Lacitis70 Wrote:...
What I want to ask is - have you ever lost someone you loved, not necessarily a lover but just someone you cared about? How did you cope with it? Thanks for your answers already!
P.S. maybe my English is not that good, ask if you don't understand something.
Sorry I'm just now getting around to reading this. Your English is fine, by the way.
My first partner, David died of a brain tumor in 1997. He was 51 years old, I was 47 and we'd been together for 7 years. Fortunately, I did not have to endure the kind of family drama your husband's mother performed. In fact, his family was very supportive of me during this time. I really don't know what to say in terms of how I coped with it. It was very painful... but, at the same time... my life went on. It had to. I guess what I want to say is, I didn't try to "hold on" to him after he was gone. I could see that doing that was only going to cause me unnecessary grief and pain. I say "unnecessary" because I really don't believe he wanted me to suffer his passing. Miss him, of course. Wish he were still here, of course. But I don't obsess about it. Don't dwell on it. Still, it took some time. For me I'd say it took about 18 months or so before I really began to feel like I was on the other side of the grieving process. Perhaps for you it will take longer. It's a delicate thing. On one hand, we need to give ourselves permission to feel these deep feelings of loss. On the other hand there may come a point where they are self-indulgent in a way that is having a negative impact on our lives. It is so very personal, I don't think anyone can really say what is appropriate for another person.
I understand the trauma of having to identify his body. That is a horrible thing to have to live through. My version of it is that David didn't just "die". He became brain dead. That is, his body was still alive but his brain was no longer functioning. His breathing was controlled by machinery. So... I had to make the decision to have the ventilators removed and allowed to die. I had to be present during this procedure. In fact, I held him in my arms as it was done. So... that was hard and something I'll never forget.
These experiences are very real. They stick with us and become a part of us. So, although we grow and move on, they never really leave us. We have to just incorporate them into our sense of self, of "this is who I am."
I hope you're able to find peace and open more to your own life, even if it is without the man you love.
A long story about my biggest pain, venting and asking for advice at the same time
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