither one of us are interested in having one. A positive, healthy step in the right direction. Good...and we proceeded. With the posting online, I again explained to him that I am not necessarily opposed to it, but that I needed to understand why he feels so strongly about it and what his intentions are in doing so. He told me that he already explained himself and that he didn't feel it necessary to beat around that issue again. He admitted that there has been a decrease in his libido directly caused by his not being able to post and then told me that he was holding resentments against me, as he had already warned me that he would. He then became angry and defensive, lashing out at me and telling me that this is a part of his sexuality and that by not accepting it, I am rejecting who he is. He then told me that I obviously do not respect him, nor that I trust him. I tried to reassure him that that is not the case, which he did not accept. He proceeded to invalidate my feelings about all of this, telling me that he can understand them only in the context of my being insecure, but that they are, to him unfounded and no reason for me to reject him. After an hour or so of hurtful exchange, I told him that I did not realize that he viewed his posting and need for attention from people outside our relationship as a part of his sexual identity. That I have never considered porn to be a part of my sexuality, no more so than I do a bottle of lube or my hand, and that, although it doesn't make much sense to me, that I am willing to accept that that is how he views it for himself. I apologized if he felt rejected, told him that I do respect him, and explained the why's and how's of my trusting him implicitly. I told him that I would trust him to post as long as he did not hide it from me, that he did not let it negatively impact our relationship, and that he not privately message people, as I feel that that verges on building a sexual "relationship" of sorts with that individual. He agreed.
Although I am elated that we were able to resolve my partner's feelings of rejection, being disrespected and distrusted, I am left feeling very unsettled. Firstly, because I feel that a lot was given on my end to rectify any wrong or hurtful feelings that I may have caused, but very little, if any, was extended from my partner. This really troubles me and leads to concerns for our future. Secondly, because I recognize that by accepting my partners need to feel free to express his sexuality outside of our relationship I have opened myself to a new and unfamiliar vulnerability...something that I realize I will have to work through on my own and that it will mostly come with time and trust. Thirdly, there is a small part of me that nags at my heart telling me that I have been emotionally manipulated by my partner, just so he feels justified in doing whatever he wants to do. Lastly, because I am left feeling a sort of disillusionment with my relationship. I feel rather less-than, knowing that, no matter what I bring to the relationship, I will never be able to meet my partner's sexual needs. I understand that he feels that I should be happy and contented to know that his requirements from his partner are being met AND it does not change the fact that my partner has requirements for fulfillment that extend beyond our relationship...which kind of puts us in a twisted sort-of one-sided "open" relationship. It's a feeling that I don't know how to resolve. It just doesn't feel balanced.
I am wanting and hopeful for this relationship to flourish and last. I deeply love, cherish, respect and honor my partner. I believe that he feels the same for me.
I am open to, and hope to, receive any serious insights and/or advice that can be offered. Thank you.
Initially, much of this was done in secret/private until, after syncing our phones, I began receiving notifications to private conversations that my partner was having with other people, which also included the exchange of jack-off videos. When I brought it to his attention, he was, obviously, embarrassed and expressed to me that the video he had shared was something that he made as part of a bucket list and that his sharing it was nothing more than him returning the favor, as the guy he was messaging (who is also in a LTR) had sent him a picture. Both he and his messaging friend were harmlessly flirting with no other intentions or motives to pursue anything past what he considered "innocent". He gave me a link that led me to his "bucket list" video online and apologized for the situation. As it was the beginning of our relationship and the fact that my partner was mortified with the way that I had been made aware of these goings-on, I tried to blow it off and not attach anything to it.
Weeks progressed and, little by little, more of these messages/postings were brought to my attention. He openly admitted that he was a member of several private, by invitation only, forums in which he regularly posted photos and videos as well as commented on others posts. As I have never participated in anything of the such, I tried to initiate a conversation with my partner to gain an understanding about both why he personally felt the need to post and what his intentions were with it. He immediately became defensive, told me that it's no different than looking at porn and announced that he felt that it caused no harm to the relationship, so there's nothing to discuss. I told him that I didn't believe that that was fair. I reiterated that I was solely trying to gain an understanding, as anyone would when confronted with something that was foreign to them, especially because it affects our relationship. Seeing that he was soo frustrated and defensive, I suggested to him that until he felt he was able to discuss it rationally and for my own peace of mind, for the time being, he simply include me in his postings (keeping me in the loop) and that he did not hide it from me. He agreed.
Nothing much occurred, or so I thought, until, a month or so later, I discovered, when following the link that he had provided to me, that he had posted another, newer video. That evening I asked him about it. Again, he became incensed and defensive, told me that he had every right to post, that it had nothing to do with me, that he wasn't trying to hide it from me but rather not "throw it in my face". As he continued to rant, he inadvertently mentioned that he had been posting/messaging all along. I, of course, felt betrayed and lied to, and, rather defensively I admit, expressed that and that I didn't like him posting/messaging other people, that it upset me. He restated that it's no different than looking at porn, I rejected that response (and still do not understand the similarity) . He then told me that my intangible emotions were not his problem or issue to resolve and that if I could not provide him with a concrete reason that he agreed with AND prove to him that he was causing me or our relationship harm, that he would not stop posting. I was shocked and upset that he refused to acknowledge, let alone validate, what I was feeling and that he refused to even consider calmly discussing any of it. When I expressed that, he began what became an exhausting debate over his sexual openness versus my sexual inexperience, compared to his. Much wreckage was caused, on both sides, and the fight ended with him deciding, with no provocation or suggestion on my end , to delete all his videos and forum memberships...something that I repeatedly asked him not to do because it wasn't a solution, just a temporary way of closing the door on the subject. He went ahead and did it anyway and then ended the evening with a threat/warning that him doing so would cause resentments and would have consequences. He then terminated the conversation and said that he did not want to discuss it any further. We were both left frustrated.
Over the past several months I've noticed a decrease in my partner's libido. When I've tried to talk to him about it he says that it is just stress as well as his normal sexual ebb and flow...that he is just experiencing a lot of ebb. There have been multiple out-of-context comments from him about my being controlling (which I do not believe myself to be) and slightly, inadvertently hurtful comments referring to my sexual inexperience and him alluding to me being a jealous person. My partner has also become, almost completely, "cell-phone guy", spending almost all of our time together on his phone, social networking. Frustrated, I decided to talk to him about what is going on.
I initiated the conversation by asking him if he was happy with our relationship. He said that he is. I then asked if he was satisfied and happy with our sex life. He responded by saying that he's "open". When I asked him to explain, he said that I am simply not as sexually open and he is and he brought up two points as examples: 1-that, although I am not open to a three-way, he is 2-that I am not open to his posting online. We easily resolved the three-way conversation agreeing that if it's not a mutual decision between us, that neither one of us are interested in having one. A positive, healthy step in the right direction. Good...and we proceeded. With the posting online, I again explained to him that I am not necessarily opposed to it, but that I needed to understand why he feels so strongly about it and what his intentions are in doing so. He told me that he already explained himself and that he didn't feel it necessary to beat around that issue again. He admitted that there has been a decrease in his libido directly caused by his not being able to post and then told me that he was holding resentments against me, as he had already warned me that he would. He then became angry and defensive, lashing out at me and telling me that this is a part of his sexuality and that by not accepting it, I am rejecting who he is. He then told me that I obviously do not respect him, nor that I trust him. I tried to reassure him that that is not the case, which he did not accept. He proceeded to invalidate my feelings about all of this, telling me that he can understand them only in the context of my being insecure, but that they are, to him unfounded and no reason for me to reject him. After an hour or so of hurtful exchange, I told him that I did not realize that he viewed his posting and need for attention from people outside our relationship as a part of his sexual identity. That I have never considered porn to be a part of my sexuality, no more so than I do a bottle of lube or my hand, and that, although it doesn't make much sense to me, that I am willing to accept that that is how he views it for himself. I apologized if he felt rejected, told him that I do respect him, and explained the why's and how's of my trusting him implicitly. I told him that I would trust him to post as long as he did not hide it from me, that he did not let it negatively impact our relationship, and that he not privately message people, as I feel that that verges on building a sexual "relationship" of sorts with that individual. He agreed.
Although I am elated that we were able to resolve my partner's feelings of rejection, being disrespected and distrusted, I am left feeling very unsettled. Firstly, because I feel that a lot was given on my end to rectify any wrong or hurtful feelings that I may have caused, but very little, if any, was extended from my partner. This really troubles me and leads to concerns for our future. Secondly, because I recognize that by accepting my partners need to feel free to express his sexuality outside of our relationship I have opened myself to a new and unfamiliar vulnerability...something that I realize I will have to work through on my own and that it will mostly come with time and trust. Thirdly, there is a small part of me that nags at my heart telling me that I have been emotionally manipulated by my partner, just so he feels justified in doing whatever he wants to do. Lastly, because I am left feeling a sort of disillusionment with my relationship. I feel rather less-than, knowing that, no matter what I bring to the relationship, I will never be able to meet my partner's sexual needs. I understand that he feels that I should be happy and contented to know that his requirements from his partner are being met AND it does not change the fact that my partner has requirements for fulfillment that extend beyond our relationship...which kind of puts us in a twisted sort-of one-sided "open" relationship. It's a feeling that I don't know how to resolve. It just doesn't feel balanced.
I am wanting and hopeful for this relationship to flourish and last. I deeply love, cherish, respect and honor my partner. I believe that he feels the same for me.
I am open to, and hope to, receive any serious insights and/or advice that can be offered. Thank you.
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