How to handle meeting a shy, closeted gay boy?

[antigrandbean]

Being a junior in college, 21, and openly gay for the most part I feel like now is a good point in my life to start a relationship and have been dutifully separating myself from the gay-hookup-party-scene in the hopes of finding a guy with like interests. I've exhausted my small towns gay scene mainly finding gay-hookups, guys in relationships, married guys who want a boy-toy and fizzled-dates due to lack of chemistry. After thinking now wasn't the time I decided to give Grinder a chance, a last resort. To my astonishment I found a boy the same age as me with nerdy, geeky likes (like me!!!). He's admitted to liking anime and music and games! Finally a boy I can talk games with who doesn't get excited for the next big call of duty (though a fun distraction) but for the next big pokemon release!

All seemed to go well, I got an inkling of an idea about how his life works, I know his hobbies and I know his dreams. I coaxed him into speaking on skype to show realness and genuine interest. We spoke on Skype for almost two weeks and we had, what I think, good chemistry. He was able to laugh and seemed like he was having fun, though he was shy and quirky I loved it. So I got the courage to take it a step further, I asked him to coffee and he accepted. The day we were supposed to meet was one of my days off and I inquired where he was, he didn't feel now was the time to meet which I got. Since then he has distanced himself and made me feel a bit desperate in trying to keep communication alive. He isn't out so I know his fears and I get why he feels hesitant but I do know I can protect him and want to given the chance.

How do you show this to a guy who seems to be moving away? When he feels connected but the feeling of fear and acceptance out weight the thought of love? Of course I haven't said I loved him nor do I but that is what dating is about right? To see if there really is something a relationship can be built upon. At least that was my understanding of dates. If you have any idea of what to do next, please answer. I really do want to take a risk outside my comfort zone for this guy.

[ardus]

I think the best thing you can do in a situation like this is be patient, and give him time to get himself ready.
I met someone very nice recently and after our first date, he backed way off, even though he said he did enjoy it, but he felt like he needed space and time.
That's where I am at with him, I usually chat with him via text every couple of days, just want to make sure he knows that I am still interested but that I resepect his needs to go slow.

Take your time, try to keep communicating, see if that nudges him slowly along.

Richard

[Matty71]

I was that shy boy before.

Some years ago I met a sweet gentleman online. We shared similar interests and lived in the same state.

Long story, short, we hooked-up for a long weekend at his place. He took me out to dinner, to the movies and to a gay bar to drink and dance. I had a wonderful time with him! He made me feel special for the first time in my life! He was very respectful the whole time. We kissed at the bar. That was very nice.

Later that night, we returned to his house and attempted some sexual delights but I was way too drunk. Not much happened (Which I think he was OK with).

End of story, he drove me back home to my town the next afternoon and we said goodbye. After that, we lost all contact.

I am mostly to blame for that: I was inexperienced and also shy. I lost out on a potentially great guy.

[TonyAndonuts]

He's admitted to liking anime and music and games! Finally a boy I can talk games with who doesn't get excited for the next big call of duty (though a fun distraction) but for the next big pokemon release!

I like you

[AbelD]

Give him vodka haha

[Matty71]

Give him vodka haha

Alcohol/drugs are not always the answer for intimacy.

[southbiochem]

Ok, familiar ground, because I am that closeted, shy, inexperieced guy. So may be I can give you some insight. You sound like the guy I've been crushing on for 3 years. Given the similarities, let me show you how things look from this end of the rope. It's a it long, but bare with me.

(Of course I can be wrong, no person is exactly the same as the other).

A few things are certain for me at least, first: it's all about FEAR. Fear has kept me from saying out loud that I'm gay. When I met this guy,openly gay, extroverted who actually liked me at some point even with no knowledge of my orientation (though he bever told me directly), I still wasn't able to tell him One would think that it's only logical to have told him, "You know what'..I'm gay too...and I like you too...wait, that's an understatement...I want to rip off your clothes right here"....nope. Fear still outweights my emotions.

Second: Liking a guy bluntly in the open, experienced, comfortable with himself, with being gay, overall having his act together is INTIMIDATING. There's always that question hanging round my head. "If he can have (and has gotten) any guy he wants, what the hell could he possibly see in me?" "How can an insecure, dishonest with himself, closet case be enough?" It's a crushing thought, that even if something happened, he could get bored of me within a week and dump me for someone else who doesn't have these issues.

Third: the "he seems to be pulling away", I do that with my guy as much as I can, simply cause I just don't find it in me to tell him and it's too painful to be around him and not have him. Inside I'm screaming "PLEASE, MAKE A MOVE! TAKE THE FIRST STEP!. I CAN'T. IF YOU DO IT I'LL FALL INTO YOUR ARMS AND GIVE YOU ANYTHING YOU WANT. BUT I CAN'T DO IT"

So, there you go. Again, he could be totally different than me, but if his behaviour is related to issues similar to mine, then you need patience, non-aggressive iniciative (maybe offer to meet in a less public place, likely to make him uncomfortable if his deal is to conceal he's gay). Remember he's not as comfortable in his skin as you are in yours.

Overall, if you really like him, don't stop showing him. If he's interested, and he's anything like me, he is waiting for you to make the move he can't out of fear.

[AbelD]

Alcohol/drugs are not always the answer for intimacy.

Lol I know! It was a joke :-))

[mbennet35]

I use to be closeted and extremely shy. It was so bad when I was 17 that if someone I didn't know talked to me I would just walk away and not say anything. I had to break out of my shell which was hard but I learned to accept myself for who I was. It took me awhile to do this.

[Geminize]

Shyness and the social fear that comes from it are not rational, so trying to understand it from a rational perspective will only frustrate you. The best you can do is have a lot of patience, keep expressing you are interested without coming on strong, and hope for the best.