So here's the situation: I've been friends with this guy for a long time, at least 10 years. Over those years I've grown to care for him more and more, to the point where now I feel like I might love him. At the very least, I care for him pretty deeply.
I've felt that way for about a few years now and have never acted on it because he has never displayed any interest in guys, only women, and I was just too afraid he'd reject me. Now, however, I'm finally a little fed up of not being able to express myself to him. I feel like I have to know, for better or worse, if it's possible for this to work out somehow.
Obviously this is a touchy subject that, worst case scenario, could end our friendship. It is for this reason that I've come here for some help/advice/guidance. How can I break this news to him with minimal chance of potential fallout? What should I do? If his answer is "no, I'm straight," should I push the issue? Or just cave in immediately? If I push it, how much is too much?
I'll add that he is a pretty easygoing nonjudgemental guy who certainly has no problem with GLBT people. He knows I'm bisexual and this has never been a problem. He's even sort of come on to me before, but I'm not sure if it was jokingly or not. I would be absolutely shocked if he condemned me for admitting my feelings for him, I'm more concerned that he'll say he's not interested and our relationship will get weird after that. I guess in addition to advice on how to actually going about telling him that I like him, I'm interested in ways to deal with it if he says no.
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You sound truthful but a bit confused. The guy you like is someone you know for 10 years. Why don't you start telling hi the truth in digestible meals. Ask him if he has ever French kissed a guy. Tell him you like him so much, you would like to experiment with your own feelings. Ask him if he will HELP you out. The word HELP is magical to the soul of a man. Every man wants to believe he is willing to HELP a friend. You are not asking him to become gay and repudiate women. You just want to explore your feelings and you TRUST him a lot. TRUST is a magical word to men. We all want to believe we are helpful and trustworthy. Find out how far he is willing to go and still be your friend. FRIEND is a magical word with guys.
Make your feelings the problem to solve. Don't force him to question his own sexuality. I made it with a lot of guys by asking them if they were curious about having sex with a guy. I would ask calmly "How would you like a blowjob performed? Teach me to do it to your exact specifications. The next time you are with a girl, you will know how to tell her how to perform oral sex. Lots of guys feel they are experts on their own bodies. Ask him what he particularly likes in his sex life. Maybe he can try it with you. If nothing else, tell him you will be truthful and promise to tell him the truth. If you are awful fucking me, I will try to tell you what you are doing wrong. SMILE and tell him you are prepared to rehearse, rehearse, rehearse, rehearse until you can star in a gay porn movie. All guys have BIG EGOS including you and your friend. Take advantage of being men who are not afraid to talk to each other.
I have made it with a lot of totally straight guys who insisted they were straight. I often fucked a straight guy the first day I met him. I was a fearless pagan who did not mind rejection. I often still stayed friends with guys after rejection. I just wished him well on his dates and affairs with women. I was such a good gay bullshit artist, I started to fall in love with women. I was shocked. I was a proud gay pagan and then became a proud bisexual pagan. I thought I might like to have sex with myself someday. Damn, I can't hack myself in half and keep breathing.
A good line of bullshit and humor can overcome anything. Relax and talk openly and truthfully with your friend. He may be having the same feelings you are.
Good luck
John
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Since he knows your bi - it would seem to me that if there were any interest on his part he would let you know.
If he "sort of comes on to you" again, ask him straight up if he is kidding or not. Then you will have your answer, without ruining the friendship.
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Keep things simple, sit him down on your couch and tell him exactly what you wrote here, that you've developed deeper feelings for him over the years and that you don't want to lose his friendship if he can't return your feelings.
But, whatever you do, if he says no, DON'T PUSH or you can kiss good bye your friendship.
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..everyone pretty much said it, but..
You just have to remember that he's most likely straight, and I know where you're
coming from. I had a guy friend like that too at one point, and I remember thinking
all these scenarios and fantasies in my head, but I got real and got my head out of
the clouds.
My friend and I drifted apart over the years and I never told him that I had those
feelings for him. There are times that I wish I did and thought how different things
might'd turned out, but I've already moved on .
So it's up to you in the end. Tell him and who knows what'll happen. He might just laugh it off and act like you didn't say anything, or he could start doing the whole avoiding thing, or he could have the same feelings for you.
OR just don't tell him and just play it out by ear and just go with the flow. And see what happens.
good luck!
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I've been on the down low for ...ever. and because of that, i've had my fair share of speculating, testing the water and crushes for straight guys, sometimes not so straight guys. still, i don't think there is a universally applicable way to solve what i had and you are having right now.
There have been four guys who i had very strong feelings for. they seemed to be straight. just pretty much the same thing as your situation. the first two were high school buddies. after i came clean with the first guy, we stopped hanging out for a while, but until the senior year, all things went back to normal. he even invited me to his wedding which was a no go on my part. the second we made out for one or two times and then he disappeared. nobody seems to know where he is right now. both of the two are straight guys. and friendship did not end just because i told them who i am and how i felt. you and this guy have a friendship of 10 years. i think it would take a really homophobic person to end things with a buddy who goes that back.
Things got really bad when i wasn't able to reveal my feelings to a guy i met in college. i couldn't sleep at night, waking random ppl in my phone contact to talk to at 2 or 3. so now how I deal with this is i always tell them how i feel. the worst case scenario has been he refusing me and still having feelings. then I tell myself "i tried," and move on. cool things off for a while, hopefully the friendship will still be there. you should know nothing is easy as how it sounds, but it is what it is. Good luck to you!
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Thank you all for your advice. I was sort of afraid I'd check this thread and find a series of posts telling me not to tell him anything and just keep it to myself, it's heartening to hear that your experiences say otherwise.
One problem I have here that I guess I didn't mention in the first post is that I almost never see this particular friend alone. Even times where I only hear from him, or only invite him, other people tend to tag along (and obviously admitting I like him isn't something I want to do with a bunch of my other friends around). Any advice on getting him alone for this sort of thing? I sort of assume a text message of "meet me, I've got something important to tell you" is a little too melodramatic.
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I don't believe it is melodramatic, but if you cant call him, and tell him there's something you've been wanting to discuss with him and ask him when he does have time etc.
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MysteryGuest Wrote:Thank you all for your advice. I was sort of afraid I'd check this thread and find a series of posts telling me not to tell him anything and just keep it to myself, it's heartening to hear that your experiences say otherwise.
One problem I have here that I guess I didn't mention in the first post is that I almost never see this particular friend alone. Even times where I only hear from him, or only invite him, other people tend to tag along (and obviously admitting I like him isn't something I want to do with a bunch of my other friends around). Any advice on getting him alone for this sort of thing? I sort of assume a text message of "meet me, I've got something important to tell you" is a little too melodramatic.
Why not just call him. Texts miss at least half of the info and the other one will always have to speculate(that's why we have smilies). You're gonna talk to him in person anyway. Am i being dramatic? am i making a scene? etc. These are good ingredients for getting cold feet. you may end up talking about some random thing with him when you are about to get to the point.
Coming out on a friend who you have a secret thing for,, it is a drama in itself. Right? So, just shake the doubts and be done with it.
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I don't think that's melodramatic at all.
You've said that you've been friends with this guy for a long time now. So
I'm sure if you say something a long the lines of, "Hey, I need to tell you
something in private, I was wondering when you have some free time.."?
I know, that alone will probably be nerve wracking, but you really want
to find your answers. And if you want to, you gotta put some effort out
there to get results.
Trying not to be a Debbie-downer, but just brace yourself for what answers
you might end up getting.
Again, good luck maan! :]
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How do I tell him how I feel?
