He wants children, I don't. How long can this last?

[Anonymous]

Hey.

So, we've been together for 4 years, 2 of which we've been living together. Lately I haven't been feeling that happy, we've argued a lot over silly things and I'd say we don't enjoy each others company as much as we used to. I haven't broken up with him because I want to believe in us. For almost all of that time my boyfriend has been telling me he definitely wants to have children, and I've been telling him that I don't. Ever. It used to look like he's fine with it, but we had the baby talk a couple of days ago. After I told him I don't want to have children, he said that one day I'll change my mind. I said I won't, because I won't. I don't like children at all and I'm pursuing a career that I will travel a lot for so kids are out of the picture. But after he said I'll change my mind, it kinda dawned on me. Sure, he's with me because he likes me, but has he not left (because of the baby issue) because he thinks I'll change my mind? I even asked him if this will eventually be a deal breaker, he didn't say anything.

Question: What am I to do? Should I let him go? If he wants children, he should try have them with someone who wants them too, right?

[Undreamt]

Sounds like you both think that the other person will change their mind.

Its probably worthwhile sitting down and duking it out once and for all.
No point putting off the inevitable if you can't work out a compromise or come to an agreement do you really want to keep dragging it out?

[Bowyn Aerrow]

I lectured someone on resentments last night. I am not going to to tailor write a book for you, so go to that post, read through it and change whatever scenario you need to change to reflect something going on in your relationship.

This child thing is a resentment and it will start pulling your relationship apart.

Most likely the child thing has been simmering underneath a lot of other crap. I wouldn't be surprised if the main cause of your arguments of silly crap isn't actually symbolic argument for a bigger issue like - I want a baby.


The fact that your relationship is already on unsteady ground should preclude any notion of bringing a child in there. That would be selfish, and would but the child at severe risk of having issues because the parents are always fighting.

I do hope he isn't one of those people who make the mistake of thinking that a child will fix the relationship, forcing the parents to have to stay together for the child. That never ends well for the child.

There was a guy I was dating that I sorta had the hots for, and we were kinda connecting pretty well, then he start going on and on and on about how exciting it was to know that gay couples can now adopt children and how he wanted to adopt a little boy and a little girl.... yada yada yada.... I opted out of this potential relationship. Hawt or not, clicking or not, it was clear in my mind that his goals in life were incompatible to my goals.

If your BF wants babies that badly, then yes, he needs to opt out of this current relationship and try to find a guy who wants babies to raise.

Clearly both of you have been dead set on changing the other's mind from the get go. At least on the baby issue, no doubt there are other issues that you two have bumped heads on and decided you can fix that in the other.

If that is the case, this realtionship is heading for the rocks, if not already there.

If you two are serious about keeping together, a baby ain't going to fix that. A couples therapist will have a far greater chance of repairing your relationship and keeping you together and should actually be the thing you both are talking about.

[Edward]

What does he mean by having children? Adoption? Surrogacy?

If you're really sure that you don't ever want children, then maybe it's best to let him go. If you haven't changed your mind after 4 years then most likely you won't. As for him - people who want children can only fool themselves into pretending they don't want them. It doesn't last. I can understand you, I don't want to have children too and neither does my boyfriend, so I'm lucky I guess.

However I don't think children is something you can find a compromise about. If you would rather live without him than have children with him, then probably you should let him go.

[pellaz]

very bad
dont have children if your relationship is not going right

assume you guys can fix things
its not out of the way to assume if he wants children he can put his life on hold, you keep your career and travel. You two have lots of children, him being the stay at home husband.

[jimcrackcorn]

From what you've said, your relationship is a bit rocky right now and your not sure if you should stay with your boyfriend.

If your boyfriend is adamant about having children sometime in the future,,,, and you absolutely refuse to go along with this parenting thing,,, then let your boyfriend know that this is a deal breaker. Let him decide what to do next,, he can either give up the idea of having children, or dump you to the curb and find someone who wants to have a family.

[Beau]

Adopt a 17 year old. Then in a year he/she is an adult and you can pay to ship them off to college. No more kids. You are happy and he is happy. Problem solved.

Seriously though, I think this is a major decision point when entering a long term relationship. Kids are very important to a person. If he wants to have them and you don't, then the two of you should break up. Don't deny him the benefit of a family. It's selfish on your part.

Sit down and talk it over. One of you needs to acquiesce or you should break up so you both can be happy long term.

[Anonymous]

Update: We broke up last night. I'm starting to question my decision about ending things though I know it's for the best in the long run. This hurts so much... :'(

[EvenOlderButWiser]

Breaking up, while still living together, is going to be extremely difficult. I think you both need some breathing space, and really the only way to achieve that is to sever all contact for at least a week.

If your living together, then there is every chance things are going to get messy/ugly as the resentment and anger between you builds (and it does in 99% of all breakups).

Is he an only child? There could be some family pressure that accounts for the wanting kids pressure. EIther way, both of you need to take a step back, catch some personal time, then arrange to get together for a coffee and a serious, no holds barred talk.

Good Luck
ObW
X

[pellaz]

Update: We broke up last night

hmm, seems like you have financial business ties. Seems you two still physically live together.

just dont know... big cart full of emotional garbage in front of the horse.