It affects me too, big time

[yoyoyo148]

Well this is a fucked up situation. I'd rather have very few friends who I can truly rely on than a millions of friends who don't even ask how I'm doing. So like on "Friends" I have really close friends I spent my whole time with. They're 10 and a few more of 'em. We're always around each other. We see each other as siblings. I love them all equally.
But there's one of them who must not be named(voldy much?) we've been friends for a few years and how we met is really interesting and memorable. 1 and a half years ago if I remember correctly he started giving me signals but I don't think he did it on purpose. It's always awkward between us and the rest of the guys feel it too. We never talk about it, they don't joke about it. He refuses to talk to me about his feeling. He's always tearful around me he tries his best to hide it. And I'm trying my best to watch his actions and see what his reactions are gonna be when I say stuff, anything. And I wanna know what's up I want him to come to me first. He has a dark personality he doesn't talk much he thinks a lot but laughs when we do, cries when we do. He doesn't like talking about his past but he's fucked up, man.
I wanna do something for him, something big. He's like my brother and I don't wanna upset him. I don't want it to be something that could make him think I'm into him, don't want to break his heart. But I want to show him that I care about him and it breaks my heart to see him like that. I want him to move on I'm just a useless kid who tries to make a joke out of everything, I'm nothing. I want to make him see that.
So, about that "something" I wanna do.. It can be a speech or anything... anything it's up to you. It'd mean a lot if you could help me out here. Usually I'm good at giving advices but.. I don't know what the hell I'm gonna do and every minute is killing me.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

I want him to come to me first.

I love him but.....

Look if he has a troubled past he most likely isn't ever going to talk about 'stuff'. I have dozens of people waiting for me to start the conversation on 'my issues' and 'what's on my mind'. If they are holding their collective breath I have a lot of funerals to attend shortly.

He refuses to talk to me about his feeling.

So what makes you think he is going to magically start talking?

He doesn't like talking about his past but he's fucked up, man.

Consider yourself lucky you know that much about him. Survivors don't talk about their shit. None of us want to discuss it. Period.

If he is a survivor he has learned coping skills, he has learned that keeping his fucking mouth shut is not a suggestion, it is mandatory - mandatory so he won't get hurt again. Mandatory because a lot of people won't 'get it' - mandatory because when push comes to shove 'normal people' don't understand and blindly go about pushing buttons, triggering triggers and all sorts of malevolent things which would be malicious, but few of them actually know what they are doing.

Silence is an art-form, one learned by survivors in order to, well survive.

Don't expect him to suddenly change course and try something else. As long as silence prevents more pain he is going to stick with that.

I want him to move on

There are somethings a person can't move on from. Sorry. Well actually there are lot of such things. We learn how to cope, we learn how to deal with it as it presents itself - get over it - not really, move on - most likely no.

Depending on the circumstances he might have PTSD or something along those lines. He might actually relive whatever that darkness is every night in his sleep. ne doesn't 'move on' from something that continues to haunt.

So I suggest:

1. You stop waiting for him to start the topic - ain't gonna happen.
2. Don't you ever dare tell him to move on, get over it, whatever you think can be done. Most likley he has tried and wants to dearly but is unable.

3. You have something to say to him then say it. Yeah he won't respond right away - sure he may shed a few tears immediately. Give him time to process whatever it is you said to him.

4. Don't force him to talk - that would be a very bad move and will send him packing and running as far from you as possible.

[nfisher1226]

I agree except on one point. Not all survivors are silent. Sometimes we share as a way of helping ourselves or others. That usually happens after a long period of silence, which plays into your point, but it can happen eventually and it's usually a positive thing when it does.

That said, I wouldn't try to pry anything from him. The most I'd do in a situation like that is just find a way to acknowledge something's not right while making it clear talking about it is not necessary - unless he wants to. And even that is tricky, sometimes impossible to get right. Basically, sometimes the elephant in the room doesn't need to be talked about openly. Sometimes it's just understood that for some reason there's a fucking elephant in the corner, but you're still going to be his friend by letting him pretend there's no fucking elephant. Sometimes that's actually a bigger test of a friendship. You have to show that you trust him to know if and when the time is right to talk about it. That can mean a lot to a person.