Long-Distance Relationship Advice

[Grant]

Hi Everyone,

Here's my situation, and I hope that someone can give me some advice on what to do. I've been in a good, stable relationship for over six years. He's been in school for the bulk of that time and he finally finished school earlier this year. We've always lived relatively close to one another and would get together on the weekends and often during the week when our schedules would allow. But now that school is over he's had to move back home with Mom about 5 states over.

He's upset because of this move, but he didn't want to move in with me (mostly because I told him that there was no way I could carry him and his bills, which is 100% honest) so I'm worried that he's a bit peeved at me because of that. Throughout our relationship he's never been excited about talking online or through text, but he's terrible about forgetting his phone or charging it, so even if I do call within 10-15 minutes the phone is dying or he doesn't even answer to begin with.

Now that he's so far away I'm really struggling with the non-communication. I mentioned this to him a couple of weeks ago and he said that he would be more proactive in responding to me. Of course, nothing has changed. I'm trying to not annoy him with messages and texts but I'm trying to give him space and time and not smother him when he's already feeling annoyed about his situation. I probably sent 5 texts a week and maybe will get a response to one of them. I'm always the one to initiate the phone calls--we've had maybe 5 phone calls to each other in three months.

So am I just being annoying and expecting too much? Do I just need to suck it up? A couple of weeks ago I tried an experiment where I didn't log onto Facebook, send a text, login another site we both frequent, send an email, or call. It took him 9 days before he sent me a text asking me a question, and it wasn't even about where I had been for the past week+. I know it's just his personality, but damn.

[Sil]

No, I don't think you're expecting too much wanting somebody you care about to respond to messages when you're worried about them and want them around. Sometimes I think it's just down to circumstances, and this is the toughest part about LDRs when you're young - you need positive reenforcement - to know that you're loved and that there is support there for you. Doing that purely by phone and internet is difficult. I had a great relationship with an American guy and eventually blew money on a ticket to see him and had a great week, but it didn't last in the long run even though I wanted it so badly. It's like that old saying "absence makes the heart grow fonder."

I do think you could do with somebody who will meet your expectations and not leave you hanging all the time, but I really don't know how you guys 'click', people operate in different ways; some couples do nothing but argue and still love each other.

From my experience - sometimes it's not the reality of the person you're in love with, it's what you project onto them, or how you'd like them to be. If the reality is that you're being ignored, you have to make some tough decisions; it's a lot more conclusive than just wondering why. I hope it works out for you guys, if you can still get time together and things pick up then try and run with it.

[Grant]

Thanks, I'm trying to be open-minded and fair about all of this but it's super, super hard. I'm 32, so I'm not ignorant of my feelings or the reality of what this relationship may be heading to. Unfortunately, he's my first serious guy so I'm trying to go slowly and not just assume that because he's still doing what he's always done that suddenly I'm being ignored.

I love the guy, and I while I sometimes wonder, I'm sure he loves me too. My biggest struggle has been to keep reminding myself that just because I express myself in certain ways it doesn't mean that he doesn't love me because he expresses things in a different way. I will admit though there have been several times when I feel like we're in a friends with benefits situation than two people in a significant relationship.

I guess the distance has just magnified the issues that we already had (at least to me).

[Sil]

Wow, sorry bud - when you'd talked about him finishing school I assumed you guys were both starting out in life. Didn't mean to sound condescending.

I'm glad there are still feelings there for the both of you, I know it'll be tough keeping your chin up through all this. At the end of the day if you both really want it to work you'll find a way through all of this communication stuff. I'm sure he can find a job when he's settled so you can both look at trying to find a place together; it's not impossible.

[EvenOlderButWiser]

LDR's are tough, really tough.

You can both start out with the best of intentions, but without that physical contact you will both struggle. The lack of electronic contact is only going to magnify your worries, and at this stage thats a perfectly normal reaction to be having. His seeming indifference to the lack of contact after 9 days just shows his immaturity towards the relationship, I don't care if its his personality or not. Sorry, but 9 days with no attempt to reach out tells me he simply doesn't care about the relationship, or respect you enough to call.

Is there anyway you can get over to see him? Its clear that he isn't going to make the effort to travel to see you. I think you need to sort this out face to face - you own each other that given the 6 years of time you both have invested in each other.

Were there any waring signs prior to him finishing school, that there may have been trouble ahead in the relationship?

Good Luck


ObW
X

[Grant]

No, there's no way to see each other without a planned interaction. He's at least a 10 hour drive away from me now.

Immaturity is a great word for our relationship. This was the first real relationship for both of us, and part of me has always wondered if it actually was a relationship--or just what I called it. I have no worries about him seeing anyone else, I'm not concerned that he's cheating or anything like that. But, again, it just annoys me to no end that he doesn't communicate with me.

No, there were no warning signs, this has been his consistent behavior throughout our relationship. I'm just at a loss as to what to do or say to him to make him understand my concerns.