Need your help!(Confused girl)

[specialneeds]

Hello there This might be a really long post,so excuse me for that and excuse me for my english.
I am a 19-year old female and lately I've been confused about my sexual orientation,and this question is very complicated for me and has a lot of issues.
There's no one I can really talk to,because I have recently split up with my former best friend, the girl who is my best friend now is a serious part of my confusement,most of my acquintances would take this as a joke and my parents never really understand anything connected with me,plus I come from a country where question of sexual orientation never actually arises,and you are presumed to be straight.

First of all,I'll tell you about my history with guys,which is not very rich. Before I started to ask myself questions,I was always somehow attracted to opposite sex from childhood and although I did consider myself to be quite different,I always knew that traditional model of starting a family and having kids,and thought that someday I would do that. In my teen years,I used to discuss opposite sex with my friends and I liked to do that. Moreover,I had a boyfriend when I was 15 who I thought I was in love with for a year or two and had a brief drunken sexual expirience which was good from a point of view of a teenage girl,and sort of OK from today point of view.Somehow at that age I felt for him,because he seemed to understand me,but time showed that wasn't true. I stopped to keep in touch with him,because he was actually unreliable and somewhat obscure,you know.Two or three weeks ago he invited me for a beer to a pub,and all I could think about was how he never were that person I thought him to be,and how stupid was our so-called relationship.During past 3 years never have I tried to enter a relationship,and I"ll try to explain why.
I am not really obsessed by sex,and I easily live without it. Instead,what I seek in people is several traits of character,I seek understanding and good communication. It hard to find such kind of communication,and I find it only in people who I consider to be special,there are less than 5 people I can think of througout my life,sex is only an addition to great understanding,to me.

Moreover, I feel absolutely dissatisfied by relationships as I hear about them from my friends and acquitances. Most of the couples either broke up in an unpleasant way,or continued dysfunctional relationships because they thought they had no choice,or were just blind. Also,I must say,I get creeped out by attention which is purposefully for starting a relationship.

Now,I have a best friend,who is a girl. We undestand each other,can spend a whole day talking,have a lot of plans together which we fullfill everyday,our tastes and general thoughts about life are te same,we are even planning to move to another country together. She is straight,although she doesn't really take the ralationships she has now seriously,but lately I started feeling jealous about her relationships with men,and I started to think I was having feelings for her(sexual, i guess). I am not telling her,because I am afraid to ruin our life,but still I am very confused.
My guess is that I am not really gay or straight,but have a single-tarded sexuallity.What do you think I should do? Please,help.

[nfisher1226]

Not sure what you mean by single-tarded sexuality but here's my take on it. If you haven't figured this much out already then it bears mentioning that a large number of people don't fall very neatly into a label or category when it comes to their sexuality. I tend to think you're one of those people who shouldn't be so worried about labels for yourself, based on what you wrote. You could call it "queer" or just simply "not straight" if that makes you feel better, as those are both some pretty inclusive categories.

It would seem you have a need for a deeper connection than what you have had before and what you perceive other to have. That's fine and it's ok to be alone rather than settling for a relationship that isn't fulfilling.

It's also not uncommon to have feelings for a close friend that go beyond friendship. A whole lot of people go through this, and for a lot of them it's the first inkling they have that they might not be entirely straight. But it's also a hard situation to resolve. There's not only a fear of rejection but also a fear of losing a friend.

My advice would be to take it slow and talk around the issue a little bit. You need to figure out exactly how your friend feels about girl-girl relationships and if she'd be comfortable with having female friend who likes females. You also want her to know how much the friendship means to you before you start telling her your feelings are something more.

Thing is, this is ultimately a good test of the friendship too. If she's as close of a friend as you say, then hopefully she'll still be able to accept you after a few revelations even if she can't return your feelings in kind. Of course there's also a possibility that she is feeling a lot of the same things as you, but you're never going to know either way until you can talk to her about it.

Now none of this is easy to do, and I understand that in the part of the world you live in it's even harder than where I live. It's a brave thing to take these first steps by posting here and acknowledging your feelings. This is a friendly place for the most part and you need people to talk to during all of this. Don't get discouraged. It's worth it in the long run to figure out exactly what makes you happy in life, even if it's a long and difficult process.

[partis]

hi specialneeds i agree that it can be creepy & unpleasent to get attention just to start a relationship, you just want people to be themselves, nothing false, and those traits what you look for in someone are important to me also.

i think you should ask yourself how you really feel about your friend before you risk anything, it may come as a complete shock but who knows, she may have feelings also but good friends can be hard to find and be just as special to you and in some cases last a lot longer.