Today is THE day

[MANREG]

Today is THE day

After a one year relationship, today I'm going to talk with my boyfriend about us.
It's been difficult some situations and I can't hold this anymore. I have so many doubts but I need your help and you guys tell me if I'm wrong or he's wrong.

He's older than me. But he is not mature at all, Years ago he has done things that now regrets, no so bad but maybe could have had a better future (profesional future). Well, that's not the big deal but I try to explain a little about his past so you can understand now how is he.

There are situations that annoys me. Like:

-We met in a gay social network, and he had pictures almost naked. I didn't like that and after 6 months I found that he had more pictures of him in other web pages. I told him to delete all those pictures and he did it but not all. I don't like people judge him or us about our past, it was a way to meet gay people but not anymore. He should have done it long ago right?

-After 8 months of relationship, I found he had contact with other gay guys from other cities here in Peru. He add guys to his social network (facebook). Of course I told him because what's going on? are you with me and still meeting gay guys with naked pictures? I didn't like that too. He told me he add these guys to see his photos and that for him this is normal. I disagree

-We agreed to go out the same day we met for the first time one year ago, I was very excited about see him waiting for me but... he wasn't there, He was at home talking with his neighbor (a woman) and I was waiting and waiting and when he finally arrived said "hi what's up" no apologizes, no emotion, no happines, nothing! We discussed and I felt that day not feelings for him. He almost cry but he didn't. I forgive him but I started to feel doubts about my feelings for him.

-I made a little surprise for him in his house, with chocolates, candy, muffins, candles, all of it. When he arrived he was just like "ohh nice, thank you" and smiled. He accepted I take photos, I put songs, I danced with him "las mañanitas" but he never shows very emotional about this surprise... I felt terrible and lie myself telling me that he was tired after the little "party" in his parent's house. The problem here is he always do this. No big emotions and he told me he cries after watching a movie, or even when something good happen on him he start to jump but nothing that I've done with all my emotions and feelings he has appreciated in the way that I expected from him.

-I lent him some money a month ago, he told me I'll pay you on december. I accepted it. But then he told me his company was going to pay him some extra money for his vacations and what did he do? started to plan what he's going to buy for his house. He didn't think about pay me or maybe ask me "do you need the money now?" Nothing!. He just thought on him. I felt so bad. I felt he is just interested in my money (I'm not a rich guy, but I safed money) because I helped him before.

-We are not "friends" in facebook. I decided to add him recently and what I found? A funny pic of him and some naked guys put 'likes' on his picture. naked guys? Didn't we according to not contact more gay guys and do not expose our lives to bad comments? (he has his family, work friends on facebook and also his charge is high in the company) That was just enough.

That's why today I'm going to talk with him about this... Am I the one who is wrong or he is wrong? We haven't talked several days... the relationship is cold but I missed him this last days so much and started to cry and thinking why I didn't meet him before? when he was young so he wasn't acting like this and I wasn't suffering too...

Sorry for long story... but I can't hold this anymore. I ask you guys again
Am I wrong? or he is the one who is wrong?

[Undreamt]

Nobody can tell you what is right for you.

If you are trying to live your life based on should or shouldn't then you won't get far.

If the relationships is not for you then end it. Cut your losses and start over.

Pain can be a good thing if its for the right reasons.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

I lent him some money a month ago, he told me I'll pay you on december. I accepted it. But then he told me his company was going to pay him some extra money for his vacations and what did he do? started to plan what he's going to buy for his house.

According to my calendar it is still October....


I think there is cognitive disconnect that runs through your life which really applies to all of your 'woes' here.

You accept on one level what is, then when it suits you you decide to change up. You loaned him money before, did he promptly pay you as per agreement? If so, then what's the problem? If he makes agreements and follows through - you should be very thankful that he does - most men don't.

why I didn't meet him before? when he was young so he wasn't acting like this and I wasn't suffering too...

Another sign of cognitive issues here. If you didn't know him back then then how on earth can you make the claim he wasn't like this? This is illogical, irrational and based on what you THINK is and not on reality. If he is detached emotionally, unable to express those emotions now, he most likely was doing the same thing all the way back. Like it or not he comes from a generation with more clearly defined ideas about what men do and don't do. He was raised to be a man of his era - and he is being one.

I think the real issue here is you found his lack of emotional expression to be 'hot' and 'cute' and 'adorable' back when you met and now you decide its irritating. I think you fail to realize who and what he is and from what you wrote it doesn't sound like he has hidden much from you and has remained pretty much who and what he is.

We met in a gay social network, and he had pictures almost naked. I didn't like that and after 6 months

And the lie was told by whom? I mean you met him with naked pictures, I fail to see where the surprise and sudden change in his personality and character actually is.

You didn't like his almost naked pictures, but went ahead and dated him.... Why?

I fail to see where exactly it is that he is lying to you about who and what he is. I think you have unreasonable expectations - YOU are the one who clearly set about on having a project husband, starting off with what you consider a rough block that you can chip away, manipulate, mold and remake into some ideal husband.

[Geminize]

It's not a question of one of you being right or wrong. Now that you have been together for a year, you know him better and how he is in a relationship. That's what dating is about. If you don't like some things about his personality and your relationship, it may be that it just won't work for you. You don't have to blame him.

If you want someone who shows more emotion and reacts to the things you do for him (I would), than it may be time for you to move on. I wouldn't like it if my boyfriend was posting naked pics on dating sites either. You can still like him, just let him know it's not working for you for these reasons. It sounds like the two of you have different needs and expectations in a relationship.

[James]

So I guess the question becomes, what do you want out of a relationship compared to your "boyfriend", if it doesn't mesh, even with alittle give and take, it probably won't work, James

[Woollyhats]

This is a convoluted one....

Some things you're going to have to give on, and you also have to realize that some of the things your boyfriend is doing right now were already things that were happening going into the relationship, as Bowyn Arrow said.

If you want change, you need to be completely open, and willing to compromise. Chances are, your boyfriend isn't even aware that some of these things are bothering you so much, so write everything out (unaccussingly), tell him you need to talk everything out, and pick a time and go over everything... know you're going to give and take, and if you give ultimatums or come across as angry, you're going to get the same thing back... so be careful... you are equals in your relationship, after all.

If you aren't even able to have conversations with him, that's a big sign for trouble, because if you can't talk and be open problems are going to add up and never get solved...

So you asked...

"Am I the one who is wrong or he is wrong? We haven't talked several days... the relationship is cold but I missed him this last days so much and started to cry and thinking why I didn't meet him before? when he was young so he wasn't acting like this and I wasn't suffering too... "

It's not about wrong or right.. you aren't talking, how are you going to work on these problems without talking? Of course your relationship is cold...! You have all of this pent up anger and it's just sitting there, poisoning your relationship. You both have a responsibility to solve problems, and if you can't even work on them, it's not going to last (unless you're from some other universe where problems in relationships don't happen, in which care please bring me with you).

If after trying and trying and trying you still are left with something you hate, leave.... but do try to make it work... because if you are able to acknowledge your own short comings maybe you'll do better next time....

[MANREG]

Thank you guys.
I hoped this thread would appear on time, but due to "administration" appeared to late. And I say it was to late it's because if I had read these messages I wouldn't be now alone...

My ex-boyfriend decided ("his decision " as he call) to take some time alone, without calling me, without watching me, without know anything about me. I forgave him but he told me that "he needs time" so I don't know how much time he needs and when I would see him again. When I told him I'm not going to resist he answered "you have to respect my decision. It would good for US... You are the person who changed my life in a good way, I'm better in my job, I'm studying again, I bought new things to my home and also save money to study... How Could I not love you? that's all I have to say, but I need time to miss you more and meet you as a friend because maybe we started to quickly" and that's it.

I deserved it. I miss him so much but now he's gone and I don't know when he is coming back. Maybe he won't so I have to wait right? But I don't know how much time I'd wait. He decided to fix himself and he didn't let me help him.

I messed it all...

[Geminize]

I deserved it. I miss him so much but now he's gone and I don't know when he is coming back. Maybe he won't so I have to wait right? But I don't know how much time I'd wait. He decided to fix himself and he didn't let me help him.

I messed it all...

You didn't mess it all up, and you don't need to wait for him either. If you want to try again with him, give him some time. Then do just what he said: meet him as a friend. Wait a week or two. It will be good for both of you. Then invite him to meet for coffee or lunch, something simple. If he says no, then it's time to move on. You might even find you feel different after a week or two.

[MANREG]

Ohhhhh guys, this story has an END

Yesterday I couldn't resist. I went to his house, I took the first bus directly to his home and then run (after I call him and he told me "I'm busy I'll call you later" with a cold reaction) I knocked the door and he came out by the other door (not the principal one), he told me "No, It's not time, my parents are here" and then I said "I'm going to in, I have the key" and he told me "I have a visit" (what? a visit?) I told him I'm going to in, he said please don't and I did it and what did I found? You won't ever imagine: A GUY IN HIS BED

Yes, a fat guy in his bed, wearing boxers and undershirt. And he introduced me this guy in very polite way: "Manreg , may I introduce you -fat man-, my ex, the first one". I was in shocked. And he told me that's why he did everything about taking time for US. (yeah for us? It means YOU). I was trying to remember when this love ended 'cause it's not even a month since we celebrated our first anniversary. He told me he is the one he has loved ever. His ex wrote him when I was distance with him and he thought "is this coincidence? my boyfriend is not here and my ex is coming back?" So he was too happy, he didn't thought in me, he just did what his heart feel in that moment. His ex just put his clothes on and he runaway, he gave me a handshake and i gave him a really hard handshake. He puts a face like "ouch it hurts!" (BTW the ex has a car and I'm just a boy with nothing, ok I have more money than my ex but not a car)

He lied to me. The man, the first man that I love lied to me, but I forgive him, I sleep in his bed, we did have sex but it wasn't the same. There was no love but I know he is still loving me -or at least something like that- cause I saw him crying this morning when I was going. I told him I FORGIVE YOU cause you just react in a way that maybe I could react too, but I didn't do it cause I love you. We hug, I kiss him for the last time and then we walked by the same streets that weeks ago we were walking so happy making plans for future... It was very difficult and then... the bus station. And I say "Till next time..." he didn't say anything else...

I can't forget him. He is my first love. He has created a chain. As he was waiting for his ex, I'll be waiting for him.

Don't know what to do... please help me. Even I saw that, even I heard his words, my heart still don't believe it... Don't know what to do.

[JohnJames]

You have to leave this guy... So what if he is your first love???? He will just ruin your life..... The sooner you move on, the better.... He's not worth a second of your time... Don't be foolish.