I know I have hardly posted on here and been quite recluse since I joined a couple of months ago but something is beginning to grate on me and I thought I'd do the typical thing and come vent on a forum! :-P So here it goes...
I find since accepting my own sexuality I've started to outgrow my straight friends and seem to have become intolerable of the narrow minded comments that occasionally sprout out of their mouth's, degrading peoples demeanour like what they wear, act or like. Some days I just feel like saying why does it matter? If people derive a sense of confidence from what they do then why should you remove that from? It just doesn't make sense to me to box yourself off from people based on materialistic items or character traits. I just find it quite annoying because we use to do so much together and I've known them since high school but now its like I even feel reluctant to hang out with them.
Is anyone else experienced this? Is it all just a phase of growing up? The only way I can describe it is like I feel like I'm thinking on a different wavelength to them now, like going through my acceptance has opened me up to how beautifully diverse this world is. Usually when I sense incompatibility with people I've just met I know that its not worth my time to make effort on a friendship but this is completely new to me given that these are my closest friends but some of the things that they say make me feel just uncomfortable to be around them.
I've experienced a similar thing back in my High School days, and well to be honest
I'm still experiencing it now as an adult.
We all grow out of what we thought then would be lasting friendships. The ones that do stick around for the long run are the ones that matter.
If you want to, and if you want to try to keep the friendship, maybe you can talk to them about the comments they make about other peoples differences? Or you can just let each other slowly and peacefully drift apart.
I am familiar with the kind of friends you have, and if they act the way they do and are pretty immature, maybe you should try and make friends who have similar or in the same level of maturity as you are?
Friends come and go and you will eventually find a group of people you'll be comfortable being around with. Good luck :]
I think everyone goes through this, until they settle down with a group of friends good enough to write a sitcom about. At the end of the day, we're changing and maturing all the time, and so are our friends - but it'll happening at different rates, and in different ways, as we prioritize new interests, different people, etc.
The best thing to do is just go with the flow, enjoy things while they last, and learn to accept when they're over. Personally, I've noticed that my social circle tends to go through a massive overhaul about once or twice a year. I never notice it at the time of course, it tends to be too gradual, but in general I end up getting really close to a small group, and we end up moving onto new things within 6 months tops.
Been that way since highschool, I think because unless you have something specific bringing you together (like going to the same place every day, and not having a choice in the matter), it's far easier to drift apart, or be pulled in different directions by your lives outside the group.
First, don't hold yourself so scarce let us also have the pleasure of your wisdom on things..
To your post.
In a word Maturity.
Very often people, (of any age) say immature / silly / irrelavent things just to get the attention of their peers.
Seems you've outgrown that because you understand the hurt and other implications behind that crap.
One possible solution is to confront the other guys directly EG
" Common guys, enough of the childish crap already" or "Isn't about time you grew up"?
There response will tell you immediately if it's time to move on and up
Kind regards
Trial by error
I wouldn't go so far as to calling it wisdom! mile: Though I think I'll be imputing a lot more than I have been over the coming weeks hopefully!
Don't get me wrong I love being a bit immature in a fun way but when its down right insulting to people and more importantly behind their back, I find it petty.
Like I think I shocked a lot of friends when I came out to them because I got the reaction of "Well you don't look or act very gay!" But reading between the lines I think they only accept me because of that. Like I wouldn't feel comfortable showing them the people I frequent bars with and I think this frustrates me because I can't share that part of my life with them. I'll just see how it goes, I know they will still be part of my life because we still do things together but I think maybe with how much I've changed and grown up these past couple of months might be too much for them to take on board right now.
But thanks guys its just reassuring enough to know someone out there is listening to my ramblings!
Reminds me a joke/anecdote by Simon Amstell in which he recalls a moment at 16 years of age when his group of friends first started drinking, during which he suddenly exclaimed "This is ridiculous, we're children!"
Personally I think its just a sign of getting older and maturing.
Getting older usually brings responsibilities especially in the relationship department. For your straight friends that means girlfriends, relationships, babies, houses/mortgages etc. As a single gay man whose getting or just gotten comfortable with your sexuality, the world has become your oyster. Unfortunately in the process you've also outgrown your straight friends. They don't want to party like its 1999 anymore, their too busy feeding babies and buying nappies!
As you're also finding, people in general (and younger people in particular) have become very materialistic these days. As your the "gay one" whose perceived to have no responsibilities, your straight friends make assumptions about your lifestyle which often leads to jealousy, not because your gay, but because your a free spirit.
If you've out grown your immediate circle of friends, maybe its time to move on and find some more.
The sad truth is that you will move past many of your straight friends simply because you are gay. It happens to many gay and lesbian people after they come out. The first to go are the intolerant, for obvious reasons. But even after that, friends who are accepting of your sexuality may not be so accepting that they want to hear about your love life. Also, dating in the straight world is different than dating in the gay world and many of your life experiences are going to be different from here on out. Even having kids is different. For us it is a choice, but for many straight men and women, having kids is often an ill-planned side effect of a night of passion.
IMO- all of the differences tends to drive a wedge between even the strongest friendships. That doesn't mean that it has to do so. It just means that it becomes significantly more difficult to carry on friendships with people with which you have less in common. Many of us have been in the situation of being the token gay or bi guy in a group of straights, and it can be a very uncomfortable feeling. It's okay though. Life moves on. The friends who are true friends will always be there, even over the expanse of miles and the span of years. In the meantime, you will make other friends and hopefully find a group who will become like a family. Good luck.
Outgrowning your once closest friends.
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mile: Though I think I'll be imputing a lot more than I have been over the coming weeks hopefully!