I like girls moreso than guys...I'm bi??

[sal96italy]

Ok so this is probably going to get really lengthy so my apologies. So I've been battling depression and social anxiety for years. My parents both have depression and my mom has social anxiety. But my social anxiety causes me to have either a little stutter or I have trouble getting the words out or I get stuck on words (its only around people, when I'm alone I speak fine. Neither my mom or dad have this issue with their anxiety). I know this isn't a forum where I'm talking about my past or anything but if you knew my past then you'd understand maybe why I like guys and/or why I'm so confused. But anyways. I like guys. I like girls as well, I've had 7 girls friends in my life. But I've also had a few friends, where I've grown feelings for. I think about kissing them, touching them, sleeping with them but not having sex although I wouldn't mind sex with a guy. I do want kids and I'd like a girlfriend. I'm a senior in high school, I've never had a boyfriend and publicly I don't think I'd feel comfortable being seen with a guy romantically. I'd like to have a boyfriend but sort of a friends with benefits type of thing. Where I'd go over his house or something and pertain to our feelings for each other and not show it in public. Some of the friends I've had (males) I've told them I liked them (somewhere in the length of our friendship, where its months or weeks). I've had some friends respond saying "We'll I'm not gay man". Other's just say "Oh interesting". So basically, some friends when I told them it didn't affect our friendship, others they don't hang out with me as much (they don't invite me to hang out outside of school like they used to), and they don't talk to me as much. Soo I have a lot of stories about each guy I've liked and obviously I'm not going to share them although I could, but their personal. So anyways I'm just confused as to what do I really like (gender wise). My father was never around as a child, I grew up around yelling and fighting. But I've grown up as a nice caring respectful person, I have my manners and I'm not a jerk or a bully. So whoever has anything to say, please post. I've always had a feeling I liked guys even as a young kid, but I never got to understand that I actually liked guys, until probably freshmen year.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

I've never had a boyfriend and publicly I don't think I'd feel comfortable being seen with a guy romantically.

When I was 24 (yes I was a late bloomer) my whole world was turned upside down when 'The Man' walked into my life.

Until him I thought my lack of interest was natural celibacy - how strong was that belief? Well I got myself a D.min and was inline to join the brotherhood of St. Francis Friars.

Everything in my life convinced me that I was just naturally celibate. Understand, through ministry outreach I did things like go to gay bars with my Friar Buddy to pass out condoms, I also went to Polk Street where the boys sold their wares (sex) to do outreach to troubled teens. My elder brother was out and about - openly gay.

So its not like I didn't know what gay was - it was, for some reason, difficult for me to connect gay = Me. but when I met 'Him' - that one guy who rocked my world, the question of my sexuality became a moot point - I finally knew was a homosexual.

No I didn't suddenly change my status - it was a 6 month roller-coaster ride as I tried denial, bargaining my way out of this new fate. I also had to come to terms with my desire to be a friar and to be a lover. Friars like monks take vows - there is no room for lovers in those vows.


You are discounting a whole world of possibilities here. While you have met guys you 'like' you haven't met one you have fallen madly, deeply in love with. I suspect that when that happens any 'confusion' about what you want will nearly suddenly vanish.

Right now you are in denial - you don't want to be publicly related to homosexuality - this is understandable - very. but not wanting to be seen 'gay' by the public doesn't mean you ain't gay - it means you are concerned about how the public will react.

Further you are just 17 - you are still gushing with lots of hormones and peer pressure and need to fit in at school and all of that other horrible crap that happens to teenagers.

You want kids - well that requires sleeping with an individual of the opposite gender. You have expressed no interest there. I'm interested in knowing how you plan on having kids with a woman without sleeping with her. Have you thought this one through?

Now there is a chance you really do want kids - it happens - however I have to wonder how much of this 'I want to marry and have kids' thing is really what YOU want, or really what you have been programed by parent(s), society and peers to believe you want.

The 21st century has started out to be a very LGBT friendly century. Currently in the USA states are adopting gay marriage - oh and adoption by gay potential parents is happening more and more around the world. So the whole "I have to marry a woman to have kids" thing isn't stacking up against realities.

So don't let a desire to have kids be a stumbling block to having other things in your life. this isn't the bad old world of my day when a gay man talking about adopting kids was suspected of horrible things.

While you have mentioned emotions (very good, most males shun the subject), I have a strong suspicion that you are not very certain of the differences between 'I like very much' and 'I love you'. Then there is the issue of different forms of love, brotherly love, intimate love, familial love, and top that off with crushes and infatuations.

So are you bisexual? Unknown. I'm going to go out on a limb and predict that in about 2 years time you will look back at this period and decide that claiming to be 'bi' was a natural stepping stone toward accepting homosexuality within yourself.

I could be wrong - right now this whole 'Who am I' question is unanswerable for you - as it is for about 99% of people your age.

I think you are going through a process of acceptance of a lot of things in yourself - BTW good job - so many people fight the process - you are actually trying to work through it.

An answer is coming - give it a year or two.

Understand when High School ends and you graduate you will have a whole new world to explore and learn about - you will find that it is a touch more accepting of LGBT.

Then there is the LGBT community you most likely have yet to meet. I suspect that if you hand out with other LGBT you will become more accepting of who you are and find your ultimate answer to this question.