I don't believe that you should give him the ultimatum. I was in the closet to my family for some time and I had healthy relationships without being out. However, I think that if you really care for someone you wouldn't want to hide it you would want to tell everyone, and I think that applies to all couples not just gay couples. So when I met the guy I like now I knew that if I ever stood a chance with him and was ever that lucky then I needed to come out because I wouldn't want to hide such a great guy. I say all that to say this. Don't give the ultimatum but if he cares about you a lot then he would want people to know.
![[-]](https://gayspeak.com/images/duende_v3_local/collapse.png)
•
Ugh, it appears my definition of "ultimatum" is incorrect or something, what with all the people reacting so strongly towards it. What I meant was "is it selfish to tell him I won't be in a relationship with him unless he comes out?". Thanks for all the answers! 
Just to illustrate why him being closeted is a problem to begin with, a few days ago we were in a sort of cuddling position in a park. I asked him "aren't you afraid of anyone seeing us?". He went all cheesy and said "I don't care if the entire world sees"... then some random man walking his dog appeared and he pushed me away so quickly I hit my head on the bench...
Yet another few days ago when we actually got access to his apartment he forced me to leave all of a sudden because his mother had sent him a text announcing her return. He just threw all my stuff at me almost violently and said "sorry about this, but get out NOW".
I refuse to have any of the aforementioned things happen again.
•
Quote: What I meant was "is it selfish to tell him I won't be in a relationship with him unless he comes out?". Thanks for all the answers!  mile:
Yes it is.
I cannot impress upon you the full need to compromise with the needs of your partner. you are about ten years from fully understanding this need in relationships. This isn't a bad thing, its a problem that kids your age all have to struggle through - life is a learning experience and around age 30 this episode in your life becomes clearer.
Quote:Just to illustrate why him being closeted is a problem to begin with, a few days ago we were in a sort of cuddling position in a park. I asked him "aren't you afraid of anyone seeing us?". He went all cheesy and said "I don't care if the entire world sees"... then some random man walking his dog appeared and he pushed me away so quickly I hit my head on the bench...
You fail to understand male pride... He desires much to be the man you want him to be. He most likely desires this more than you. But he is unable. Time will teach him much - trust me on that, time will indeed teach him how to be the man you need/want.
Tangerine, I honestly wish I could hand you my experiences, my time here on planet earth. IF you have those you would suddenly see that he is trying to be that which you want, and you would also feel a great pity for his inability to be the man he desires to be for you.
Please, please don't be too hard on him. He tries. He is only human and is merely a man. He his weak, the spirit is willing and wanting, the flesh and the ability is weak.
I honestly hope that you can be patient and wait this out with love and compassion. If this is the only problem I assure you time, yes even if it is a decade will bring solution. This issue is curable with time and only time.
•
You guys said it all but.. Man... Sometimes even tho you are okay with yourself and know that nothings wrong with you and all, you can change your mind. Your parents are the closest to you and you're around them all the time. He knows that his parents are homophobes and he's probably like "if my own parents think like that what will others do, say, think??" and he probably thinks that everybody is gonna react badly. It's kinda like believing you're successful, beatiful and smart but only one person thinks and says the opposite and hates on you, you slowly start to believe them and all this becomes what you think of yourself?
Even tho your parents are conscious about it and they are gay friendly, it's still hard to come out, mostly. It's all about telling them. So you do the math. He's going through a rough phase doesn't know what he's doing if you like this guy stand by him, your thoughts on your future have nothing to do with it. Live in the moment, go for him see what happens, don't overthink. Are relationships about showing off? What happens if people know about your relationship? Does it really hurt to keep it as a secret? There's only you and him, what happens happens between the two of you. Things might change, I say you be there to help it change and witness it. Good luck, wish you and him the best.
•
Just to put things into some perspective for you. My partner and I are both out, have been for a while. All our friends, family and work colleagues know.
Despite all that, he would never hold my hand in public, never mind have a cuddle on a park bench lol.
Strangely though, the only exception is when we fly. He's so scared of flying that he wraps himself around me in terror, regardless of who's watching 
My point is, just because you out him, you still may not get what you want.
ObW
X
•
Some of the replies are confusing me quite a lot, but it must be due to my inability to fully explain.
I don't see him being closeted as a problem because I can't hold his hand in public. I don't care about that at all. But the feeling of being thrown away as soon as even a stranger arrives, or to be forced to leave a building with almost no clothes on is humiliating. What do you mean "he just wants to be a man for you?".
A few days ago I was verbally harrassed for something related to my sexuality as it seems a rumour has gotten out. When I told him about it he said "I wish I could have been there to defend you" but it's so painfully obvious that we would have ignored it because he'd do anything to avoid suspicion...
•
He has his own apartment.
This leads me to believe he is somewhat financially secure.
This means his mother cannot do anything to hurt him in the most acute way; homelessness.
As for his inability to do public displays of affection -- it's likely he will never care for them but, given time, he will be fine to display affection in front of friends. This is how I've progressed personally anyway.
If you support him, and you show him that your support is a constant in his life, you may see him change --- you may see him become more confident and caring. That takes a lot. I know how hard it is to decide if a relationship is right for you, and I know that sometimes you realize you don't want one.
But with a closeted individual, if he's really who you want, you're going to need to treat the relationship like it's something special and meaningful, or like it's nothing at all. If you want to change his life, you'll need to consistently be there to support him.
Your situation is easier in that he seems to be in charge of his own finances. Because of that, his mom can damage him emotionally, but she won't be able to have him on the streets, so to speak. So if he becomes confident that you'll last, he'll be more likely to tell his mother about you... Also*** Try to have some mutual friends, it will help him if he can be around people who he knows know he's with you, and are okay with it.
•
That is difficult, i mean you want him to come out but your not sure if later down the line you may want to end things, though you could say that at any time, even if you,ve been together 10 years, after all, it happens.
Hmm, a relationship like this isnt very fulfilling in the long run, you should least be able to go out, even if appearing as good friends.
Maybe talk more, find out if he really ever wants to come out, i think an ultimatum should be a last resort, it may cause more problems.
•
Show him how great things are on your side of the fence whilst remaining patient with him.
You were there once, we all where.
•
I would tell him how hurt you feel by his actions. I don't think they are acceptable but may be they are understandable. Maybe you could agree some 'ground rules' for the future.
•
|
