My boyfriend doesn't like sex

[China]

Hi guys I could sort of do with some relationship advice. I met my boyfriend when I just started my first year of uni and it was the best thing that could've happend to me. I was in a completely new place, living away from my family for the first time, and meeting someone new like that was just what I needed. Me and my boyfriend will have been together for a year at the end of this month and lately he's admitted that he doesn't get any enjoyment out of sex. I find this really sad and for a while I've been trying to make things better but he just says he prefers cuddles. I like cuddles as much as the next man but I also quite like sex, and I've been having real trouble enjoying it at all knowing that it's a chore for him. We do it about once a week and he's always putting it off. Last night I sort of lost it and was just like if you don't like it at all then what's the point? And he got so upset I had to take it all back. I just met him for lunch and he's still in a bad way - he was so teary and kept saying that he feels like he's holding me back, and I feel like such a terrible person it's weird cause for a while he had a porn addiction and would watch it in secret when I wasn't around, but we put a stop to it and now he only watches it occasionally, and before we met he slept with a lot of people. He blames his low sex drive on the fact that he didn't loose his virginity until he was 21 but I don't know.. I just don't know what to do really I can't help wanting it and he can't help not wanting it what should I do? I don't want us to break up because I love him and thinking of leaving him is really upsetting. I try to subdue my urges through porn but it's not the same as sleeping with someone you love

[MisterTinkles]

Lots of reasons for this. Something is bothering him, or he's just "had enough" of sexual escapades for a while. Maybe its just hit him that he might have something good with you and that scares him.

If he is willing to talk to a counselor about what is going on in his life, then he can figure out exactly whats bothering him and work on that.

He may just be under a lot of stress. Stress does strange things to some people.

I would see if he would want to speak with a counselor. He may feel a lot better just by knowing whats bothering him, if he doesnt know what is.

[Waylon777]

Hmm. That is complicated. I don't have any good experience in this kind of area, so don't count on my words too much. I definitely don't thinking loosing virginity at the age of 21 would cause a low sex drive. I know so many people that lost their virginity around that age that are super horny all the time. Also, you said it feels like a chore to him, which is kind of a trouble. If he thinks it's a chore, maybe he really doesn't like sex, or he just don't like having sex too often. I have no idea you can fix a sex drive, but have you tried mixing it up a little bit? Like trying new things for sex, such as ropes, whips, playing out fantasies, etc. Although this all may seems funky, it does help I think. My best friend sort of mixing up the sex with other fantasies (god knows how much I got disgusted after hearing it), it helps a lot to get that engine going. Try to make it not seem like a chore. make it like a game, where both of you can enjoy or maybe compete. IT's always fun to play games, On the other hand, he seems like he like s you a lot, and he really loves to cuddle, which is always fun. Try what happens, if things don't get better, think of another ways! But, if sex is really important to you, it might be good to find some other person to share it with. You could also, open your relationship sex-wise and see what happens.

[Edward]

I know exactly how you feel. My boyfriend has almost the same attitude to sex. For a while I tried hard to find out what's going on with him, but then I gave up on it. I just love him the way he is.

I think you should ask yourself is you love for him strong enough to live without sex with him. If you can't do it, then probably the best thing to do is to break up.

[JimmyDalton]

I'm not sure I can give any solutions. But I want to share some experience. And sorry for my english.

Some porn addicts might enjoy watching porn and jerking off more than having real sex. If it's okay for both of you, you can cuddle for foreplay, then watch porn together.

You can go down on him while he's watching, then stimulate him or giving head for him. If he prefers, you can mutual masturbate while watching porn. It is not strange at all. He might be the type that easily got turned on by vision-stimulation than experience-stimulation.

But you can change him slowly. Just try to communicate this with him. You can seduce him by doing the same thing as the porn he usually to watch. And don't judge him for letting him get what he likes.

Hope both of you can work this out, Cheers

[Bowyn Aerrow]

I think it may be he just doesn't want to have sex with you.... IDK....

[Double007]

What kind of sex are you having? Not to be personal. Is it anal? Is it frot? Maybe it's not the type he likes? Maybe he needs time to warm up? More kissing and cuddling might be the key?

[Evan]

When people are addicted to porn, and they always use it when they masturbate, that can lead to not being able to get off without it. I've heard that problem with a lot of guys. Does he have a problem enjoying things when he's masturbating (without porn) too? If so, then the porn could be the problem.

If not, I agree with MisterTinkles about the counselor. This could very well be a psychological problem he may not even be aware of.

If it turns out that that's also not the case.. then he's just a guy with a very low sex drive. That sucks for you, but sadly there's not so much you can do about it. It requires a lot of compromising, and it's op to the both of you to decide how willing you are to do that.