Really unsure about myself

[GhostAngel]

Hello everyone. I'm in real need of some opinions because I'm confused with myself right now.

Where should I start? Well, I have the greatest friend in the whole world who I'll refer to as Z. Z and I have been best friends since middle school. She's always been the upbeat, hyper, extremely social one while I was a bit shy. But she's really rubbed off on me since then. We would do literally everything together and still do. But some of our other friends think that we might be a little too close to just be considered "best friends". Of course, I'm talking about intimacy. Z and I discovered sex together in middle school. Our parents never taught us about it and we didn't have any sex ed classes, so we had to learn about it ourselves. We'd watch pornos, check out magazines and books on the subject, and read internet articles. We'd even masturbate in the same room and talk to each other about how it felt. It got us really excited for real sex, and by the end of freshmen year in high school, we both lost our virginities.

But because we discovered sex together, we're extremely comfortable with each other. We can go to bed together naked or shower together and not feel awkward at all. And in college, our comfort levels really skyrocketed. That was when Z realized she was bisexual and loved having sex with girls. Despite this, I didn't worry that it would affect our friendship. But one night at a crazy party, some guys wanted to see us kiss. I'd never kissed a girl before so I was a little nervous, but Z was totally willing. When we kissed, it surprisingly felt really nice. I felt really comfortable and safe with her and I enjoyed the closeness. To add to that, we ended up having a threesome with this guy that same night and, again, I was totally comfortable having sex with Z there. Since then, Z and I would kiss a lot at parties and even when we were just alone because it felt nice. And because of the threesome experience, whenever we were alone and felt really horny, we'd "help each other out" by kissing, touching, licking, and making each other orgasm. It was all just sexual fun though, nothing too serious, no emotions involved. However, there was one time where it did feel like we had legit sex. We did just about everything you could do to a girl without strap-ons. I didn't just want a quick sexual release, I wanted her, all of her. Afterward though, I did felt weird about it and told Z that we shouldn't let things get that serious again. This was back in college, our wild, crazy, partying years.

Even though Z is still a party machine and very sexually active, I've cooled down a bit. I met the love of my life who is now my fiancee, who I'll call S. But even though I'm in a pretty serious relationship with S, my intimacy with Z is still there. We still shower together, kiss, and sleep naked together if we feel like it. We don't do anything too sexual anymore though because that's S's job now. I've been very honest with S about me and Z. He was a little weired out at first, but now he's okay with it. In fact, he's seen us make out a few times at some small parties where we got a little drunk.

But when other people see Z and I all flirty and touchy, they think I just can't get over my "ex-girlfriend". Z and I were never in a relationship and I've never thought of actually being with a girl on a romantic level. But people insist that with how Z and I are together, we HAD to have had something and I HAVE to at least be bisexual too. I can say without a doubt that I'm in love with S. He gives me butterflies whenever he walks up to me and I get to look into his beautiful eyes. With Z, I never felt any kind of romantic love. Everything we did was just for fun and to relieve our sexual urges. I don't even see women in a sexual way, Z seems to be the one and only exception. I've since tried kissing and getting intimate with another girl friend of mine, and it just felt weird and wrong to me. So can I really be bisexual if the only girl I'm willing to do anything with is Z? Am I in denial to think that what Z and I have isn't romantic? Everything we do just feels so normal, even though I know it isn't.

Thanks for reading my long, weird story of my life. I could really use some insight.

[Joshular]

I think it's really cool your relationship with Z. Z sounds a bit like a sister. I don't think you are bisexual and I don't think you should listen to what other people are saying. You and Z share something special that many others will never experience. You two are comfortable with each other and it shouldn't be a problem.

Let people think what they like just don't listen to them u.u

[Mattlj92]

You don't sound bisexual, only you can answer for sure but since it's not females in general just her you seem like you know what you like.

[Geminize]

GhostAngel, welcome to gayspeak.

You sound very clear about your sexuality to me. The intimacy you have shared with Z is very special, but something most people don't have or understand. It's great that you have shared about that with S and that he is ok with it. Sounds like you have a good man there.

It may be helpful if you just drop trying to fit into a neat sexual box that is labeled straight, bi, or gay. You are simply 'sexual'. There's no need to stress about what it means that you and Z have been so intimate. From what you have shared here it sounds to me like you have had a very healthy relationship with your own sexuality and attractions, allowing them to evolve over time.

If your friends can't understand that, don't make it your problem!

[GhostAngel]

^Z and I are still extremely close to this day. We spend time together almost everyday. We feel things might change a little when I get married, but for now we're still very close. And no, Z never liked me in a romantic way either. She thinks I'm really attractive and I can turn her on (and considering what we do, that's kind of assumed), but she's never wanted to take that chance and start a relationship.

[James]

Doesn't sound abnormal to me, you to are very close as you pointed out, everything you have gone through together learning, touching, etc makes you closer than some friends are, to be able to be open and yourself with that good a friend dosen't mean anything but your good friends. I agree with Geminize that you shouldn't try and label yourself, let the other jealous of your relationship people get a life, Jim

[TonyAndonuts]

If she enjoys sex with Z, wouldn't that make her a little bisexual? Obviously with a preference for men since that seems to be the route she's chosen and happy with, but with some sexual attraction to women if she can enjoy it with one?