How do I deal with confusion?

[BrokenMind]

Hi all,
I wondered if someone could help me. I am confused / hurting and I really don't know what to do.

I met a guy around a year ago, and we got on really well. We were close, passionate, and I absolutely adored him. We spent every minute together and had a great summer.

When I actually brought up the suggestion of dating originally, his response really confused me. He wasn't ready and didn't want to, but acknowledged it was more than friends.

Anyway I hoped he would change his mind, but inside it was hurting me. Months went by and we kept repeating the profess - having a really good time and him just saying he didn't want anything, we want different things etc. So a number of times I cut ties and just found myself needing to be with him, and the same for him.

He went away for a few months travelling. I thought it was chance to get over him. As soon as he come back, he got back in touch and around we went again. I just couldn't understand how we were so close and he didn't want me. Every kiss, touch etc felt so passionate, and yet I felt he just didn't want me. Consequently I built up so much resentment towards him, making me feel so used and unloved.

Anyway a year later, he come over and had a chat with me. He now feels ready to date and wants to be with me. Now we are so distant, every kiss etc just makes me feel horrible and unwanted. Given the number of rejections I just don't believe him.

The intimacy, romance etc is all naturally just gone now and he isn't one to talk about his feelings. He has just said I need to trust him and see how it goes. I feel like crap and whether now is too late, after all the negativity and rejection for a year.

I just don't know what to do. I really like him but I'm filled with resentment and anger as to how I've been treated. I don't think he will make me feel loved but I can't bare the thought of losing him. I've talked to him and he just thinks it's my problem that I have to deal with and be happy that he finally wants me.

It just makes me feel worse.

What do I do

[southbiochem]

ugh...sounds awful

Did he ever give you good reasons as to why he didn't want to be with you back then and why suddenly he wants to now?

whatever the situation is, first you need to let him know very clearly how much you liked him and how much his actions and attitudes hurt you. He just can't go arround saying it's your problem, seeming how he caused this situation.

If this sounds blunt, I'm sorry, but he seems like an awful person, at least from what I read....I mean...you had to be happy with him just fooling arround and now you have to be happy that NOW he wants you?...

A bit like he's stating :"I'll do whatever I want, and you'll have to deal with it...I'll fool arround with you when I want to and I'll be with you when I want to and you'll have to accept it"

That's being incredibly selfish...and you have every right to feel hurt and upset.

Now ask yourself: about the "can't stand the thought of loosing him" part...

Does that have to do with actual real feelings you have right now?

or does it have to do with the fact that you wanted it to happen for so long that you are convincing yourself that you still like him, but maybe you're over him?

The answer to this question may well be the solution to your situation

I hope I helped a bit, and I repeat, even if you happen to have feelings for this guy still, you don't deserve to be treated like this, think about that.

best of lucks to you! mile:

[Zach]

Sorry you are going through this.

I've had the same thing happen to me, and ultimately I learned that it's best to pay close attention to the red flags - especially when they are waving numerous times.

A broken heart is a terrible thing. But it will mend in time (as long as someone is not playing with your emotions).

Easier said than done, I know. But sometimes we have to just walk away: there's someone better out there for you.

I wish you all the luck in the world.

[BrokenMind]

Thanks for that. It really helps.

He always give me reasons of varying levels of destruction such as, he was going traveling, so it wasn't fair, we are different people and like doing different things, he wasn't sure if he was saying round here and e wanted to make absolutely sure I was for him.

I guess, for a long time I have wanted him badly and now I can, I wonder whether he can love me. He isn't one to show affection so I'm worried that I'll always feel low and at his mercy.

Plus he's not that into sex and doesn't enjoy it either. Which really confuses me.

A lot of me just thinks cut strings and get away, whilst the thought of that gives me an awful feeling in my chest that I don't want to lose him.

He's gone away with work for a few days. I talked last night to him about all this. He just said to message him in a few days with a decision as to what I want to do. That just made me angry because I think it's him that should be repairing this.

I just think it's all broken before it's begun, so is it worth even bothering.

Thanks for your advice. It's such a hard one. Being single for almost 5 years, this really doesn't make me feel particularly good.

[Woollyhats]

I just think it's all broken before it's begun...

See above sentence.

[southbiochem]

well...since I'm a closeted bastard, I've been single since I first learned I was gay...at 13...so...13 years...yep..

That's why I know exactly how you feel and how awful it is to be without anyone for so long.

I still advice you to not let this get to you...

As I see, if he continues to be selfish like he has showned to be, he'll do you no good..even if he indeed likes you and wants you now..

I myself, have been fixated on a guy for 4 years, and what it started as a wondeful warm feeling, has turned into me feeling miserable every time I see him, and yet I still think to myself that if I ever get the chance I would like to be with him....

I know just how you feel, the thought of missing that chance whe we've wanted it for so long is unbearable even if deep down we know it's no longer any good for us..

Be strong, think it through, even make a pro/con list if you need to. You'll know the right answer and make the right choice for yourself.

Again, best of luck to you in this

[BrokenMind]

Thanks for all your advice guys.

Really good food fr thought and I really appreciate it.

I guess I know what I have to do

Thanks again. It means a lot

[Bowyn Aerrow]

This is really no different than hitting yourself with a hammer. You already know that each time this particular hammer swings down its going to hurt. All you really need to do is get out from under this particular hammer.

I really like him but I'm filled with resentment and anger as to how I've been treated.

9 times out of ten is is resentments that kill a realtionship. Sure there is that one last event that appears to be the couples 'issue' but more often than not its a shit load of other little crap that planted seeds of resentment - that 'last thing' is only a symbol of a far greater set of issues that the couple never worked on, never resolved and ultimately lost the love over.

Starting a relationship that already has this much resentment and anger is like taking a cruse on a ship that already has its hull holed - it isn't going to end well.


So let me tell you the truth (which you will hate, and everyone here is going to say 'Aw Bowyn, why are you always such an asshole')

The problem here is not him. The problem is you. You are pinning false hope on a fellow who will never, ever be that guy that you want.

You are the one being desperate and needy. You are the one who is so pathetically lonely that you are willing to throw away your honor, self respect and all of that other stuff that keeps people from crawling in their bellies to unworthy people.

Yes at one point he hurt you, now its you just hurting yourself since you already know what he is like, that there is no real hope at a relationship. This is self harm - no different than the person who picked up a razor blade and slices their skin.

Stop it.

[BrokenMind]

Wow

Thanks lol.

I do get what you're saying and I have said to him quite admittedly that this is in my head.

The difficulty for me is that he isn't a horrible person. In fact he is quite amazing so it's hard to build that persona of him being a hurtful person. He doesn't sleep about, he is, like me just very broken. I think it's all been very subconscious and completely my issue but regardless,
It doesn't stop me hurting.

As I say, I know it has to end as he won't suddenly change to the man I need and I do recognise my many many issues.

Thanks for your very honest advice. I need it!