In advance, i dunno how much sense this will make and if im rambling too much. Please bear with me. Im really really confused about my orientation and it frustrates me and while i understand that no one can give me an definite answer any serious opinion is apreshiated.
Im 37, as a kid/preeten i was always interested in girls my age, first time i saw a porn video where a guy was blown it turned me on enormously. Seing men and women engaged in oralsex has always been my favourite porn and i always had fantasies about giving blowjobs.
Still, the oposite sex always attracted me even though it was very tough to find a girlfriend. Tried giving a blowjob to a man and felt very indiferent and neutral to it. It wasnt horrible but not a huge turn on. Kept fantasising about blowjobs and giving them.
Tried to have sex with a woman for the first time, it was a threesome. I was very turned on, no problems. I licked her, very excited still, entered her and felt nothing and got soft almost right away. Have had erection problems ever since, with men and women, no erection problems when masturbating. Tried sucking more cock a few times, still not as hot as when fantasising about it.
Got married, was very in love, sex life was a bit tough since i had erection problems with her. Still none while masturbating. I mostly fantasise about sucking cock still, can honestly say ive never fallen in love with a man, the thought of kissing and cudling a man kinda disgust me even though im extremly cudly with women and love it.
I just dont know what to think, sucking remains my top fantasy but keep on disapointing me when trying it. I fantasise way more often of gay sex but lets say im outside, i check out women i think is hot never ge those thoughts of men. My erections keep on being a problem with both sexes.
I just want to know what i am so i can move on with my life.
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Welcome to GS!
Sexuality can be very confusing, and you don't need to accept a label anyone else might slap on you, or try to fit yourself into a nice neat label either. To me you sound hetero with some bisexual tendencies. You wouldn't be the first guy who is romantically/sexually attracted to women who likes to suck cock.
I also think you have some psychological block going on which is sabotaging your erections. For some people watching a lot of porn can have a negative impact on erections during actual sex, and that may be going on for you. There is a website that goes into a lot of detail on that, but I can't find it at the moment. Since you have the same problem with both men and women, I don't think it indicates anything about your orientation.
Remember your sexuality is uniquely yours. There's no need to stress about "what" you are.
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The word homosexual is not homoSEXual - meaning there is no emphasis on the sex.
There is a lot of complex emotions that come into play - if all you want is to suck cock well that is just lust and pleasure - that doesn't mean much about your sexuality other than you are able to have fun.
If on the other hand you see yourself in a committed relationship with a guy then you have a serious sexuality issue going on - bi or gay.
Real life rarely lives up to Fantasy. It can be done, lots of drugs.... but that has its consequences.... ;-)
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Thanks for the input, dont expect anyone to come up with any solution or anything but i really apreshiate everyones input. Im a guy who likes to categorise things so i guess id love to find "my category". Not saying it's wrong but i don't think i could ever be in a relationship with a man, thats just not my thing.
Ive always watched a lot of porn, im cutting down on it since like a week ago. But thanks everyone, it means a lot to have an anonymous place to vent on.
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Wow, confused505 - it seems you have come to this forum for the same reasons as me. You;re story sounds very, very similar to mine, although I have only had the one sexual experience with another guy, which was 20 years ago.
I dont hope to find any immediate answers either, but reading that other people are in similar positions to myself does help me understand myself, in some weird way!
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Time to find a therapist with experience in sexual performance issues - not a priest, pastor or rabbi.
The fact that you have had sex with women - and even got married - and have erection issues when it comes to penetration, means there's something going on between your ears that you need to address.
This does NOT mean you're gay or bi - the fact that you have bi oral sex fantasies dosn't make you bi or gay. Erection problems could also be a physical condition, but since you get hard when you masturbate it's more likely something going on in your subconscious thats blocking you from fully enjoying sex with your wife.
Oh, by the way, i was married to a woman for 12 years, had a baby, had no issues with sex with her, but 3 yeasr after we broke it off, i came out of the closet. So, just because you don't find men sexually attractive (beyond oral sex), there IS something going on that you should address.
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Bob, youre probably right about the therapist. There's quite a bit going on. I just wish i could find out what itis. It would be so much easier if i could have a clear preference and sticking to it would solve it all. Guess things aint that easy in real life.
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BobInTampa Wrote:Oh, by the way, i was married to a woman for 12 years, had a baby, had no issues with sex with her, but 3 yeasr after we broke it off, i came out of the closet. So, just because you don't find men sexually attractive (beyond oral sex), there IS something going on that you should address.
Similar story here, with a few more kids. I knew I was gay pretty early on. We more than managed to have sex, in large part due to her way above average enthusiasm for the sport. What I learned from that is that how much your partner is into the act can have a big influence on how you perform. But honestly, I fantasized about sex with men pretty much every time we did it. Eventually as I got older and my own libido slowed down a bit I wasn't keeping up with her anymore. I eventually realized I didn't want to.
Fast forward to a year after we split. First time I sucked c**k I had a raging hardon. Took a while longer to go any further than that, but the first time I bottomed for a guy it was probably the most intense feeling I'd ever had up till that point. I knew that this was without a doubt the type of sex I wanted to be having. Nothing since then has made me feel like looking back. I'm sure as heck not fantasizing about sex with women when I have sex with a guy.
But that's all about me. For the OP, perhaps a therapist would help. Or perhaps you've been with all the wrong partners? Obviously you haven't found a person who can turn you on "in the moment", but maybe there is a person out there who can do just that, and keep you're attention there with them where it belongs.
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You're living inside your own head too much. Meditation and mindfulness exercises can fix that, it teaches you to run purely on instinct and shit your brain off. If you can do that you will find your true self.
I can relate a fair bit to you, most men i hook up with I'm left feeling underwelmed and disappointed, but occasionally I'll hook up with a guy and think "wow that great". On the flipside I enjoy almost every experience I have with females. With girls I'm a total slut and can fuck almost all of them, but with guys I'm extremely picky, but if i find a GOOD guy, I can enjoy it on an equal level.
I think if you learn to relax and let go you'll enjoy sex with both male and females more, and you'll also meet a guy that you LOVE going down on.
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