I joined this forum because I don't really know to understand my feelings. I was never the girl who liked other little girls on the playground, I didn't have crushes on both genders. I never had any inclination or feelings or questions about my sexuality. I liked guys. In high school (8 years ago) I went to a movie with a friend of mine, Jenny. I never thought about her in any other way than a friend, but I didn't know her super well. And during the movie, she grabbed my hand (it was a horror movie) and it just dawned on me. Right then, right there. I liked it. I felt this rush of emotion for her. Nothing ever happened because let's face it, it was high school and I wasn't about to tell my friend that I liked the way she held my hand. So time went on, and nothing really ever happened like that again. Every now and then, I found myself thinking a certain girl was attractive to me, not just pretty, but they were fleeting feelings. Then two years ago, a good friend of mine admitted she liked me as more than a friend and I didn't share the attraction, she was my best friend, but nothing more. Then one night at a party, we were both drinking and god, this sounds so cliché but we ended up kissing. I feel like she sort of forced it and sadly, I end up flirtatious when I drink but our friendship recovered but still - I felt nothing beyond a friendship with her. Three years later, and I'm engaged to a man, Chris. I love him, but a few months ago these bicurious feelings emerged. Not once in the three years with Chris did I feel like this and it's confusing. They aren't just small feelings, but very strong and emotionally frustrating. I feel like everytime I watch a show or do anything, there's women in a relationship on TV or right there. I'm not one of those people who thinks that's a "sign" or whatever but I'm not sure what's bringing these feelings to light now. I'm not unhappy in my relationship, I don't feel pressured. Chris even knows that I have had bicurious feelings and was supportive. I even told him about my recent feelings. I just feel like an ass, for having them, for not knowing what to do, and not having anyone to talk to. I hate feelings like this. Having these feelings about women. Not because I'm ashamed or I'm afraid what others will think. But because I'm in a very serious relationship with a guy. Not just any guy - a great guy. A guy who has listened to me talk about these feelings without judgement and with a lot of understanding. So why do I feel like such an asshole? Oh yeah - because I'm literally telling my fiancé that I'm having these feelings of wondering about being with women. It's not like a met someone, I didn't fall in love with someone else, I don't even have a crush for gods sake. They just started coming up very strongly, and it made me feel like I should have experimented before I got serious with someone. He mentioned that a possibility is to explore the feelings, but isn't that still cheating if both people agree? What kind of person does that make me? Selfish for sure. And even if we decide it's the only option for not having these feelings - then what? I can't just make someone appear out of thin air. What if I like it? Won't that just cemement the feelings I'm already feelings? That I like men and women? So, I'll have an official experience. What then? Where does that leave me? Him?
![[-]](https://gayspeak.com/images/duende_v3_local/collapse.png)
•
Welcome to the wonderful curse of mixed sexual feelings. The important thing here is that you are being completely open and honest with Chris. It sounds like he really loves you too. You are definitely lucky to have someone like him, since there are plenty of people who would not accept your curiosity. I know women go through this a little differently than men do a lot of the time, but I won't get into that crap.
I think you just need to look at this from another perspective. Let's assume Chris has brown hair. Would you feel guilty if you were also attracted to men with blond hair and felt like you were missing out on not sleeping with said blond man? Just because you are attracted to someone who looks differently than your significant other doesn't mean you are a bad person. It's just attraction, which is nothing to be ashamed of. It also doesn't mean you are any less attracted to Chris, which is very important here.
I suggest that you just keep talking it out with Chris. As long as you two both go through this together as a couple, you will do just fine. Hang in there and good luck!
•
welcome to gay speak
gay or straight relationships are much the same but if you would be more successful in a same sex relationship that is where you need to be.
Putting a label on it is bad; you your self should figure what you need and act on it. A gay person in a straight situation dosnt create a strong family.
•
pellaz Wrote:welcome to gay speak
gay or straight relationships are much the same but if you would be more successful in a same sex relationship that is where you need to be.
Putting a label on it is bad; you your self should figure what you need and act on it. A gay person in a straight situation dosnt create a strong family.
I guess I'm just not sure if that's where I "need" to be. How can I when I've had no experience. A lot of people are saying "take your time" and "It'll be ok" but I need some real advice on what to actually do...
•
VileKyle Wrote:Welcome to the wonderful curse of mixed sexual feelings. The important thing here is that you are being completely open and honest with Chris. It sounds like he really loves you too. You are definitely lucky to have someone like him, since there are plenty of people who would not accept your curiosity. I know women go through this a little differently than men do a lot of the time, but I won't get into that crap.
I think you just need to look at this from another perspective. Let's assume Chris has brown hair. Would you feel guilty if you were also attracted to men with blond hair and felt like you were missing out on not sleeping with said blond man? Just because you are attracted to someone who looks differently than your significant other doesn't mean you are a bad person. It's just attraction, which is nothing to be ashamed of. It also doesn't mean you are any less attracted to Chris, which is very important here.
I suggest that you just keep talking it out with Chris. As long as you two both go through this together as a couple, you will do just fine. Hang in there and good luck!
But what will talking really do? I mean, what would you do? Have you seen others with this problem?
•
Everyone is so different
Ill try to explain some of my feelings.
I was married about 7tears and never had a thought about myself being gay. A couple of things happened that forced me to think more of myself.
Daughter graduated from college
I became very active and liked my self more
Developed quite a collection of straight friends
Knew I was gay and I asked for a divorce, the wife said no. We tried to get back together but no energy. Wonder why. Filed in 2009, finalized in 2010. I felt trapped and thus never let on anything. If we did get back together I would have made it work. My wife is a very nice person. I guess I like everyone, it's an odd emotion, I could function but like boys. I am more functional with a man.
Been with my husband about 4 years. Been through dome rough stuff but we are tighter than many couples i know. We would like to get married if they let us. Just a matter of time.
•
First of all, thanks for being honest and sharing your feelings here on GS. We always try to help each other out in these type of situations. Your very lucky to have someone who is very open and understanding of your feelings. I have to agree with what most people are telling you on here though. Forget the words gay, lesbian, straight, bisexual, pansexual, whatever word identifies sexuality. Focus on you alone and think who is it you like? Its not oh I like girls or oh I like guys, its which person do I want to be with?
•
SarahSummer Wrote:But what will talking really do? I mean, what would you do? Have you seen others with this problem?
Yes and no. When I was married, I wasn't ready to come out or even accept anything about my feelings. I did struggle with it and I wish I would have been comfortable enough to talk with my wife about it. Would it have saved my marriage? Not in my case, since that broke apart for entirely different reasons. It would have made things smoother for me though. My advice, really, is to go through this 100% with Chris. Let him in on everything, whether you have to talk to other people or not. I didn't just mean talk to him; you should also include him. If you do that and he is as committed as you are, this alone will not damage your relationship. If you need some outside support, you might search your area for support groups about sexuality. They're great because you are just talking to your peers face-to-face. I'm not involved with those for sexuality, but I am in a group for something entirely different. They work wonders.
•
|
Bicurious feelings & confusion
