Being single, sex and best friend zone

[abouzar]

I am finding myself in a very odd situation and I searched the internet for advice, but I can’t seem to find much, so here is hoping someone insightful may have some constructive feedback for me.

Over the past year, I have made serious efforts to find a good boyfriend. I have been on 50 dates or something around those numbers and I am not even an inch closer to having a boyfriend, not even an inch despite spending day after day trying

After going on dates, I get 3 types of outcomes all the time (distributed quite evenly between the 3 categories):

1) Best friend zone: after going on a few dates, I get the “Oh you are so nice and fun to hang out with. Let’s be really good friends. What are you doing this weekend?” Followed up by text messages on various days asking me to go hang out with them, play the role of the wing-man in gay clubs/bars, go drink with them, get introduced to all their friends, etc. (Some of them go on to find boyfriends and I am stuck in the "good friend zone" going out with them and their boyfriends seeing all their romancing in my face while still being really attracted to him, which is really painful).

2) Sex zone: after going on a couple of dates, I get the “Oh I really think you are cute. Would you like to come back to my place?” Usually I accept after some hesitation and the first sex session is followed up by “hey, do you want to hang out on so and so day?” and then I get to know those guys’ sexual schedules and desires on an ongoing basis.

3) Rejection: after going on a date, I get the “sorry, I don’t think we work out”.


I can’t seem to figure out what I do wrong and what gay guys want in a boyfriend, so that I can at least try to change my behaviour The general theme with the way things turn out for me seems to be “Oh, you are so nice, sweet, and generous” followed by “let’s be good friends” or “let’s be sex buddies”.

My closest friend thinks that I need to work on becoming a bit of an a**hole (but not too much of an a**hole) because guys respect that more and being nice may be interpreted as being desperate and no one likes desperation. I don’t know how I am supposed to be a bit of a**hole because it is so alien to me. And I don’t even know if this whole solution is necessarily beneficial …

Anyhow, my friends tell me I should stop being depressed about this whole thing and be thankful because there are many people who have trouble getting dates, finding sex, or making friends and I get all 3 regularly, but I feel lonely still without my romantic boyfriend and my biological clock is ticking haha.

I've never had a long term relationship and at this rate, I just can't see where it's going to come from.

Anyhow, many thanks for listening to me boring you with this non-sense and looking forward to hearing anyone who may have some thoughts about this!

[dfiant1]

Didn't read your whole message because I got to the '50 dates in 12 months' bit and discovered your problem...you are trying hard and expecting too much.

You can't make a relationship happen.

You need to meet people like you, similar hobbies/interest...be friends with them, and from that friendship is exactly where REAL relationships come from

[Bowyn Aerrow]

So do you want go on a date with me? :tongue:

Reality: Your situation isn't that odd. Your situation is typical - even painfully normal for a majority of human beings.

You are coming off as desperate in your post. It is highly probable you ooze with desperation on these dates.

The 'just friends' situation with you romantically attracted to these guys says 'I ain't picky at all, I'm just so desperate for love I will fall for anything walking by.

BTW - while I'm not the most socially astute individual on the planet, I know that 'Lets be friends' is code for 'Look, you are cute and all that, but frankly I don't want anything to do with you but since I'm a coward and can't voice what I really think, I'm going to offer you this olive branch of friendship hoping you will quickly tire of this and find someone else to play with.'

Yes there are a few people who actually say 'Your cool, and I think we will make good friends - lets be friends' and they actually mean it. This applies to maybe 5% of the population. the other 95% of the population are cowards, have no backbone and apparently think that offering friendship begrudgingly is a healthy way to reject a person.


Just sex: If you ain't into it then stop doing it. a lot of guys out there seem to want nothing but sex.

To get an example of how screwed up humans have become when it comes to what romance/love is about go to Craigslist. Apparently LTR/monogamy is so rare now days it falls under 'misc Romance'. Casual sex is now considered 'romance'--- For F's sake seriously?!?!?!

A lot of guys are players - they lie through their teeth saying they want an LTR when all they want to do is score with you.


Know what it is you want and stick with that. I have a 30 day no sex policy - I meet a guy who shows interest I tell him it won't be for 30 days before he sees me naked. Period. This is not a line drawn in the sand, this is a line carved in immutable stone. Make it perfectly clear from the start what it is you are seeking.

That will weed out most (not all) players and sex seekers.

If you are doing the internet romance thing and a guy starts asking for nude pictures of you - honey he ain't looking for love, he is looking for something to jack off too.


I freely admit I am somewhat attracted to assholes - I must since I 'married' so many of them. I most likely would not be amused to learn that my asshole husband I just married 6 months ago was actually not an asshole.

No the reality is I would be pissed that I was sold a bill of goods. I might be the odd one there - I look for flaws in men - I prefer to know their issues right up front - I hate surprises and false 'perfection' annoys me to no end.

If you ain't an asshole then don't act like you are one. You cannot stay in character forever and eventually it will be revealed you are not the asshole you pretended to be and it will annoy your would be husband.

Most of the relationships that end around 6-9 months is due to the fact that one or both partners were pretending to be something they are not. The masks slipped off and one or both partners were not happy with what they saw.

Don't be the guy who wears a mask and gives your partner a terrible surprise of being nothing like the mask you wear.

[Geminize]

I can’t seem to figure out what I do wrong and what gay guys want in a boyfriend, so that I can at least try to change my behaviour

"What gay guys want" is a pretty broad question. Some want emotional intimacy, some just want a buddy, some want you hog-tied and hanging from their basement ceiling. Don't try to please everyone. My point is to be yourself and attract who you attract.

It's hard to say based on what you have shared, but maybe you could try to be a little more confident/assertive. If you are just being nice and trying to please, that's not enough for many guys (except the ones who only want sex). If that's not you, then so be it. Meet enough guys in enough situations (not just on dates) and you will find some who are attracted to you for who you are. Especially if you are cute, nice, fun to hang out with, and not an asshole.

[Sylph]

I can't even gurl.

Don't change yourself or be anyway for someone else. Be who you are, you'll attract what's right for you.

Fuck a guy who can't see you for what your worth. You may be heels over head for him, but if he don't want you, then gurl you can't force him and its pointless to do so or pine over it.

It's hard, we've all been there, some of us are where you are now, but you know what, things could be worse. And you should be happy to have friends at the least.

A relationship may not even cure this itch or feeling you have, he may end up being a rapist or controlling person or whatever. Don't just rush in with your senses closed and your heart leading the way.

It's sounds hard, but you gotta temper your heart and strengthen your will and embrace life for what it's worth.

Stop trying to make something of what won't be. You're probably scaring the guys away that way.

Just be natural. Be more confident in yourself, just shine gurl.

[zeon]

Hello,
Try not to go on so many dates... The thing with love and relationships is it will happen and occur when you least expect it.. By the sounds of it the amount of dates your going on isnt because you want to find a partner it is because you want to be loved and in order to be loved the first rule is to love yourself so... What i need you to do is go out and enjoy your life as a single gay man.. Relationships are wonderful to get into but can be a pain to get out of.. I would recommend meeting new friends of course and build up a circle of close friends who you feel you can rely and trust and build upon those to great friends as this helps to build a genuine reputation of who you are and then over time as your true colours come out mista your find the love your wanting but you got to lead your life for you first and others secondw..

Kindest regards

Aunty Zeon