Hey everyone just looking for some guidance. My boyfriend of 1 1/2 years is somewhat of a social light. He like to socialize and especially likes to go to pride. Me I'm more of an introvert and like to by by myself or with him. My boyfriend knows this and has tried to accommodate me, even though i did not go to last years pride in our own city and he was very disappointed. I live in Canada, Nova Scotia to be exact, and world pride is coming up this summer in Toronto, Canada. I am wondering if anyone would have an idea of how to tell him I don't want to go to world pride? I don't want to hurt him and i don't want him to say something like "well if your not going neither am I" Some of the reasons I don't want to go is that large groups give me anxiety attacks, so i can't be in crowds or in a small room with lots of people, and most of the time he will be there he will be with his friend from Toronto and i will be like a 3rd wheel and I can't handle that on top of everything else. I know he wants me to go and have a good time but i can't have a good time in a place like that, and sadly he knows this and still has asked me and is assuming that i am coming. Any advice would be appreciated!
Thanks so much!
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Tell him that.
What might be tripping him up is that he's hearing at some level that you "won't go with HIM" (as opposed to "won't go at all"). So make it clear this is about your not mixing with crowds well and you can't have good times in them, but if you COULD have a good time then it would be with him and no one else. And it's okay if he enjoys social events like that just as it's okay that you can't. Tell him what you'll be doing instead, something you enjoy (so he won't feel bad about leaving you behind just as you don't want him to feel bad for going), and wish him a good time and maybe to bring you something back.
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This is an issue you'll have to "Agree to disagree" on. It's something that's a difference of opinion, and NEITHER OF YOU ARE WRONG, so it doesn't matter at all. Just simply say that you do not want to go to pride --- but you want him to go because it's something he wants, and plan a subsequent holiday together to make up for an event you weren't able to go to with him.
I'm probably in the same boat, if it makes a difference. My boyfriend has a christian family that wouldn't like him going to a pride, and he personally doesn't like gays that are "in your face". I know he's thinking of the sterotype pride parade gay when he says that expression, so I know he wouldn't want to go. My mindset is: Too bad, I'm going to a pride someday. I know he won't want to go and that's okay.
It's just a preference for what I like and what he likes, and when we respect that it prevents like 80% of our arguments, so I will continue to do this.
Something I might suggest -- I know it's weird -- is maybe even showing this forum thread to him, and telling him how much this is eating at you. Chances are he'll be hurt that you've been so worried, and the agreeing to disagree option will be something that will make you both feel relieved.
Whatever you choose --- I wish you the best of luck. That your boyfriend wants you to come is a sign that he cares about you and wants you near him, and so I'm sure that he will be motivated to work through this...
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Welcome to GS, Catlover--
This may seem an odd idea, but how would it be if you go with your bf to Toronto but don't go to Pride? Let him go to the parades and the crowds while you go to museums, galleries, or whatever you like. A city like Toronto has lots of options to explore. Spend the evenings together for dinner, movies, snuggling, whatever. If you're clear that you don't want to do the crowds, you might be able to make something like this work. Hopefully he loves you and can compromise so it works for you.
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Tell him maybe??
I think people should decide for themselves and not be brought into a situation where they can't speak for themselves in a relationship. You don't have to do shit. It doesn't mean that you don't care about him or love him it just means that you have respect for yourself.. He should be understanding about it. Social anxiety is not something to underestimate. Seriously people don't get it. And you shouldn't pressure a person who is suffering from it. It's been 1 and a half years you should be able to talk to him about all this. If he thinks like that and you think like this you guys will have problems such as not understanding each other and taking your steps back not clarifying stuff.
When you feel that your partner doesn't want you to do anything you don't want to and these words come out of them, then you know you are valuable to them.
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geminize has it a nut shell - im sure you want to be with your bf but not out in the loudness of it all - he knows your personality - so why would he insist on the full blown pride event - its funny really - if you insited on a full week of staying indoors just with you (not saying you would) would he freak out at that ,,??!!!! hes out going and your more reserved - opposites attract as they say
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