Trouble getting it up

[swimmer243]

So I recently officially "came out" to both myself and lots of my close family/friends (and by recently I mean maybe 5-6 months ago). Since then I've really been trying to explore my sexuality more. Prior to coming out I had never been with a guy sexually but had fantasized a lot to gay porn and stuff, which definitely got me hard.

Since coming out, I have seen a few guys, but they all fizzled out before reaching the sexual phase. However there is this one guy I have been hanging out with lately. We hung out one night and had a good time. A week later we went out again...I had quite a bit to drink that night, I went to his place, and I ended up in bed with him.

Okay, so let me first explain that I'm normally not the type to just sleep around with anyone and pointless hookups do nothing for me. And even though I ended up in bed with this guy after only the second time hanging out with him, I still feel attracted to him, he's got a really sweet personality, etc.

However, I was completely unable to get an erection. That night I sort of just blamed it on the alcohol...I was still able to pleasure him and it was still a good time. (For the record, I definitely was turned on because I had plenty of precum in my shorts)

But now, just the other night, we hung out for the third time. We went out for dinner, had a more romantic time, made even more of a connection, and this time we ended up at my place. And ended up in bed together again. I was completely sober, and still no erection. (Still lots of precum though so again, I was definitely aroused)

I guess performance anxiety seems to be the most logical answer. I mean this is the first guy I have ever been sexual with, and typically when we end up at each other's places, he wants to get right into it, which definitely puts a bit of pressure on me. I enjoy being physical with him, but I worry that he's going to start losing interest if he keeps noticing that things are a bit limp down there. (Edited to add: I will say though that this hasn't turned him away yet, because even after both times of me not getting hard, he still is really sweet to me and seems to want to continue spending time together)

The strangest part of this whole thing is that ever since the first time I ended up in bed with this guy, I've been having trouble getting an erection all the time. Even when trying to masturbate, or just thinking about sexual things that used to get me hard. I don't have problems masturbating once I help myself along, but I've noticed it's become harder for me to just get an erection naturally. I'm just worried that the memory of me not getting it up with my first guy will now haunt me for the rest of my life.

Sorry for the long winded post, but does anyone know of a way to overcome a problem like performance anxiety? I just am worried that from now on I will always be putting too much pressure on myself because I don't want to repeat the first two times this has happened, but if I do that then it'll just make the problem that much worse.

[jimcrackcorn]

Performance anxiety may be the underlying cause of your erectile dysfunction. It wouldn't hurt to see a Doctor about this situation,,, just to insure it's not caused by something else. The Doctor may recommend Viagra to temporarily get past the anxiety your having. Or he could recommend something else, depending on your situation.

Best wishes,
Jim

[MisterLove]

So [...] I'm just worried that the memory of me not getting it up with my first guy will now haunt me for the rest of my life.[...]

Sweetie don't worry, that's not going to happen.

You're right, this seems to be a case of sexual performance anxiety and, believe me, you're not alone. Performance anxiety is extremely common and affects men of all ages, especially younger guys. And because guys are obsessed with dick, this could become a problem (snowball effect).

The good news: performance anxiety is easily treatable.

I suffered from coital anxiety (i.e. I was able to attain an erection but lost it just before penetration) for many years and today I have a perfectly normal sex life. Sex, incl. penetration, is no longer a problem. And if I can do it, anyone can!

My #1 tip: do some research on the subject. Knowledge is indeed power. The more you know about this problem, the less stressful it will be. Read books (I strongly recommend anything written by Tom F. Lue, a brilliant urologist), talk to doctors, search the internet.

You will soon find out that this is not ED, it is a perfectly normal biological reaction. When you're facing a stressful situation and get too anxious, the release of adrenaline and other chemicals constricts peripheral circulation and inhibits erections (fight or flight response). This makes perfects sense: the last thing you need when you're facing danger is an erection!

There are, however, simple ways to overcome anxiety: have a warm shower (the hot water will relax you and widen the vessels that bring blood into the penis to form an erection), don't eat before sex, avoid certain meds (many antidepressants can cause ED).

Oral medication (Viagra, Cialis, Levitra, Zyprima) works but these are prescription drugs and I'm sure you won't need any of that.

If the problem persists, go see a doctor (urologist). Even if this is just psychological, a doctor will be able to help you. Self medication is always a risk.

Good luck!

[MisterLove]

[...] It wouldn't hurt to see a Doctor about this situation,,, just to insure it's not caused by something else. [...]

Absolutely, excellent piece of advice!

[swimmer243]

Thanks for the help. I don't think there's anything physically wrong with me since I'm still able to get an erection when I'm by myself. So I definitely think it's more psychological.

To give a little more background information - I met this guy online, and on his profile it said he was looking primarily for a FWB. Which generally isn't the kind of guy I go for - to me that just screams that he wants sex and nothing else right now. But after talking to him online, he seemed like a genuinely nice guy, and when we actually hung out, I was definitely attracted to him. But we ended up in bed together after only our second time hanging out - we were out at a bar, both were drinking a good amount, and he suggested I come back to his place. So from that moment I pretty much knew what was coming and I think I just psyched myself out. Same thing goes for the third time we hung out.

I think it's a combination of me being nervous about this being my first real sexual encounter with a guy, plus the fact that I still don't really know him all that well yet and we haven't made that much of a connection yet, although I am becoming more attracted to him the more we hang out.

Maybe this problem will become easier the more time we spend together and the more we actually build a connection, but I do tend to psych myself out a lot and put way too much pressure on myself. But my thought process is that if I can't get it up because I'm anxious, then I'll just get even more anxious, and it just snowballs from there.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

Stop. Right there.

Yes he is a nice guy who want only sex. Yes you are attracted to him - but he only wants sex from you.

He said he wants a fuck buddy, not a relationship. If you want to be only a fuck buddy then go for it, if you are wanting more than don't sit there pining for him or hoping that time will change his mind. He won't.

I think he made it perfectly clear from the start what it is he wants and needs at this time. Do NOT think you can change that.

Yes you are having a problem getting a hardon because you little head is (and this is a very remarkable situation) thinking for you.

Your heart is not into this - you want/need more than 'just sex' - so wait until that right guy comes along who can (and will) give you more than just sex.


Most of sex takes place between the ears - and your emotions do not take place in the heart, they take place between the ears. You most likely need a nice guy, one who is into you and willing and able to commit to you. There is no shame in that.

When you are ready when you are with that one special guy who is able to 'make love' to you (not just sex) you will find that this wee erection problem will suddenly evaporate and totally go away.

This guy ain't the one. this guy is a fuck buddy, a friend who wants the benefit of sex without the attachments of love, relationship, shared rent expenses, marriage and all of that other stuff. He can't give you these things. Sorry.

[nfisher1226]

All BA said, but also...

How old are you? A lot of men experience a much reduced sex drive in their 30's, and the onset can actually be quite sudden. It may not be "the" problem, but combined with performance anxiety and/or a little confusion as to what you really want it could very easily be a contributing factor.

Also, foreplay. If his style is to just get right down to business, as you seem to be saying, maybe you just need a more caring approach. I know I do. It was my main complaint about my ex-boyfriend. He just wanted to take the clothes off and go straight to sex, 0-60 in 2 seconds. Well for a large portion of the population that method doesn't work. Don't be ashamed if you happen to be among them. Instead, be a little more picky about guys and insist on being with someone who is more attentive to you and can make you feel the way you deserve, before the actual act takes place.

[LONDONER]

Performance anxiety may be the underlying cause of your erectile dysfunction. It wouldn't hurt to see a Doctor about this situation,,, just to insure it's not caused by something else. The Doctor may recommend Viagra to temporarily get past the anxiety your having. Or he could recommend something else, depending on your situation.

Best wishes,
Jim

Cialis is so much better than Viagra. It works more quickly and lasts much, much longer.

[swimmer243]

Stop. Right there.

Yes he is a nice guy who want only sex. Yes you are attracted to him - but he only wants sex from you.

He said he wants a fuck buddy, not a relationship. If you want to be only a fuck buddy then go for it, if you are wanting more than don't sit there pining for him or hoping that time will change his mind. He won't.

I think he made it perfectly clear from the start what it is he wants and needs at this time. Do NOT think you can change that.

Yes you are having a problem getting a hardon because you little head is (and this is a very remarkable situation) thinking for you.

Your heart is not into this - you want/need more than 'just sex' - so wait until that right guy comes along who can (and will) give you more than just sex.


Most of sex takes place between the ears - and your emotions do not take place in the heart, they take place between the ears. You most likely need a nice guy, one who is into you and willing and able to commit to you. There is no shame in that.

When you are ready when you are with that one special guy who is able to 'make love' to you (not just sex) you will find that this wee erection problem will suddenly evaporate and totally go away.

This guy ain't the one. this guy is a fuck buddy, a friend who wants the benefit of sex without the attachments of love, relationship, shared rent expenses, marriage and all of that other stuff. He can't give you these things. Sorry.

Thanks for the reply. I definitely understand the points you're trying to make - it worried me a bit when I saw on his online profile that he was looking for a FWB because that's not really what I'm after. It did also say though that he was looking to date. We haven't explicitly talked about what either of us want but I'm thinking that discussion will need to happen sometime soon before I pursue anything further with him.

Based on what I know right now though I feel like I'm getting mixed signals. When I hang out with him I can't tell if he sees us as just two buddies hanging out or if he sees us as dating. I wouldn't be opposed to the idea of dating him because I am becoming more and more attracted to him, I'm just worried about him not seeing things the same way.