Boyfriend says he will kill himself if we break up - what to do?

[Anonymous]

I’m in a hard situation and I would like to know your views on this. I've a boyfriend, we’re together for 7 years now and unfortunately our relationships are falling apart. During the last year, we started to argue very often, he doesn’t trust me anymore. All the time he’s blaming me for some lover he thinks I have, that I’m cheating on him, just because I’ve good and friendly relationships with my job colleagues. I’ve never cheated on him, although I’ve had a lot of chances.

We’re two different types of people, I’m open and outgoing, I like to meet new people, make new friends. He’s quite introvert, he likes to spend his free time at home and aside from his family, doesn't have a lot of friends. We’re different, but somehow we fit together all this time and we had loving relationships. Now everything has changed completely, he behaves as if I would belong to him and his constant jealousy is pushing us further and further apart. I can tell him whatever I want, he doesn't believe me.

When I told him that perhaps it would be better for both of us to break up, we had a really big argument. He’s totally against it and when he realized I’m serious, he said he will commit suicide if I leave him. He asked me to give us one more chance, he said that he’ll change and I have to be there to help him. I thought that maybe he’s right and we can fix our relationships still. But after a while everything started again – insults, jealousy, disbelief. He even cut himself when I wanted to leave. I got scared at first, but when I looked at his arms later, I realized that these were just a few scratches, nothing deep, nothing serious. It made me think that he just wanted to scare me and never wanted really hurt himself.

Every time I want to break up, he says he’ll kill himself then, because he doesn't want to live without me. I realize that he’s just manipulating with me and that most probably he’ll not hurt himself, but what if he does? I don’t want to feel responsible for his death for the rest of my life. On the other hand his behavior is really strange. He doesn't want to respect me and he doesn't want to let me go. He says I’m a cheater and liar. If that’s what he thinks of me, if I’m so bad in his eyes, why does he want to be together with me still? He should be happy to get rid of such a bad boyfriend.

I feel that I don’t love him anymore and these relationships are torturing me. I've thought about that maybe I should just leave, change my phone number and just forget about him. But what if he does kill himself? I will feel guilty all my life.

[Ekwarph]

I think sometimes, you need to learn how to be selfish...well...err...I mean "a bit more" selfish"...if you suffer in this relationship, I think breaking is the only solution...else you would suffer for a long time.

The guy tells you if you leave him, he would kill himself...he's effectively probably just blackmailing you...well...I'm not telling he doesn't suffer...but it's not your role to help him.

It's hard to say but you're his (future-ex) boyfriend not his psychiatrist. Think about yourself before him, and if he prevents you to be happy, just have a new life...

[yoyoyo148]

Don't you dare leave him. You guys have been together for 7 years. It's not something to underestimate and it's clearly not something you can easily end. He needs you. Look I don't know you, don't know how you feel, what your thoughts are but I'm sure that you still love him. I think all of this is confusing you and making you feel complex feelings. You know him, I don't. He's inclined to get jealous easily, he's worried. That's because he loves you way too much. He's f***** up. Love f***s you up. I know that people say love is not just about lust, it shouldn't make you jealous, it has to include trust but it depends. Some people seem very in love and some have been together with their partners for years and years but at some point, they cheat on each other and they lie, do unbelievable things and break up(I'm not saying you did or will). This world is no use... Some people wear masks and they wear 'em good! You said it, he isn't very outgoing and he sounds real shy. Who knows what kind of scenarios he creates. It's not always because he doesn't trust you or anything. That's the way he's like. He hurts himself, it's really not something to ignore. He loves you more than anyone in this world and you guys have a bond you should never EVER leave him. Get him to talk to you. Tell him that he needs to do you this one little favor and listen to you without saying a word if he truly loves you. Tell him what has been going on in your life, about your friends and everything. The way you feel about him, what he means to you. But sometimes words really don't do so much so make him FEEL it. He's special, he needs it. This is very important. Don't leave him, like this. Get him to hang out with you outside, with your friends around. Tell your friends how much he means to you. Make him feel special. Get all the suicidal thoughts out of his mind. You loved him, I'm sure you still do. 7 years... you owe him that much. If someone loves you this much, you hold on to them as tight as possible. Give it another shot.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

I strongly suggest you go to the local hospital, if he has medical insurance then go to the hospital where he is covered, and talk to a mental health staff member of the psychologist brand (not psychiatry) and bring up this self cutting and this threat of committing suicide.

Most likely these threats will be taken very seriously and they will seek to commit his happy ass in the mental health ward. Cutting, even if it is merely a scratch is taken very seriously. Threats of suicide coupled with cutting (even mere scratches) is taken doubly seriously.

They will commit him for observation. In California it is a mandatory 72 hour hold. Other places have different lengths. Discuss with the psychologist.

Once that is done you go home, back your crap and leave him.

This takes your 'owing' out of his actions. You will have done everything you can possibly do as a civilian to prevent his self-murder/self-harm.

This is in reality all you can really do to help him. Your staying with him is not helping, if anything its making him worse, sicker.

If he wants to hurt himself there is nothing short of you tying him down in 4-5 point restraint to prevent him from harming himself - or worse - harming others. You are not medically trained in doing that, and its illegal in all 50 states (at the very least) to tie someone down without their permission. Its considered kidnapping I believe.

So you need to turn this over to the professionals.

Now if you want to be cruel about it, forget speaking to a psychologist and speak to a psychiatrist. A psychologist will think about commitment before doing it, a psychiatrist will commit and start the patient on a plethora of heavy duty psych medications.

[Vigilias]

He says he'll kill himself if you leave him and sometimes he self harms when you try. He's manipulating you.

He and only he is responsible for his own life and what happens to his body when he takes sharp objects and draws them over his skin - not you.

If a relationship has truly run its course, painful though it may be for one of the partners, it's best it ends. You'll only end up hating him.

It sounds like he needs some sort of emotional support, perhaps from a mental health professional, but that's not your responsibility either.

What is your responsibility is to your self and your own emotional well-being. Sometimes we just have to do what is unpleasant for the longer term good.

I hope it all goes well for you.

Good luck!

[Bowyn Aerrow]

Don't you dare leave him. You guys have been together for 7 years. It's not something to underestimate and it's clearly not something you can easily end. He needs you. Look I don't know you, don't know how you feel, what your thoughts are but I'm sure that you still love him. I think all of this is confusing you and making you feel complex feelings. You know him, I don't. He's inclined to get jealous easily, he's worried. That's because he loves you way too much. He's f***** up. Love f***s you up. I know that people say love is not just about lust, it shouldn't make you jealous, it has to include trust but it depends. Some people seem very in love and some have been together with their partners for years and years but at some point, they cheat on each other and they lie, do unbelievable things and break up(I'm not saying you did or will). This world is no use... Some people wear masks and they wear 'em good! You said it, he isn't very outgoing and he sounds real shy. Who knows what kind of scenarios he creates. It's not always because he doesn't trust you or anything. That's the way he's like. He hurts himself, it's really not something to ignore. He loves you more than anyone in this world and you guys have a bond you should never EVER leave him. Get him to talk to you. Tell him that he needs to do you this one little favor and listen to you without saying a word if he truly loves you. Tell him what has been going on in your life, about your friends and everything. The way you feel about him, what he means to you. But sometimes words really don't do so much so make him FEEL it. He's special, he needs it. This is very important. Don't leave him, like this. Get him to hang out with you outside, with your friends around. Tell your friends how much he means to you. Make him feel special. Get all the suicidal thoughts out of his mind. You loved him, I'm sure you still do. 7 years... you owe him that much. If someone loves you this much, you hold on to them as tight as possible. Give it another shot.

Awww - a hopeless romantic.... How cute - sad, but cute.

[KingOfSnakes20]

I hate to sound cold and I'm not trying to sound like a dick so please don't take me the wrong way. However, I have been in a situation similar to yours before and the best thing for you to do is to leave him. If you stay with him, in a unhealthy relationship, then it will start to effect you negatively. I highly doubt that he will commit suicide, I think that he is using that as a prop to keep you around. DON'T FALL FOR IT. Remember, you have to look out for your sanity and happiness.

I wish you the best!

[Ekwarph]

, a psychiatrist will commit and start the patient on a plethora of heavy duty psych medications.

Only if the psychiatrist judges that it is necessary, no?

I don't see what is cruel in suggesting to see a psychiatrist...at least, if there's a problem it will be taken more seriously and he will be the more able to act, no?

[Bowyn Aerrow]

Only if the psychiatrist judges that it is necessary, no?

I don't see what is cruel in suggesting to see a psychiatrist...at least, if there's a problem it will be taken more seriously and he will be the more able to act, no?

I won't pretend I have the slightest clue how mental health works in France, I do know from personal experiences in the mental health area not only for my own health issues but with other's health issues, American Psychiatrists will spend 10-15 minutes with a patient and immediately start writing prescriptions.

With mental health institutionalization, psychiatrists are heavy handed and think everything requires institutionalization.

Psychologists who do not come with the attending M.D. thus are not legally able to prescribe medications, here in the states, tend to be softer and less prone to push for institutionalizing the patient and they actually try to work with the patient and not immediately declare every situation an 'emergency'.

[Anonymous]

Well, I guess I have to say that I don't live in America and in my country nothing happens without patient's agreement. Unless, of course, the person is so mentally ill that he/she is really threatening and harming other people, no doctor will do anything, as it is the patient's choice that has to be respected. If the patient refuses, no one has the right to force him to receive medical help. And I don't think my boyfriend will agree to see a psychiatrist.