12 year relationship advice

[n1986]

Hello everyone.

I am a gay 27 year old male in a 12 year relationship with a 26 year old guy who identifies as bisexual.

Early on in our relationship my partner recorded videos on his phone of some school girls at a bus stop and of a girl in a very short skirt at the back of a bus. I found these videos when trying to send some pictures from his phone to mine. When I asked him about the videos he said that he has no idea how they got onto his phone. Eventually he told me that he was horny and decided to film them so many concerns have been going through my head for over 10 years and i don't know what to do anymore. I have never been able to trust him since, he insists that he hasn't cheated and I have a responsibility to accept and believe in what he says, but I can't because of how he acts in other areas of our relationship. The videoing of school girls, in my opinion is crossing that line of being faithful to your partner.

He has said in the past that I don't turn him on because of my weight (I suffer from anorexia and when we first got together I weighed 5 and a half stone) I now weigh a healthy 10 stone, no longer look like a corpse and feel that I am controlling my illness. Since I have gained weight, nothing has changed. He doesn't like to touch me or hug me. He still says that I am a turn off.

He prefers to watch girl on girl porn and masturbate than have any sexual closeness with me. I asked him to include me if he wants to watch porn, hoping that it will bring us closer, which he seemed very happy about, thanking me for being understanding. When we do, he is just "not there" he puts headphones on and closes his eyes while I give him oral and doesn't say a word, there is no dialogue at all between us. It is the same every time we have sex, if you can call it that. He has never gone down on me, has never given me a hand job - I am always doing the pleasing.

I love this man to madness but am so lost. I don't know how to talk to him about it because we both end up getting extremely angry which quickly escalates. There is a history of violence on his part, the worst of which was when he headbutted me outside a club and people around started cheering and laughing.

I want to go to couples therapy but he does not. I don't want to throw away 12 years of life with him. There have been great times in the past but in all honest the hard times outweigh the good.

I would like to point out that I have no problem with people who identify as bisexual, my issues are not stemming from some kind of prejudice.

I am sorry that this is so long and I hope that it makes sense to anyone who may read this, any advice that you can give will help so much.

[Beau]

A healthy relationship has both partners looking out for the other one equally. If he is telling you that you are a turnoff, I'd say it's time to move on. He is not looking out for you and nobody else in this world will except yourself. Remember, that couples should be stronger together and reinforce each other, not tear each other down.

As for the videos, I wouldn't worry about it. I tend to look at other men, but have absolutely no reason to cheat on my man. My guy knows this. We discussed it early in the relationship. I love him and that love is strong. He knows how I feel about him.

I for one have no problems if my bf watches porn. It is usually to my benefit in the end. lol However, if he is more interested in porn than he is in you, then there is a problem. Some times we watch porn together and it's a big turn on for the both of us.

I'd recommend talking to him. Tell him exactly what you said here. If the relationship is still that one sided, then you need to move on. Relationships should be healthy, and from what you have posted here, it's anything but.

[Saa]

Don't forget that, even if you love him to death, you shouldn't love him more than you love yourself.

Based on what you wrote, I don't think you should be in any relationship for now, let alone in one that makes you feel anxious and depressed. I honestly think you should learn how to deal with your very own issues so you can feel confortable again with somebody else.

Honestly, be strong and don't be scared to answer that specific question that has kept you awake many many nights... Deep down, you know what is the right thing you should do.

[EvenOlderButWiser]

Hi and to the forum. Its just a pity its under these circumstances

I'm going to be brutally honest with you, so apologies in advance.

The moment the trust was gone, all those years ago, in reality is the moment you lost him. That you have tried so hard for so long is a testament to how much you love the guy, but unfortunately love has to be a two way street, otherwise it becomes a long and lonely battle to maintain the relationship as you have found out.

You both started the relationship young (14/15) and it seems to me that he's completely lost interest, this combined with the violence you've experienced and his complete disengagement from any intimacy is a huge red flag. The fact that your still willing to fight for the relationship, and he has no interest in helping also speaks volumes.

Are you living together, and if so who owns the house or is the main breadwinner? It sounds to me like he's just taking advantage of the situation.

I think you've come here to the forum because deep down you know what you need to do. Maybe you just need others to reinforce the message and give you the support you will need to cope with the fall out.

Im sure others will offer their opinions, but at the end of the day only you can make the decision.

Good Luck.

ObW
X

[Bowyn Aerrow]

I'm sorry, your relationship is a zombie relationship. It may have the appearance of being a living relationship, but I fear it is a dead, rambling rotting corpse.

I know what its like to stay with an abuser - I get where you are at in that. But honestly, the abuse never ends.

And I'm not talking about the hitting, head butting - he is abusing you mentally, verbally and emotionally.

His non responsive activity is a cruelty, an abuse. His telling you you ain't attractive when you have worked so hard on that anorexia is as much a punch to the stomach as if he hauled of and hit you with a fist.

This is a cruel, malicious, sadistic individual who is clearly using you for a place to stay, a bit of security and most likely loves you for the fact that he can control you and keep you around for another round of 'insult the hubby' or for another gay old time of laughter the next time he punches you or head butts you in public.

These things never get better, only worse.
I know every excuse you are ready to throw out, I know you think you love him, I know you think you need him, I know you think you can fix this.

Yes I know, but he ain't hitting me that hard, and he only hits me when I make him angry - and lots of other thoughts rush to mind.

I know those things, every victim of abuse knows these things well.

Victims stick around and allow it to happen, survivors say no, they leave, they stop playing the victim.

[MisterTinkles]

Sounds like you are just there to keep him from being bored, or paying all the bills.

This is one of the top 5 kinds of "gay abuse" that is going on with homo relationships. One partner gives and does, the other takes and uses.

Im not a "touchy feely" person, but I would at least HUG my BF if I had one!!

From my standpoint, he's nothing but a user/abuser. Why waste anymore of your time with someone who obviously has no respect for you, no love for you, or care about your feelings. Leave. Take your stuff and leave.

Its better to live alone than to be taken advantage of and abused/used by someone who really doesnt give a damn about you.

[L18amd]

Leave man leave

Sorry man loads of love but get out of there there's guys that will love you for you and not tell you your a turn off that's just awful get yourself out get over the hurt get on the playing field again trust me in this circumstances I think the hurt is worth it to get out of it xxxx

[southbiochem]

You said it yourself, and there's you answer : "the bad outweights the good"..

so, to sum up: he enjoys porn more than you, says that you're a turn off and has the lovely gesture of hitting you once...

why is it exactly that you are still with him?

so, move on..please.

why, you ask? go read what you posted, there's plenty of reason there...some other will come to mind, Im sure..

best of lucks, glad you got over your health issues...time for some loving yourself and find something better

[MisterTinkles]