Boyfriend wants to make love, I don't......ever. Is it the most important thing?

[Anonymous]

I need some kind of advice from smart people. I'm 19 years old guy and I've feeling there's something wrong with me. I really dislike physical contact with people. I don't know why or when did it start. I don't have any physical or mental traumas, I've never been abused or something like that. I've the best family and I had a wonderful childhood. And still I don't like people touching me, even if it's in nice, friendly way. I don't like to be hugged or someone holding me. And nowadays, when everyone and everything is so sexy and everything is about sex, sometimes I feel like I'm some special kind of a human who doesn't belong in this world.

Then I met my boyfriend, he's 22, we're together for 7 months now. I'm starting to think I shouldn't have a relationship. First everything was nice, we had a wonderful time together and then he asked if I would like to make love with him. I gave him an indirect answer, I said I have to think about it. He knows I'm a virgin and he said that if I'm not ready yet, he'll wait as long as I need. I guess it's really unfair, but I don't know how to tell him I'll never be ready. I cannot imagine myself having sex with him or anyone else. I'm afraid he'll leave me if I tell him the truth.

I don't really understand why is sex so important to everyone. I love my boyfriend, I'm attracted to him and I care about him dearly. I would do a lot for him, but I don't want to get into his pants. When we're together he always wants to hold me and kiss me and I understand he means it in the most sincere and affectionate way, but I don't like it. Of course, I don't push him away, I tolerate his cuddling around me. Why is this physical expression of feelings so important for most people?

I've read about asexuality, maybe this is what happens to me? What should I do about having sex with him? I know he wants it very much and sometimes I think that maybe I should just clench my teeth and do it for him and then feel relieved when it'll be over.

Maybe I seem like a stupid little boy to you, but I don't understand these things. Why is everyone so obsessed with having sex?

[James]

I know several people who don't like to be touched, but are still great friends, no hugs, etc. Not everyone is in to sex either so that is something that is an individual's choice, by the way they feel about it. Your not stupid, I however, would discuss this with your boyfriend as it maybe something that he needs. If he moves on after the discussion, still not your fault, just your needs and his didn't mesh. Life is funny at times, you never know what will happen, James

[EvenOlderButWiser]

Sex is a basic human instinct, its not that we are all obsessed with it, its just comes with the territory (being human that is) Its also one of the most intimate ways of expressing your love for another human being, not in all cases of course, but certainly between partners in a loving monogamous relationship.
There is nothing wrong with you in not wanting to experience any form of physical contact, however there must be some psychological reason behind your outright rejection of normal physical contact, which of course spills over to not wanting intimate sexual contact either. Im not a psychologist, so I won't even try to diagnose whats going on there.

You do however need to have a serious talk with your b/f.

If you are unable to provide him with that basic human need for physical contact, then he will look elsewhere. That doesn't make him a horrible person, it makes him human. I will be honest with you and say that if you have been together 7 months, and there is no physical contact, then he either has the patience of a saint (in which case you should marry him right now) or he's fulfilling his physical needs elsewhere, but being as discrete as possible so as not to hurt your feelings. I assume that at 22 he has already experienced some physical interaction with another guy.

Have you had any discussion at all with him about how you feel? How would you feel about him getting that physical release with someone else if you can't provide it?

My gut feeling here is that while what James has said is true in some cases, Ive never heard of it occurring with someone in your age bracket - unless you've perhaps been brought up in a highly religious family, where any physical expression of love has been suppressed. I think you should try to get to the root of your emotional block if you want to move the relationship forward.

Just my view, others will be along shortly.

Good Luck!

ObW
X

[Bowyn Aerrow]

Get a psychologist/Therapist - NOT a psychiatrist who will throw pill in your direction.

Not wanting to be touched completely, no hugs, no cuddle goes beyond asexuality. You need to work with a therapist and figure out why it is you don't like to be touched.

[Anonymous]

So you think there's something wrong with me? My family is not religious, nothing has been ever forced upon my siblings and me. Everyone is very ok with my being gay, so I don't even have anything to hide.

I don't think my boyfriend is cheating on me. Ha has been with guys before, but all of his past relationships he was the one being cheated on. When we met, he said he almost doesn't believe in honesty anymore.

He's very caring about me, does everything he can to please me and I don't think he's making out with other guys. If he would, I probably wouldn't mind, because it's something I don't give him.

[nfisher1226]

I'll weigh in and say I don't think there's anything wrong with you, but it still might not hurt to see a counselor to talk things over.

Non interest in sex is just one of the variations in human sexuality. A rare one, but it does exist. But complete discomfort with being touched sounds like it could be a phobia or a mental block. This isn't like saying there's something wrong with you. It's pretty normal to not be pretty normal, if that makes sense. But it may do you some good in the long run to talk to a professional about it, especially in light of the fact that you're missing out on things that are generally considered a big part of human existence. And by that I mean sex, but not just sex. There's a lot of intimacy and physical contact that isn't sex.

Just don't come away from reading this thinking there's something wrong with you. That's not my message.

[southbiochem]

Being asexual is not weird, but I see your issues go a little beyond that in the fact that you don't even like mild affection...

Anything that makes you umcomfortable should be communicated to him...this can't go on long cause if you keep rejecting him he'll get mad probably and it will be worse..you have to take the risk

you should see a therapist, not cause there's something awfuly wrong with you, but because maybe there is an underlying issue that you don't know you have

[Bowyn Aerrow]

So you think there's something wrong with me? My family is not religious, nothing has been ever forced upon my siblings and me. Everyone is very ok with my being gay, so I don't even have anything to hide.

I don't think my boyfriend is cheating on me. Ha has been with guys before, but all of his past relationships he was the one being cheated on. When we met, he said he almost doesn't believe in honesty anymore.

He's very caring about me, does everything he can to please me and I don't think he's making out with other guys. If he would, I probably wouldn't mind, because it's something I don't give him.

Yes there is something wrong with you. Lacking any desire of human contact is wrong for a human being.

And still I don't like people touching me, even if it's in nice, friendly way. I don't like to be hugged or someone holding me.

When we're together he always wants to hold me and kiss me and I understand he means it in the most sincere and affectionate way, but I don't like it.

I would understand if you just didn't want strangers touching you, I would understand if you weren't all huggy with friends and 'tolerate it' when they insist.

I am that way myself - for me its due to excessive abuses, severe neglect and if the stories my aunt and uncle told about my infancy are truthful I was pretty much isolated in a crib most of the time complete with diapers that were in severe need of changing. I was denied touch as an infant, thus have 'touch issues' as an adult.

But - I crave touch - I lay in bed most nights hugging my pillow tightly wishing for a mate to hold on to. When I have a mate I am all over that person - insisting on snuggling on the couch to watch TV - constantly finding reasons for random contact - putting my hand on their shoulder, hugging them, and in bed good luck trying to get away - I tend to wrap myself around my mate in my sleep.

However for you this "I hate touching" goes well beyond mere friends - this is your mate, your partner, your other half and you barely tolerate his desire - nay, NEED for cuddling. Nothing you said indicates that you have a healthy desire for touch.

Of course, I don't push him away, I tolerate his cuddling around me.

A healthy human being responds well to physical touch - no not sex, casual touch, hugging, snuggling, cuddling. You are not responding well and you sadly don't even understand the need. If anything you seem to be stymied in some area, something has been shut off in you or you would have a basic understanding of 'there is a need for touch because I want to touch my partner'.

Why is this physical expression of feelings so important for most people?

Humans require touch in order to be fully happy creatures. Petting, caressing, hugs, just putting a hand on your shoulder results in the release of 'happy chemicals' in the human brain and makes a human happy.

http://www.pickthebrain.com/blog/6-reaso...e-touched/
http://www.livestrong.com/article/186495...man-touch/

Many other sites if you start to Google it: https://www.google.com/#q=humans+need+for+touch


What is your problem? I don't know. I still suggest you get a therapist and work on this. Its ok to not be touchy feely to a point - its ok to not want just anyone to hug you, or to shake hands with every human being you met. But there needs to be physical contact with your partner, and you need to have a certain degree of not mere tolerance but desire to have your partner touching you and to touch your partner.

With that lacking you are being stymied in having a rich, fulfilling intimate relationship. You are being denied something profoundly deep within your relationship.

I'm not stressing the sex part of this (no doubt your lack of desire for touch is the root of your lack of desire for sex), its the 'I tolerate his cuddling' that disturbs me and screams 'Something is dreadfully wrong here'.

[yoyoyo148]

You don't need to label yourself if you don't like it you don't like it and you should know that there is nothing wrong with the way you are. Is there a rule that says we all should be obsessed with having any physical contact? I don't know about your relationship so I can't say much. I think if you haven't yet, get him to talk to you about it, give him all the information he needs to know about your situation, tell him about every little thing. Discuss it. Couples who talk to each other a lot, knowing how to listen to each other build a strong connection and trust, even more. You guys will find a way around.