Long post/rant about new feelings. Seeking guidance.

[JaseSC]

Hi everyone.

I'm a 26 year old male from Australia. I've never been in a serious, or even semi-serious relationship. It's something I've never had a real strong desire for. I've had an emotional/romantic interest in a few, say 3 or 4 girls, and a physical (sexual) attraction to several more. None of these however have ever come to anything more then being typical friends.

In fact I was smitten by one girl for a very long time in and after high school, she became the object of my affection, I lived on thoughts of her for about 2-3 years. At the time I thought it was " Love (I now think/see much differently) once again our relationship was stuck in an eternal "Friends" phase.

I had never been attracted, physically (sexually), romantically or emotionally to another male. Though I could recognise positive traits, good looks, good personalities, ect. within guys I was never drawn to them. It's for this reason I'd always considered myself as a "straight" male.


A few months ago that changed. I started to have very strong feelings towards one of my online friends, a 26 year old male from America. We've never met in person, but we speak to each other about every other or third day. I've known him for about 8-9 years, he told me he was gay a short time after we met (about 6 months) and later (about another six months) admitted to having feelings for me. I had no issues with his sexuality and wanted to (and did) continue being his friend. I did feel a little guilty he had feelings for me, as I know what it's like (due to my interest in the girl mentioned above) to have feelings for someone that would never be returned. (I made an incorrect assumption at the time, because here I am now...)

For the first couple of years he was extremely open with his and curious about my body, sexuality and experiences/preferences. I was however not all that curious/interested or willing to share. So I mostly laughed it off and politely steered the subject elsewhere. He normally obliged. That extrovert-ness of his settled over time and he never talks/ask about things like that anymore.


The thing that has confused me most about all this is the change. The realisation that I had feelings for another male basically came to me overnight. Even though I had the chance to explore it gradually with the person I'm now extremely interested in, I never had an interest back then. Which seems a little strange to me. I've spent some time looking for any past feelings I may have had towards other guys (or even towards him) but may have been in denial over, unwilling to accept or realise at the time. I really can't see any. So I do think this is a very sudden first.


I know that everyone comes about these things differently but is it common to have a big "eureka" moment and suddenly notice this type of thing? I thought I'd be able to look back and see a subtle build up, or clues as to who I was/am buried in my past?



In the last few years I was on somewhat of a downward spiral, heading into a very self-destructive path. Towards the end of last year this cost me the job that I loved and a few of the relationships I had with friends. It even had a very negative effect on how I saw myself. It was however that event, the sudden stop at the bottom that made me realise I needed help and sought treatment for depression. I'm now doing/feeling a lot better (A lot more stable!).

Up until now (you lot (And one other anonymous forum)) this friend was the only person I spoke to this about. He'd also been through simular and gave me a lot of help and support. He was the person I spent the vast majority of my time talking with during this process. Being unemployed gave me a lot of time to reconnect and catch up with him (not that we'd really fallen out of contact or anything).


It's for this reason I've now started to wonder (honestly, fear) that these feelings towards him are purely me associating my new healthier, happier more positive feelings to him? (Seeing as he was the person I was closest to and spent the vast amount of time talking with when, and while the new outlook coming to be)?


Lastly, once I did start to have these feeling I expressed them with him, he was surprised but seemed happy/excited with the idea. He expressed that he has a "love for me" (though he's also said he loves all his friends, so don't know what it means specifically for me). He is/was (sadly some might say) the first person to express an interest in me. I just wonder if that's playing on me as well, that I'm in love with the idea of being loved, and not so much him.


This may just be a "phase", a confusion of friendship and passion or brought on by pure loneliness, though I really do feel a love for him. I've not felt this way about anyone before. I think about him all the time, and doing so brings me so much warmth and happiness. Talking with him, about anything, just puts me so at ease. I have such a desire of just curling up in his arms and being at peace. I just don't know how I can find out how real the feeling is until I get a chance to explore it. I know I may be a little naive' in this area, but it's all new to me.

I know that exploring for myself and gaining experience is going to be the only sure fire way to learn or understand all this. (There is only so much that thinking about something can do for you!) I'd really love any thoughts, guidance or basic support that anyone can provide.

A big thank you to anyone who has taken the time to read all this.

- Jase

[nfisher1226]

Jase -

Try no to overthink it. First off, a lot of people take a while to figure out their own sexuality. I was married for years and have kids ranging in age from 17 to 4. I figured it out partway into the marriage but was still content for a long time.

I read about a study recently saying that the average person's body chemistry completely changes in around 7 years or so, meaning that a lot of things can and do evolve over time. Basically, while you're still "you" on a deep level you are most decidedly not the same person you were when you were younger in most cases. You can read a lot of things into that really.

The thing you need to figure out isn't necessarily the question "Why do I feel this way now?" but rather "Do I want to explore this feeling?". If you want to have a relationship with him then your past shouldn't stop you from doing so. I'd just recommend moving slowly since you're obviously still a bit unsure of yourself. K?

[Bowyn Aerrow]

though I really do feel a love for him.

A love - The Greeks had at least 4 words for love. They were the smart ones. English only has one word for love.

"I love the woods" is not the same as "I love my partner" - however we are forced to use this one short word to convey lots of levels and depths of an emotion that is particularly complex and convoluted.

So he is in America and you are in Oz - what are the chances of you two actually ever getting together and doing anything?

Slim to none? Then clearly this is a safe way for you to explore man love without any real commitment to any acts that may brand you for life as a homosexual.

There are too many wild card variables here to decide if you are or are not gay for him. Sure you like him - a lot - and you are compatible in many areas - you may have a very strong brotherly love but not lovers type love. The two can be remarkably similar but still distinctly different - I think the idea of 'bro-mance' is trying to clarify this for some guys who want the companionship and closeness of a man but don't want to take it to the sexual level or feel like they got to marry the guy they have 'a' love for.

Up until this one, very far off, distant homosexual - how many other gay men have you looked twice at with just a twinge of 'hope' or 'desire' to have a closeness with them? if none, then chances are you ain't gay, not even bi - you are just psychologically exercising potentials with a very safe person.

Then there are the other psychological issues - depression is a mean bitch that can gut a man and do odd things to one. It is possible that this is rebound from the year(s) of hell and you are just overjoyed to a dangerous degree.

Dangerous how? Because if you are really straight acting on any homosexual latent desire may actually send you back to the other direction.

If all you are doing is taking a pill to treat depression, the problem may lie there. Mood altering, personality changing drugs are not good for a human being. They purposefully are designed to change who and what you are in a chemical manner in order to force you to chemically behave.

If you do not have a therapist, I strongly urge you to get one. This complex situation, this particular 'love' emotion coupled with a history of depression (and perhaps a bit of desperation for any human affection from any source) most likely requires a professional mind mechanic to help you to figure out what is and is not really going on with you and your emotions.

Males tend to be less in touch with their emotions - society still teaches us to 'act like men' which means we sublimate many emotions and refuse to acknowledge how we really feel about X - we are thus distanced from our own emotions and when a novel one comes around we have no common frame of reference to quantify it and file it or utilize it.


As for this distance thing - He may be reluctant to allow himself to fall in love with you simply because there is no way for you to actually live out a life together. IDK - you didn't say if there was ever a chance that you could move to the US or he could move to OZ... if not then stop barking up this tree, you are only going to end up hurting yourself a lot.

[JaseSC]

Thanks a lot for the replies they have given me a lot to think about.

I must of removed this part from the original post (sorry it is an important element I should have left in) but he and I are planning on meeting some time next year. He had spoken of this before I expressed these feeling to him and has since told me he's interested in meeting me even if it's purely on a "friends only terms"

He has also said that while he is willing to explore the "physical intimacy" side of things with me, it can never become a serious thing. He has stated he has no interest in being in a monogamous relationship, or perhaps he is a realist and knows that nothing could ever come from it. It's for that reason I do know it can never be serious.

Bowyn Aerrow - What you have said about Anti-Depressants altering that chemical balance is one of the major concerns that I do have when it comes to understanding what the validity of these feeling is. I have spoken to my doctor a little about some of what I've said here, though you are definitely right I should bite the bullet and get a profession opinion.

Additionally what you've said about me potentially just seeking a safe, commitment-free way of "exercising potentials" could well be very valid. He is someone whom I'm close to and extremely feel safe with (and know isn't seeking anything serious from me). Honestly though, they are things I will have a chance to (and have the desire to) act upon next year when we met, and part of me wishes it could be more. So can't be certain of this.


Thanks heaps for the input guys, I will defiantly take some time to think about what's been said here.

- Jase

[MisterTinkles]

Is it such wonder why people get so fucked in the head when going through puberty.....at any age.

Love and sex are two separate things. Yes, they connect at times, but they are separate things. Media in all forms has fucked this up until its nothing more than a "Frankenstein" monster now.

Two people, regardless of their gender, can be connected on a different level of existence. Just because you both think you feel something for each other, doesnt make it a "gay" thing. There are plenty of hetero men in the world with homo best friends. They hug and kid around with each other, but they are nothing but friends.

I had a roommate like that once. He loved the girls, although he was shy. But we had such fun going places and doing things. Apparently nobody every gave him a birthday party when he was growing up....so one day while he was at work, I decorated his room with streamers and some balloons and stuff.
Had his gift sitting in the middle of his bed.

Needless to say, he was excited. Loved his gifts, and even gave me a kiss on the cheek.

Just because you have a gay friend doesnt make YOU gay. Just because you think you have feelings for him, doesnt make you gay.

Obviously this is a long distance relationship, and I can tell you from experience from the ones my friends had.....your online life would be extremely different if you were to meet this online friend in person and got to know them in real life.

A LOT of "gays" throw the word love around like its a tennis ball. You cant take it seriously.

Im not saying this is a bad thing, but its definitely not a good thing if you are going to allow yourself to get pulled into some kind of mental soap opera drama. Remember, this is just ONLINE....its not REAL LIFE. And when I say "real life" I mean in your face, up close, and in person.

Keep a reign on your feelings and emotions. Dont get caught up in the web of drama which follows a lot of gay guys lives. Just because you are friends, doesnt mean you have to get caught up in his dramas.