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Partner posting nude photos...not sure how to feel (long post...sorry)
#1
My partner and I have been together roughly 8 months. We have, for the most part, a wonderful relationship. There is one area of imbalance and contention...he posts nude photos and jack-off videos of himself online.

Initially, much of this was done in secret/private until, after syncing our phones, I began receiving notifications to private conversations that my partner was having with other people, which also included the exchange of jack-off videos. When I brought it to his attention, he was, obviously, embarrassed and expressed to me that the video he had shared was something that he made as part of a bucket list and that his sharing it was nothing more than him returning the favor, as the guy he was messaging (who is also in a LTR) had sent him a picture. Both he and his messaging friend were harmlessly flirting with no other intentions or motives to pursue anything past what he considered "innocent". He gave me a link that led me to his "bucket list" video online and apologized for the situation. As it was the beginning of our relationship and the fact that my partner was mortified with the way that I had been made aware of these goings-on, I tried to blow it off and not attach anything to it.

Weeks progressed and, little by little, more of these messages/postings were brought to my attention. He openly admitted that he was a member of several private, by invitation only, forums in which he regularly posted photos and videos as well as commented on others posts. As I have never participated in anything of the such, I tried to initiate a conversation with my partner to gain an understanding about both why he personally felt the need to post and what his intentions were with it. He immediately became defensive, told me that it's no different than looking at porn and announced that he felt that it caused no harm to the relationship, so there's nothing to discuss. I told him that I didn't believe that that was fair. I reiterated that I was solely trying to gain an understanding, as anyone would when confronted with something that was foreign to them, especially because it affects our relationship. Seeing that he was soo frustrated and defensive, I suggested to him that until he felt he was able to discuss it rationally and for my own peace of mind, for the time being, he simply include me in his postings (keeping me in the loop) and that he did not hide it from me. He agreed.

Nothing much occurred, or so I thought, until, a month or so later, I discovered, when following the link that he had provided to me, that he had posted another, newer video. That evening I asked him about it. Again, he became incensed and defensive, told me that he had every right to post, that it had nothing to do with me, that he wasn't trying to hide it from me but rather not "throw it in my face". As he continued to rant, he inadvertently mentioned that he had been posting/messaging all along. I, of course, felt betrayed and lied to, and, rather defensively I admit, expressed that and that I didn't like him posting/messaging other people, that it upset me. He restated that it's no different than looking at porn, I rejected that response (and still do not understand the similarity) . He then told me that my intangible emotions were not his problem or issue to resolve and that if I could not provide him with a concrete reason that he agreed with AND prove to him that he was causing me or our relationship harm, that he would not stop posting. I was shocked and upset that he refused to acknowledge, let alone validate, what I was feeling and that he refused to even consider calmly discussing any of it. When I expressed that, he began what became an exhausting debate over his sexual openness versus my sexual inexperience, compared to his. Much wreckage was caused, on both sides, and the fight ended with him deciding, with no provocation or suggestion on my end , to delete all his videos and forum memberships...something that I repeatedly asked him not to do because it wasn't a solution, just a temporary way of closing the door on the subject. He went ahead and did it anyway and then ended the evening with a threat/warning that him doing so would cause resentments and would have consequences. He then terminated the conversation and said that he did not want to discuss it any further. We were both left frustrated.

Over the past several months I've noticed a decrease in my partner's libido. When I've tried to talk to him about it he says that it is just stress as well as his normal sexual ebb and flow...that he is just experiencing a lot of ebb. There have been multiple out-of-context comments from him about my being controlling (which I do not believe myself to be) and slightly, inadvertently hurtful comments referring to my sexual inexperience and him alluding to me being a jealous person. My partner has also become, almost completely, "cell-phone guy", spending almost all of our time together on his phone, social networking. Frustrated, I decided to talk to him about what is going on.

I initiated the conversation by asking him if he was happy with our relationship. He said that he is. I then asked if he was satisfied and happy with our sex life. He responded by saying that he's "open". When I asked him to explain, he said that I am simply not as sexually open and he is and he brought up two points as examples: 1-that, although I am not open to a three-way, he is 2-that I am not open to his posting online. We easily resolved the three-way conversation agreeing that if it's not a mutual decision between us, that neither one of us are interested in having one. A positive, healthy step in the right direction. Good...and we proceeded. With the posting online, I again explained to him that I am not necessarily opposed to it, but that I needed to understand why he feels so strongly about it and what his intentions are in doing so. He told me that he already explained himself and that he didn't feel it necessary to beat around that issue again. He admitted that there has been a decrease in his libido directly caused by his not being able to post and then told me that he was holding resentments against me, as he had already warned me that he would. He then became angry and defensive, lashing out at me and telling me that this is a part of his sexuality and that by not accepting it, I am rejecting who he is. He then told me that I obviously do not respect him, nor that I trust him. I tried to reassure him that that is not the case, which he did not accept. He proceeded to invalidate my feelings about all of this, telling me that he can understand them only in the context of my being insecure, but that they are, to him unfounded and no reason for me to reject him. After an hour or so of hurtful exchange, I told him that I did not realize that he viewed his posting and need for attention from people outside our relationship as a part of his sexual identity. That I have never considered porn to be a part of my sexuality, no more so than I do a bottle of lube or my hand, and that, although it doesn't make much sense to me, that I am willing to accept that that is how he views it for himself. I apologized if he felt rejected, told him that I do respect him, and explained the why's and how's of my trusting him implicitly. I told him that I would trust him to post as long as he did not hide it from me, that he did not let it negatively impact our relationship, and that he not privately message people, as I feel that that verges on building a sexual "relationship" of sorts with that individual. He agreed.

Although I am elated that we were able to resolve my partner's feelings of rejection, being disrespected and distrusted, I am left feeling very unsettled. Firstly, because I feel that a lot was given on my end to rectify any wrong or hurtful feelings that I may have caused, but very little, if any, was extended from my partner. This really troubles me and leads to concerns for our future. Secondly, because I recognize that by accepting my partners need to feel free to express his sexuality outside of our relationship I have opened myself to a new and unfamiliar vulnerability...something that I realize I will have to work through on my own and that it will mostly come with time and trust. Thirdly, there is a small part of me that nags at my heart telling me that I have been emotionally manipulated by my partner, just so he feels justified in doing whatever he wants to do. Lastly, because I am left feeling a sort of disillusionment with my relationship. I feel rather less-than, knowing that, no matter what I bring to the relationship, I will never be able to meet my partner's sexual needs. I understand that he feels that I should be happy and contented to know that his requirements from his partner are being met AND it does not change the fact that my partner has requirements for fulfillment that extend beyond our relationship...which kind of puts us in a twisted sort-of one-sided "open" relationship. It's a feeling that I don't know how to resolve. It just doesn't feel balanced.

I am wanting and hopeful for this relationship to flourish and last. I deeply love, cherish, respect and honor my partner. I believe that he feels the same for me.

I am open to, and hope to, receive any serious insights and/or advice that can be offered. Thank you.
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#2
Few questions come to my mind after reading your thread:

1. How old is your partner?
2. Is he posting to several websites or only the one you mentioned?
3. In the messages him and his online buddies share is there anything that suggest they would meet?
5. Is there more person involve or is it a private sharing activities with two or three other members?
4. Have you tried to take part of his fetish?

Me and my dude used to be on Cam4 and doing some shows together... but after a while it just died off and although we still film ourselves while having sex we do not post it anymore. And we agreed that wherever I have an account I also invite my dude to join... sometimes he participates and sometimes not... like in here right now he did join and participate much more actively than the other forum I am registered to.

I know it may not be your cup of tea... but try to meet your partner half way and see for yourself how it works when he goes online... you do not have to show yourself, or be naked... but present the hand that jerks him off. Doing so in my couple , did also send a message that we are connected at 100%, that I take part in my husband's sexual activities and sexual life. Check with if if he'd like you to join... at least just ask the question... and from the answer you would know the next step. Not jumping to conclusions but if he says no I don;t want you in... that should raise a whole lot of other questions.
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#3
This was my original reply to Jake... which showed up several hours later.

[quote=Jake]Few questions come to my mind after reading your thread:

1. How old is your partner?
2. Is he posting to several websites or only the one you mentioned?
3. In the messages him and his online buddies share is there anything that suggest they would meet?
5. Is there more person involve or is it a private sharing activities with two or three other members?
4. Have you tried to take part of his fetish?

Jake, thank you for taking the time to read and respond. I'll start with answering your questions:

1. He's 38, I'm 37
2. Multiple websites and google hangouts and text.
3. There has never been anything alluding to him meeting up with anyone, no.
4. As of yet, I have not tried to take part in his fetish (a term he hates when relating to this topic.) He has never invited me to participate. I am not closed to the idea, though, and, at least for the time being, do not know how I would feel about appearing in those posts...although I can get on board with the whole "being the hand". :0)
5. On the forums, there are hundreds of members, some of whom he is personally acquainted with. The hangouts, as far as I know, are with individuals. The text, are obviously private.

I think that my main frustrations and unsettled emotions surrounding this lie in the fact that there is little explanation without taking a defensive stance, I am virtually unable to ask any questions without him taking offense, and the blatant disregard for my feelings...so pretty much how the situation has been handled, rather than the situation itself. Don't get me wrong, I'm uncomfortable with the situation itself, but no more so than I am when opening myself to anything new...just the discomfort of uncharted territory.

It would put a lot of uncertainty, my mind and over-processing to rest if I were able to be a member of the websites that he posts on. However, he chooses to post on forums that are private, by invitation only. When I asked him about obtaining an invitation, he was very vague in his response, stating only that he is unable to offer me an invite, so that is not an option...as things, so far, have only been on his terms. With all of it, but especially the hangouts and text, he does not feel that it is his responsibility to offer me a laundry list of what he's sharing and with whom. If I have any response to that, I am being untrusting. Can you seen the imbalance I spoke of? It's a lot of give on my end, and very little on his. There's very little being offered to work with, but with a lot of requirement being demanded. At least that's how it feels.

I would, most certainly, appreciate it if my relationship more mirrored yours...with healthy boundaries and mutual respect. How wonderful for you! It gives me hope. Thank you
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#4
Jake... thank you for taking the time to read and respond. I'll start by answering your questions:

1. We're both 38.
2. He is posting to multiple websites, hangouts and text.
3. There is nothing that I have read that alludes to him meeting up with anyone.
4. As of yet, I have not attempted to take part in his fetish (a term that offends him when referring to this, lol) He has not yet extended an invitation for nor shown interest in my participation. I am not opposed to it, although I think that my participation, at least at first, would have to be that of playing the hand, as you mentioned.
5. It is both. The online forums have hundreds of members, several with whom he personally knows. The hangouts have been, as far as I know, with sole individuals, as are the text.

To be honest, most of what I struggle with is not with the situation itself, but with the way it has been handled and the lack of knowing what this means for both the relationship and my place within it. Don't get me wrong, I am uncomfortable with the situation, but no more so than I would be when confronted with anything new... the discomfort associated with uncharted territory.

As far as the posting itself, I am hopeful that with time and understanding that our relationship will mirror something similar to yours... one of agreement with healthy boundaries, acceptance, understanding and respect. Good for you!!! :0) Thank you for your interest, advice and encouragement. It is greatly appreciated.
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#5
I read the first few lines, and thats all I needed.

I would never tolerate that, in any way, shape, or form.

Do these people not realize this shit comes back to stab them when they really need something?
A job? A loan? Help?

You post your stupidity online for the world to see, and they WILL use it against you.

I would never put myself in that position, much less allow that from a boyfriend or partner.
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#6
MisterTinkles... thanks for your response. Believe me, I have had these thoughts. There is personal accountability required here. My partner is extremely logical... I mean EXTREMELY. I am certain that he has weighed out the risks involved when it comes to his public persona. Where that is involved, I have to respect his decision. It is his life and his reputation, after all.
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#7
yeah I agree with MisterTinkles in that I would not put up with this kind of behavior from my bf at all. I once thought my bf had posted some videos to a website that he liked(I misunderstood what he meant - he said he'd posted videos to a bear website and I thought the implication was that he sent in videos of himself not of porn videos since it was a video sharing site basically). Yeah I think that is the most hurt Ive ever been with him. It was one of the few things that basically made me want to break up with him.

Just the fact that he kept something that is so intricately intimate secret in your relationship sends a very clear red flag up saying, "HEY LOOK AT ME SOMETHING IS WRONG HERE!" Added to the fact that he has become defensive since you accidentally found out about it(apparently he never meant for you to find out) and is unwilling to compromise that would be more than enough for me to seal the deal on breaking up. Im not one to usually advocate to straight away break up with someone but cheating in any form I cant tolerate. To me that would be cheating.
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#8
Kawaiikitty... thank you for your response. Your insight hits close to home, especially considering that he is frustrated and upset with me that I did not tell him at the beginning of our relationship that I was uncomfortable with this, while he neglects to acknowledge that he, himself, did not tell me he was doing it in the first place.

I've struggled long and hard over the past several months over whether or not this is indeed cheating. My logic tells me that it is, in some form or another. My heart, however, tells me that I know my partner better than to think or assume that he would cheat on me. He is fiercely loyal and honorable in his commitments. What I have realized and accepted is that if he viewed this as cheating, it would not be an issue as it would not be taking place.

What causes the most harm is his lack in being able to see that, while it is indeed his right as a person to express his sexuality as he sees fit, it is also his responsibility to address any hurt that his decision(s) may cause and make the proper adjustment and, if necessary, amends to make it right. Just as it is unhealthy for me to expect him to change who he is, it is equally so for him to expect me to change how I feel about this. As I believe that I said before, I recognize my personal responsibility to acknowledge and address my own insecurities. What would be nice is if my partner could step outside of himself and try to understand how this might be for me, recognizing the difficulty that I am experiencing in this... the decision that I have had to make, pushing my own personal morals, views and emotions aside to accept my partner as he is and then having to deal with the realty that my partner requires something beyond what I am able to provide in our relationship to meet his sexual needs. It truly is, for me, about having to redefine and re-establish my personal role and trying to discover my importance in our relationship...something that I believe is of equal responsibility between the both of us, just as I feel it is for me to be willing to do and be for him... and I am, obviously.
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#9
He should have stopped this sort of thing once you two became a relationship. further, he should have told you about this type of proclivity because many do view it as 'cheating' and want their partner all to them self.

I personally wouldn't put up with it, unless this is how he earns money, then I expect my 63.33% cut.
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#10
Boweyn Aerrow... believe me, if it were for money, there would be no issue. I would have been aware of it from the start AND should I have decided to stick it out, 63.33% would be agreeable with the stipulation that he spent a good portion of his remaining on showering me with gifts. ;0)
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