boyrfiend lied about his age by 20 years

[Vigilias]

You say you have no friends to talk to about this.

Now you have an entire forum full.

The thing about this site is that we tend to be free from trolls and bitch-fights. We help and are helped. I've had one hell of a juicy one stored up for the last three years but it just gets too complicated and too long to post.

But back to you...

If you truly love each other I'm sure you can get over the initial shock of his revelation. You mentioned somewhere in your post that you had small suspicions he was older. Could you perhaps have broached the subject but were afraid of finding out what you already suspected was the truth?

See what he has to say after therapy and take it from there.

Let us know how things go, and good luck!

[Geminize]

Welcome to GS. I can almost see Bellingham from my house.

I like to think that love conquers all, but have you considered what your life together may be like when you are 40 and he is 80?* I know a couple 20 years apart and she just put him in an alzheimer's home. Not pleasant to think about, but consider the long term choice you're making.

More immediate is can you trust him? You brought that question up and only you can answer it.
--
*Confession: I am the only LGBT person I know who disliked the movie Harold & Maude.

[wwu]

So how have you known a man for 8 months who's loved you for more than 7 and yet you never learned enough about him to realize he's 20 years older?

And forgive me, but I doubt you're a good judge of character. Witness this, several months and you never knew he was 20 years older. He took you to Canada, for your needs or to keep you separate from his regular life? Players like him can be masters of making you think he's doing it all for you when it's anything but. And why would you be uncomfortable meeting his friends and family unless he made you feel uncomfortable? People who are bad judges usually think they're good judges, if anything they think they're a lot better judges than people who actually are good judges.

People who love each other (which always takes time, at least to know for sure, not just a week and a half) get to KNOW each other and that includes enough to know there's an extra 20 years in his life story...and they get at least some passing familiarity with the other people in each other's life (even if they don't meet they hear about them). And then there are photos, mementos, all kinds of things that are easily seen and commented on which should clue you in on his age (assuming he doesn't hide them from you, which he probably does). If he loved you enough to share with you then why didn't he share enough for your "good judge of character" to kick in? There is simply no excuse that it took you this long for one random incident for you to realize he was 20 years older, that is assuming you were really in love with each other and the ONLY thing he ever lied to you about was his age.

I didn't learn "enough" about him because I was in school and only saw him once or twice a week for much of our relationship, so when we would see each other we were more focused on what was going on between our time together and the future. Also, like I said, this has been my first serious gay relationship, I don't know what the HECK I am doing, but I know how I feel.

He took me to Canada, this particular time, to buy me my first legal beer (I'm 19) and a comedy club. Seems like a justifiable trip to me? I love going to Canada with him, I'd often blow off the day with my college friends to go with him to Canada when he had to go there for work, just to spend the time with him and sit in the car with him.

Like I said this is my first serious gay relationship, that is why I have been so hesitant to meet his family, I have met a couple of his friends, but that is all I have felt comfortable with.

Also, I don't really think I need an "excuse" as to why I didn't know I was being lied to, that is simply absurd. I trusted this man completely, so yes, I was lied to/taken advantage of, but I probably would have never had the wonderful relationship we had if he hadn't lied to me, and that would be far worse than being in the situation I am in now.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

I know age is just a number, and I'm not superficial in the slightest,

That is not altogether true.

I'm 47 and I know I see the world in a far different way than you do. But then I'm a product of the Cold war, of LGBT hatred so keen that people lost jobs, and there was still electroshock therapy given to 'treat' homosexuality when I was a youngster.

You are in a world that is vastly different, with states legalizing gay marriage left and right, with you being able to serve openly in the military.

These little things may seem like 'nothing' but they do have a profound impact on how a person approaches life.

All humans are the sum of their parts - our parts are every experience we have lived through in life. In your generation (those around your age) you were affected by world events and social trends differently because you did not have earlier preconceived notions foisted upon you.

He has experience, and let me tell you old age and treachery always - ALWAYS - trumps youth and skill. Pix is trying to point this out, how he has enough experience to play you like a harp from hell.

You are wet behind the ears - this is not a 'problem' all 20 year olds are wet behind the ears - by the time you hit 30 your world view will change drastically and you will look back at age 20 with astonishment at how 'immature' and silly your perceptions of life and what being an adult was about.

We all go through that. He went through it 40 years ago, you are going through it now. His age means he has many more miles and knows way hella lot more than you. This can be good - a positive if he decides to mentor you. It can go very wrong if he decides to use his knowledge to manipulate you and play with you like a toy.

THAT is what Pix is trying to warn you about.

Age is not a matter of any small consequence.

Clearly he is well aware that age is a problem, or why on earth would he lie through his teeth to you then play this horrible little game with your betrayal afterwards.

The man is a player - I don't know if its intentional or happenstance, but he is playing you and manipulating you.

You either need to grow up really quick and open your eyes and see what is happening, or you need to distance yourself from this fellow and stick to guys closer to your age who do not have to hide their age from you.

[Dreamer]

but my heart is still in love with the person he is.

Correction: the person you THOUGHT he was.


He lied to you,
and did an impeccable job covering it up.


Imagine what kind of other shit he has lied to you about,
and what horrible things he will cover up,
if you continue to stay with him.

I worry because maybe I am just blinded by love and he is bad for me

Follow your instinct
because you're more than likely right
about this suspicion!



My verdict:
Dump him and move on!

[wwu]

He has experience, and let me tell you old age and treachery always - ALWAYS - trumps youth and skill. Pix is trying to point this out, how he has enough experience to play you like a harp from hell.

I have a hard time thinking he is playing me, maybe I'm just being "wet behind the ears", but this man has always put me first, he has told me 100000 times I can have sex with whoever I want, man or woman, though he would rather not know about it and I would have to use protection. Of course I have been monogamous with him, but I have ALWAYS had the option to up and leave for whoever I want, I don't feel that is me being played.

Also, when I met him I was essentially an alcoholic among other things, and if he was playing me, he would have just let me stay stagnant in my addiction so I wouldn't get the clear mindedness to leave him, but despite the fear of me leaving him if I was sober, he still pushed me to look at myself, mature, and sober up. I just don't feel played.

[MisterTinkles]

Im not defending his lie at all.......BUT.....
I know some people who may physically be a lot older than they look and feel. I, for one, have my aged guessed from 22 - 38 usually. (WHERE they get 22 from, I dunno....) But apparently I dont look anywhere near 50 by the people who guess my age.

Not that I would lie about my age, but some people dont. I mean, if we are going to get picky about it....why is it ok for women to do it, but not men??? Thats really a double standard.

I can see why he may have lied about his age, but then again, if he is serious about you, then he should have fessed up to that already.

Just a suggestion, but unless its something totally unforgivable, I live by "three strikes and youre out".
So, I would have a talk to him about this. Make sure he understands that there are to me NO more lies about anything. Otherwise you are out of there.

[Merc]

Look, everyone on here is going to have their opinion. I would dismiss anyone that attempts to talk down to you or anyone that makes you feel like they know more than you because they are older. These are the types that are usually close minded in general. Sad, actually.

I think you should decide what makes the most sense to you. That was not a small lie. It was pretty big. The fact that you are allowed to have other partners if you want might be a cause for concern because that shows a lot of insecurity on his part and makes him come across desperate for love.

If it were me I'd make sure this other person really loved me and wasn't just scared of losing me.

[Unfulfilled1]

I find it surprising you believed he was 38 what are his beauty secrets ?
Seriously if you love him and he loves you and you want to be together and can work through the trust issues then why not?
I was 22 when i met my boyfriend and that was 19 years ago, he's now 67 - do the math

Bingo.

It is that simple. It is about the love and compassion for another human being that makes you feel loved and special.

[dfiant1]

I posted this in another forum and got almost no advice but people berating and judging me for being with someone so much older than me, so I am posting it here in hoped of finding some better support:

When I met my boyfriend of the last 8 months he told me he was 38 years old, which is already almost a 20 year age difference considering I'm 19.

8 months is the longest I've been with anyone and this wasn't just some older guy I wanted a free ride from, Ive been with other men considerably older than me (10-20 years), and I only feel 100% comfortable around this man out of every man I've been with.

However, I was under the impression that he was 20 years older than me, which I believed, don't ask me how, and I ended up finding out he is actually 58 when we were crossing the border to canada and the guard asked his age. He still tried to play it off initially, but I already had some suspicions and I knew he was hiding something, so he had no choice but to tell me in the car which was very uncomfortable but it had to come out I suppose. However we continued to have the dinner we were going to and went back to the hotel we were staying at, because I still wanted to be with him even though he lied to me, we went back to the hotel and cried with each other for a while, he felt so bad for hurting me and "destroying something special" we had a restless night of fairly emotionless sex.

I know age is just a number, and I'm not superficial in the slightest, but I've never seriously dated a MAN let alone someone 20 years older than me, so this was all new for me, and he made me so happy it didn't matter. But now I know he's 40 years older than me, and I think back to all the lies he told me to cover it up and all the manipulating he did, he told me he loved me from the second week we met, but how can you lie to someone you love for so long...

It it tearing me up inside because I know the person he is and I know he just made a lie when we met so he could have a chance with me and he was just too scared to lose me, and I loved him so much I can't just let him go, but now when I look him in the face half the time I just think about how he hurt me and it doesn't feel the same, but my heart is still in love with the person he is. I worry because maybe I am just blinded by love and he is bad for me, but I love him still and I want to spend my life with him but now I don't know if I can give him myself 110% like I did before, I've never been hurt like this.

He is seeing his therapist to talk about this and some of his issues wednesday, and I think I should probably see one about this to, I don't have friends I can talk to about this.

I know only time till truly tell, but I need some outside perspectives as to what you think about lying about something like this, what do you think?

G Day mate, I was involved in the 'other forum' I agree with you about the terrible manner in which your were treated.

My advice is still the same and is based purely on the issue of deception and not the issue of age. You know what's in your heart and as I said in the other place, I am so sorry that you were judged so harshly.

Peace