I cannot understand the way I feel

[HumbleTangerine]

I was going to post anonymously, but you need 50 posts for that. Then I remembered that this is the fucking internet, so my planned caution wasn't even all that necessary.

Basically, there's this guy I'm seeing. In some way he's probably the reason why I left this forum and returned, even if I can't really explain why. We haven't defined what we have as a relationship, or each other as boyfriends, but our situation and the rules of faithfulness we've established make our connection more or less a relationship. He's not out to anyone, refuses to meet me in public and his family is very homophobic. I'm out to almost everyone, and I don't mind coming out to the rest.

For reasons that should be obvious, I really want him to come out. I've been wanting to give him an ultimatum of "If you want a relationship with me, you have to come out to everyone" and then add that I'll support him, give him the time he needs etc. Do you think such an ultimatum is selfish? I'm hesitating because there's no guarantee it'll even last that long. I know I like this guy, a lot, and I look forward to meeting him every time. It's just that I can never understand the way I feel until after a decision has been made. I'm scared that I'll make him come out for the sake of our relationship only to realize a few months later that I want to end things. Thoughts?

[NayNay]

Tricky situation here indeed.

I believe you need to think about what is best for you. You cannot go into this relationship thinking "oh he will come out eventually"... he wont. The more comfortable you make it for him to be in a relationship while being in the closet... the more likely it may be that he stays in the closet for a while.

I know every case is different, but my ex is not out to his family. You would think that it is not a big issue, since he is out to everyone else... but it becomes an issue. Special occassions your not able to share together because he has to be with his family, choosing his family over you. You will also become in the closet if you continue the relationship with him. Whenever I went over to my ex s place, I always had to hide my things incase his parents would stop by.

All this to say, you need to do what is best for you. Explain to him that you cannot be in a relationship with someone who is in the closet, even though you like him so much. It may only hurt you even more in the long run if you decide to give it a chance.

If you explain it this way, that you cannot be in a relationship with someone in the closet, it puts less pressure on him to come out. Let him be the one to decide whether or not he wants to come out for you.

I know it s a tough thing to deal with, but that is my suggestion

[James]

Realize that it is hard to be in that situation, however, respecting his right to stay "closeted" says more than trying to force him out. Also cause I havn't got to know you yet, are you self supporting, at home with parents, on the streets, these questions pertain to you both. Care enough about him to respect his wishes on this matter, and maybe his background on his upbring in a homophobic household.
Take care of yourself also when asking if you would want to wait, move on, etc. But also are you his emotional lifeline, Jim

[HumbleTangerine]

Darkenedshadow, my plan was never to just accept him being closeted forever and enter a relationship with him. I realize that I can't force him to come out, but it's either that or ending whatever it is that we have at the moment. I won't ever be in a relationship with anyone if their personal circumstances force us to constantly hide and make up excuses in front of friends and family to see each other.

James, we both live at home and will do so for another 8 months.

[Geminize]

Tricky situation here indeed.
All this to say, you need to do what is best for you. Explain to him that you cannot be in a relationship with someone who is in the closet, even though you like him so much. It may only hurt you even more in the long run if you decide to give it a chance.

If you explain it this way, that you cannot be in a relationship with someone in the closet, it puts less pressure on him to come out. Let him be the one to decide whether or not he wants to come out for you.

I totally agree with this ^. You can tell him what you want without making it a demand. Ultimatums have no place in a healthy relationship. They are manipulative and inconsiderate. If he is not willing to come out now and you are not satisfied with a relationship you can't share openly, then YOU can choose to end it. Making an ultimatum is just a way to blame someone else for your choice.

Both of your positions are understandable. He is probably scared of his family's reaction to him being gay. You want to enjoy being together anywhere. Tell him what you want, without making demands. If it means that much to you, you can tell him you really like him but you just can't be in a secret relationship. If coming out is too scary for him, then this relationship will not work for you at this point. Drop the ultimatum and communicate about your needs and desires.

I'm sorry you're in such a frustrating situation. Good luck figuring it out. Oh, and welcome back!

[southbiochem]

Yes....it's a little selfish, considering he has a very homophobic household and that can get him in a lot of problems...even if he had a good environment coming out is a personal decision and not something you force people into, and certainly not with an ultimatum....quite in fact, no ultimatum of any kind can be good in any healthy relationship

I'm assuming he's as young as you and still within such household, and as such it may take him a while to come out, maybe when he's away from that familiy and being able to self-sustain.

I will say, though, that it's good this thing you're doing: being honest with yourself.

Cause, there's nothing wrong with you wanting an open and carefree relationship, not one thing wrong about it at all

But I'm afraid that you'll have to either look for that with someone else who is out, or analyze whether you like this guy enough or if he's worth the wait...if he is, then be patient. You know whether you can do this or not..

Anyway, best of luck Swedish boy...glad to have you back here (not that I ever get to meet you before, but still) mile:

[EvenOlderButWiser]

If you play the ultimatum card, you better be prepared to loose him as a bf and friend.

Forcing him out the closet could cost him his family if they are as homophobic as you indicate. Do you really want to be responsible for that?

He'll come out in his own time, when he feels he's ready to do so. If its that big an issue to you, then perhaps its time to find a new bf?

Good luck.

ObW
X

[MisterTinkles]

You can force someone to do something they really are not ready for......but you know what?
They will resent you for it. Whether they say anything about it or not, there will always be resentment there.

If he isnt ready to be spreading his private life all over in public or online, then you should not even be thinking about it.

So you are inconvenienced right now. You are not being a very good friend by trying to rush him into something that would do more harm than good.

If it bugs you, it bugs you. Dont bug him about it. He has to work his life out for himself, thats the only way he can come to terms with himself, his own issues, and his own problems. Dont force anything on him, and dont force him to do or say anything. Thats just being a bad friend.

If you want to help him, then help HIM. Help him find the answers he needs to his questions. Help him find resolutions to problems he has or thinks he has. Help HIM find HIS way through this. And if he is not ready for it, then dont push him into it.

A GOOD friend will stand behind you, support you, and catch you when you fall.

[Jovial]

Please don't force him out when he is not ready with your ultimatum. He could lose everything, including it would seem, you. Not everyone is going to get the same level of acceptance.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

And this is why out guys with a little relationship time under their belt swear off of closeted fellows for relationships. So now you have your bisexual who ends up cheating on you with a girlfriend to go through to get the idea why gay men are down on dating bisexuals and.... Oh well I will save the rest as surprises - everyone loves surprises.:eek:

Lets say he approaches you one day and insists that the relationship will end if you don't get back into the closet immediately. How would that make you feel?

He will feel similar if you make this 'ultimatum'. Its an untenable situation.

Now this isn't to say we can't have compromise in this situation.

You can tell him that you are tired of being in hiding and want to do 'just guy' type things together in public. you all don't have to call each other dear/hun/babe or what ever other terms of endearment you have. Don't have to kiss, hold hands or get to making the two backed beast in public. But yes, there should be some hang time together in public - see a movie, go to dinner as 'just two guys'.

He gives a little and you give a little. He gives by spending time with you in public - perhaps not as a couple but as best buddies/friends whatever. You give by not insisting he comes out to everyone.

If he can spend time with you in public - maybe not around friends and family - someplace off the grid to those people, a new place full of strangers to acclimate to being public with a boy friend it may be a positive enough experience to help nudge him down the road toward acceptance and coming out sooner.

The thing you have on your side is time. I take it he is young like you - eventually he will grow the confidence he needs in order to face and confront all of the people who he is afraid to tell. If left to his own devices, with a little calm, compassion and understanding from you, he will eventually reach the point where he will want to peek his head out of the closet.

You can either be a supportive person, and offer to be there backing him up and giving him the much needed shoulder to cry on when HE decides to come out, or you can become yet one more tyrant and terror and start dictating him to do things he isn't ready to do leaving him no one, absolutely positively no one to cry to when shit hits the fan (as its going to do).

Coming out is a process, it is a different process for each individual. I don't know what your coming out experience was like. Was there a time where you were terrified of people finding out? IF so think back to those days and try to imagine being force to come out, or worse, try to imagine how you would react and feel if someone dragged you out of your closet kicking and screaming when it was the last thing you wanted to do.

We in the LGBT community have an unwritten, unspoken rule. We do NOT out others. We may be a mixed up, bigoted, jaded bunch of queens but we have enough compassion and understanding left to draw this unseen line in the sand. This is the one place no queen goes.