A lil bit confused.
11-16-2013, 11:17 AM
Well .... it's a bit ... uh ... just read it if you want to .. 
)
There will be certain details I can't give because I simply forgot what changed my attitude in the past or the way I felt.
I don't know exactly when It began ... but I know that I had that attraction for men. I remember when I was 14-15-16 probably .. heck , who knows ... that I had a friend with which I used to stay on a bench outside , late in summer time ... we watched the sky , talked about games and other stuff ... I think I was sort of attracted to him as well ... I can't say I remember all I felt exactly.
After some time ... when I was in high school ... there was this certain bench mate I had that was from a rural area .... I didn't like his personality or anything he was far too , ergh , aggressive I think ? .... but he was kinda touching me a bit too much ... and I began fantasizing over him or .. more like his body I suppose .... not sure what to tell.
In those years after I began thinking I was asexual ... and I truly think I felt nothing in those years ... but I can't say for sure , maybe there were some thoughts that made me feel that way ... I remember I felt disappointment in people (I still feel and will feel that as long as injustice for people and animals still exists in mass) ? Maybe even life ? (I'm really the guy that thinks a lot everything ) I can't tell. During 3rd and 4th year ... I totally had a crush on this girl from my class that I felt was different from the rest of everything else and I totally wanted to be with her. However I always felt nothing sexually for her and I couldn't even think of doing it with her. Not even kissing her (Can't say I understand kisses even now). I was extremely shy back then ... and I tried to get her attention ... I'm not sure if she observed it ... I'm not sure if she thought we only wanted to be friends in the end ... but giving the fact that there was no next step to do in that direction for me ... it could be safe to assume it wasn't exactly her fault. However I felt really disappointed in her and thought of her as a different book only by cover after that.
This was the point when I was totally upset with humanity ... I then caught up with an older passion I had and probably had to suppress due to what my friends would have thought about it. Horses. Though I felt really good when I tried to get along with a draft male horse (his testicles were still intact so he could have been more danger to someone new like me) ... he was totally sweet , I felt the much needed protected state because of his size .. however I couldn't return that favor because his living conditions were really bad and I couldn't reason with those humans there not even to try to help. Felt really good for his head to be on my belly once and to massage him and his cheeks a little while he was breathing relaxed on me. It was horses that brought me to the realization that I have to change my eating habits and stop eating carelessly every living being which I have no need of in my system (and so I became vegan). So I have to thank them for that. Though I also came to notice that our "natural" worlds are somehow different and it isn't exactly fair for them to be domesticated. Especially for a guy that thinks much about what's fair and equal -- during that time I tried to evade every video of them in their normal state in nature (though I wanted to know how to communicate with them the best way) because deep inside I knew that was their only way to truly be happy , to be themselves ... now I know I was very selfish to purposely ignore that.
Right now I think I do like men .... after I've watched some furry comics that truly made me warm in the inside .... (comics are ISO , dog days of summer and Fur-Piled) ... however ... I'm sort of puzzled right now when I think of the past and everything that happened so far. So .... what do you think about all this ?
Not to mention that I have no idea what to do next ....
Sorry for putting you through such a long (maybe boring) reading.
)There will be certain details I can't give because I simply forgot what changed my attitude in the past or the way I felt.
I don't know exactly when It began ... but I know that I had that attraction for men. I remember when I was 14-15-16 probably .. heck , who knows ... that I had a friend with which I used to stay on a bench outside , late in summer time ... we watched the sky , talked about games and other stuff ... I think I was sort of attracted to him as well ... I can't say I remember all I felt exactly.
After some time ... when I was in high school ... there was this certain bench mate I had that was from a rural area .... I didn't like his personality or anything he was far too , ergh , aggressive I think ? .... but he was kinda touching me a bit too much ... and I began fantasizing over him or .. more like his body I suppose .... not sure what to tell.
In those years after I began thinking I was asexual ... and I truly think I felt nothing in those years ... but I can't say for sure , maybe there were some thoughts that made me feel that way ... I remember I felt disappointment in people (I still feel and will feel that as long as injustice for people and animals still exists in mass) ? Maybe even life ? (I'm really the guy that thinks a lot everything ) I can't tell. During 3rd and 4th year ... I totally had a crush on this girl from my class that I felt was different from the rest of everything else and I totally wanted to be with her. However I always felt nothing sexually for her and I couldn't even think of doing it with her. Not even kissing her (Can't say I understand kisses even now). I was extremely shy back then ... and I tried to get her attention ... I'm not sure if she observed it ... I'm not sure if she thought we only wanted to be friends in the end ... but giving the fact that there was no next step to do in that direction for me ... it could be safe to assume it wasn't exactly her fault. However I felt really disappointed in her and thought of her as a different book only by cover after that.
This was the point when I was totally upset with humanity ... I then caught up with an older passion I had and probably had to suppress due to what my friends would have thought about it. Horses. Though I felt really good when I tried to get along with a draft male horse (his testicles were still intact so he could have been more danger to someone new like me) ... he was totally sweet , I felt the much needed protected state because of his size .. however I couldn't return that favor because his living conditions were really bad and I couldn't reason with those humans there not even to try to help. Felt really good for his head to be on my belly once and to massage him and his cheeks a little while he was breathing relaxed on me. It was horses that brought me to the realization that I have to change my eating habits and stop eating carelessly every living being which I have no need of in my system (and so I became vegan). So I have to thank them for that. Though I also came to notice that our "natural" worlds are somehow different and it isn't exactly fair for them to be domesticated. Especially for a guy that thinks much about what's fair and equal -- during that time I tried to evade every video of them in their normal state in nature (though I wanted to know how to communicate with them the best way) because deep inside I knew that was their only way to truly be happy , to be themselves ... now I know I was very selfish to purposely ignore that.
Right now I think I do like men .... after I've watched some furry comics that truly made me warm in the inside .... (comics are ISO , dog days of summer and Fur-Piled) ... however ... I'm sort of puzzled right now when I think of the past and everything that happened so far. So .... what do you think about all this ?
Not to mention that I have no idea what to do next ....
Sorry for putting you through such a long (maybe boring) reading.
![[-]](https://gayspeak.com/images/duende_v3_local/collapse.png)
mile:
