Settling to just be single..?

[putresVigil]

Some people function better outside of the standard relationship dynamic and some thrive off of it. I am the opposite; I tend to take better care of myself, have more ambition, and am generally much happier when I have someone I know has my back in that department. For some, though, I have seen them very happy and single. Don't force what doesn't work for you. I have never met anyone who that approach worked for.

[Sylph]

Its odd.. I like being alone, but wanna be with someone lolz.

I'm too independent though T^T, though I feel like I would give over control also, which is a little scary for me.

And I don't get the whole "we" identity thing :o .

I guess I'm just not ready mentally for a relationship and in this point of my life, I find that okay.

[Matty71]

..Is that a thing?

I mean it's not for the lack of trying or anything, but I am
getting to the point that I am starting not to mind being by
myself. [relationship wise]

I used to feel real crappy every time my friends and I go our
separate ways and they go back home to their sig-other and I
come home to.. well, my room. Now, I don't feel good or bad
about it, it is just what it is.

I am starting to believe that relationships aren't for everyone
and that some people are just destined to be single for the rest
of their lives and there's nothing wrong with that.

I am perfectly content with the company of my friends and loved
ones and I just don't feel the need to keep thinking 'what-if' anymore.

I might be swayed again to think otherwise, but has anyone else ever
felt like this at one point or another?

Yes, I understand what you're saying.

Over the years, after many relationships, I kind of got burnt out on the whole thing.

Now that I'm older (And my sex drive is pretty low, currently) I do not hold relationships as so important.

I could see having a healthy, monogamous, non-sexual relationship (Just kissing, hugging, cuddling of course) in the future, though.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

your partner fell in love with you because you were YOU

Doubtful. Very doubtful.

Considering how well humans lie to themselves about Self, how many work real hard to downplay if not deny their foibles and imperfections, how many are hard at work on selling themselves on their good points and how too few actually accept their partner's flaws - This is a downright dirty lie.

Honesty - humans don't do that. Go to any relationship site (not hook up site) and read how many boyscout that are well adjusted, professional, without 'issues' that exist in the world. If this was wholly accurate, then why are they single? Ok Cupid is full of men who are practically perfect in every way demanding that their next partner has 'no issues' 'no drama' and is a professional like they are.

How many 1-2 year relationships hit the black rocks of reality when suddenly 'My BF/GF is not the person I actually met":

"Why did s/he change?"
"What did I do to make him/her different - How do I make my SO the person they once were?"

"S/He told me he was into strict monogamy, but s/he is cheating on me."
"S/He said he is ultra clean, but s/he hasn't lifted one finger to clean the house."
"S/He told me s/he doesn't like video games, but since getting the latest version of WOW s/he spends all night long on the game and totally ignores me."


"What happened? What went wrong?"

What happened; the actor forgot his/her lines, the person became comfortable with their partner to where they shucked the masked that they used to catch this perfect (but lets face it, there are things I can fix in them) partner.

How often do we agonize over saying the 'right thing' which means we are wondering what exactly we need to say to appease the person we are talking to. Does anyone actually sit there and list their faults on their first date? No they go on and on talking about how great a person they are (or how shitty their ex turned out to be) or they focus on what they think the person wants to hear and do their damned level best to hide the real creature, the errors, the foibles, those parts of themselves that they are afraid will doom them to ever lasting loneliness and celibacy.

It happens in every single social interaction that humans have - constantly the lies flow out of the mouths always in an attempt to sell ourselves to the person we are talking too.

How many posts have we here about people who want to change who they are and what they are to meet some idealized standard of what a 'good partner' is. how man introverts what to deny they are an introvert and magically become an extrovert in order to meet their 'perfect mate'?

People are always seeking to deny their basic nature, to be something they are not in order to 'trap' people into their web of deceit thinking that they will find that they want by lying through their teeth to get that.

So no, I seriously doubt anyone falls in love with the real person - they fall in love with the mask of the person, the character that person plays in the dating role in order to catch a person who is also playing themselves off as the 'perfect match'.

Even fundamental parts of the dating scene in the Gay world (as far as I know) is about lying about what I want. Way too many guys saying 'I want a LTR' when the truth is they want to fuck you and forget you - Why the lie?

How many threads do we have here from guys who discover that the guy they are/were dating wanted a LTR then has decided that 'lets be FYB'?


Honesty is so hated in the dating world that my advert which laid out my 'issues' got tons of hits - hits by guys telling me maybe I shouldn't be THAT honest and try to focus on my 'good points'.

Apparently they seem to read that I can lie about waking up screaming in the middle of the night from PTSD, or that my extreme aversion to social settings can be hidden forever. Apparently seasonally depressed is not acceptable and my saying 'Oh I have no issues' is going to fly and that somehow I will manage to be in character for the next 20+ years.

Truth - no one wants that. Fall in love with the real person - hardly, everyone wants the perfect mate without issues, without problems, without drama - Good luck - that ain't going to happen.

[Sylph]

BA omg, your posts are so lengthy T^T . you know us Sylphids don't got millenia like the elves lol.

But I can agree. People it seems too often go in with their eyes closed and heart leading the way and this can actually be more crippling and debilitating...

I believe the heart is a guide, not a panacea emotionally speaking.

But BA says it betterz ;p

[Drew]

..Is that a thing?

I mean it's not for the lack of trying or anything, but I am
getting to the point that I am starting not to mind being by
myself. [relationship wise]

I used to feel real crappy every time my friends and I go our
separate ways and they go back home to their sig-other and I
come home to.. well, my room. Now, I don't feel good or bad
about it, it is just what it is.

I am starting to believe that relationships aren't for everyone
and that some people are just destined to be single for the rest
of their lives and there's nothing wrong with that.

I am perfectly content with the company of my friends and loved
ones and I just don't feel the need to keep thinking 'what-if' anymore.

I might be swayed again to think otherwise, but has anyone else ever
felt like this at one point or another?

No, I don't think it's just you. I really don't mesh with most gay men, on a romantic level anyways, so I'm starting to suspect that I'm one of those better-off-single types myself. I'd love to find an awesome guy to come home to and share little moments and all that cute stuff, but the guy I want doesn't exist, really. I've tried setting the bar lower, but I can't feel "that way" if I'm not attracted or if a guy bores or creeps me out. Maybe it's just a numbers game, but I've gone through a lot of numbers, trust me. I'd rather just be happy and go with the flow than to repeatedly try to smash a square peg through a round hole.

[nfisher1226]

I get the point, but it's awfully negative.

Seriously, I have plenty of reason to be skittish of relationships. I would feel justified in never trying again, if only out of self preservation, or even just because I'm admittedly not very good at it. But I -choose- to live a more hopeful life than that. No doubt some people (or elves or whatnot) would see this as insanity. For me, the positivity itself is a way of remaining happier.

I'm more than understanding of depression, as I tend to have long bouts of it myself. I've also come to realize I can do a lot to make myself feel better. Not having rants like BA's is, for me, one of the best ways I have to enjoy life. I'm capable of writing as much, if not more, about why people suck and relationships suck and it's all circling the drain. But I'm also capable of admitting that things can be better, have at times in fact been better, and that there's every chance they will become better in the future.

As for the actual question of relationships, I prefer to think of it thus. I'm ok with being alone because I don't want to be in a relationship just to be in a relationship. I tend to think I won't always be alone, and I would love to not be alone, but for the time being it's just not a big deal.

[horatiohornblow]

I love being single...I prefer it. I can do whatever I want, whenever I want. When you're in a relationship every decision takes twice as long, and you constantly have to compromise your wants for someone else's. To be honest I'm so settled in my ways that it would be difficult to accommodate another person. Some people need to be in a relationship & some people don't...

[nfisher1226]

That's a very good point.

When I was married, I felt like I had no control whatsoever over my house. It never looked or felt the way I wanted it to.

A while after we separated I got into a fairly serious relationship with a man, and we lived together. I enjoyed putting our apartment together as a couple, and it felt a lot more like a partnership. But there were times when he just got his way a little more than I was comfortable with.

Now that I've lived on my own for a while I'd have to say it would be hard to give in to someone else over decorating, where to store things, what should be for dinner, what to do on a nice weekend, you name it. True I live with my daughter, but I'm the parent so I have final say any time it's important enough to me to exercise it. Since I jumped right into marriage at a young age this is in reality the first time I've felt like I had "my own place", and frankly I like it too much to give it up easily.

[davearoo]

I'll admit that I'd much rather be with someone I can't live without than be alone.

However, I'd ALWAYS take being alone over settling for a mediocre someone I could just live with!