Bowyn Aerrow Wrote:I won't pretend I have the slightest clue how mental health works in France, I do know from personal experiences in the mental health area not only for my own health issues but with other's health issues, American Psychiatrists will spend 10-15 minutes with a patient and immediately start writing prescriptions.
With mental health institutionalization, psychiatrists are heavy handed and think everything requires institutionalization.
Psychologists who do not come with the attending M.D. thus are not legally able to prescribe medications, here in the states, tend to be softer and less prone to push for institutionalizing the patient and they actually try to work with the patient and not immediately declare every situation an 'emergency'.
You're probably right, and it might be quite the same in France (well, we're the biggest consumers of anxiolytics and other "mental" drugs" so maybe that's why I made this shortcut...but it's not the subject).
But when one talks about making suicide, it is a depressive state, so it's an emergency, no?
I might talk without understanding, but I don't think it's enough to talk one hour with a random guy who will make pay hundreds of dollars to tell that one's not in a very good mood (sure I exagerate but you get the idea).
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Im afraid your falling into that classic situation where one side of the relationship is manipulating the other in order to get what they want. In this case he's using the threat of suicide and self harm to bully you into staying. This is actually abuse by another name.
The fact that you have capitulated to these threats twice now has given him a clear sign of the power he holds over you, and this cycle will simple repeat whenever he feels that he is losing control of the relationship.
Do you have anyone close on your side that you can confide in and talk about whats happening? A trusted friend, or close family member? Talking face to face to someone about a relationship thats going wrong is not an easy thing to do, but in this case I think you need to, if nothing else to get some support for yourself in all of this.
If your not entangled financially (house, bank account, possessions etc.) then you should start planning your exit strategy, including where your going to go and changing your contact details.
Oh and this has nothing to do with being in a gay relationship. This is a classic abusive relationship that many straight couples end up in that usually results in physical violence of some sort.
You need to look after yourself in all of this. You could try relationship counselling, for yourself only. That way you can learn how to deal with the abuse, and make the break as cleanly as possible.
You deserve better.
Good Luck.
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Take care of yourself and your needs first or you won't be able to take care of anyone else, that said, I do agree with Bowyn Aerrow on how to proceed, a phycologist with experiance in these matters would be the best course of action, James
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What I have learned about people who threaten to kill themselves is that they want control over you.
Complete and total control.
I dont know where you live, but in the USA, if someone threatens to kill themselves, you can turn them in to the local mental health department. In some cases they can be taken to a mental institution.
I had a friend who (unbeknownst to me at the time) played the martyr to her family all the time (and still does). When she doesnt get her way, she throws a crying fit and threatens to kill herself.
So her family always gave in to her demands.
That is, until I came along.
Her sister was married and had her own life, and my friend was super jealous of this. My friend still lived with her father and her son. Her father was in his 60's and still working. My friend spent all of his paychecks on crap, garbage, expensive restaurants, and cigarettes. She had her father believing that she was paying ALL of the bills and putting the rest in the bank. He made three times their bills, so there was more than enough money left out of his paychecks to save a large bundle.
Anyway, this is the type of person she was and still is. Although now that I explained what was going on to the family, and her sister, its all changed. Her threats of self annihilation and destruction no longer work on their family members. She's even been told "go ahead, do it".
And of course she doesnt.
I told her (now my ex-friends) sister that both she and her father have the right to call the state on her and have her committed as a violent threat to herself. Although they have not called the state, they have told her this much.
Now, none of her threats work on anyone. They all know her tactics, her lies, and her head games.
She's living her own life, screwing up her own life, in her own way. She's done this to herself.
All because she had to try and control everyone and everything when she did not get her way.....and threatened to kill herself.
If he wants to kill himself, tell him you will call the local police and report to them that he is a threat to himself and possibly others. Tell him you will call a mental institution on him. You can play these games too....but YOU have to play them to win. Dont fall for the threats, the fake tears, the temper tantrums or anything else they throw at you. Otherwise they are still controlling you.
You might try having him go to a psychologist to see if that will help. But you have to look out for you. Most of these types are all "huff and puff", but every rare once in a while, you come across one that is willing to do harm to themselves. And if they are willing to do harm to themselves, they are willing to do harm to others to get what they want.
Dont take that chance.
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Get out. Get out fast!
I completely disagree with Yoyoyo. It doesn't matter how long you have been together. His behavior is toxic to the relationship and to your well-being. If you can encourage him to seek help, great, do that. It sounds like he depends only on you for friendship and social interactions. That's not healthy for him or you, and it doesn't make you responsible for his choices.
Of course it would be terrible if you end the relationship and he actually takes his own life. You are not responsible for his actions, however, and as others have said, I doubt he is serious. I suggest you first find out what sort of counseling or mental health support is available, pack your belongings, and leave him with the resources you found. Whether he uses them or not is his choice.
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This is a very tough situation. I do feel for you. It must be tough trying to figure out what the right thing is to do.
Alright well here comes a few confessions from myself, that may help you with this situation. I once had an ex where I told him I was going to kill myself because he broke up with me. I felt like nothing was worth living anymore. At the time, I believed that I would do it because I could not see a future without him. It was a way to tell myself, we will be together, because there is no way I will let myself kill myself, and there is no way my love of my life would let me do it either.
I was very obsessive at the time as well. Texting him, wondering what he was doing, internet stalking him. At the time I thought my actions were healthy, because of the state of mind I was in.
If you truly intend to break things up, which I think you need to do for your own health, then you need to be clear and honest with him. You cannot let him think for a moment that there may be hope of getting back together, that one day it may work out again. It sounds to me that he has relied on you too much. You cannot let him make you stay at home all the time and not live the life you want to live.
When that ex years ago finally stopped contacting me, it was hell for me. I had to deal with all these inner emotions I never wanted to deal with, because I became comfortable with the fact that I had a relationship and did not feel like I needed to confront my other issues. I thought having a bf fixed everything for me. But it didnt. This was only after we had a 4 month relationship... so it didnt last that long.
It doesnt matter how long the relashionship has been.... 1 month or 7 years or 20 years. If someone is threatening to kill themselves over a break up, it means that there is something mentally wrong with them. Perhaps it is even something physical about his body. Whatever it is, he needs to start fixing his problem, and I do not think that he will be able to fix it if your in the picture. Especially if he says that he will not go see a phyciatrist. This is him probably telling himself that he only needs you. This is not healthy. He needs help, he needs to realize it for himself, and you need to be out of his life in order for him to realize this.
You need to be out of his life for yourself, to be happy, to figure yourself out. This is not something you want to continue to have in your life.
That is my thought on the situation. Of course everyone s situation is different, no one can truly understand the relationship you have with him better than yourself.
I hope you do what is right for you. I wish you and your bf the best.
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If you don't leave him you may regret that far more.
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You said it yourself : you know he's manipulating you and that he won't do anything..
how about contacting the guys family or some close aquaintance about his "suicide threats"?
Make a call to some help-line if you can and inform a proper authority about his impending threat...
then, walk away...don't even say anything...walk away and never look back...
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Leave him immediately and that isn't advice, it is a warning . You are dying inside by letting yourself fall victim to emotional blackmail
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Leave this guy now before things get even worse. He's a psycho.... Well, totally either need to notice that you don't belong to him and learn to trust people better. He's also threatening you to stay with him, that's not what a lover should be doing. IF you don;t love him anymore, break it up. I think it's more cruel to make someone live in a false happy livelihood than to give the horrible truth and make the guy realize he needs to change his ways. If he doesn't trust you, then what the hell is the point of him staying with you, he's totally objectifying you and not treating you as a person then! If you need someone to keep an eye on him, tell his family or tell someone that's close to him. The family may hate you for it, but it's better than giving up all your happiness for someone whoe doesn't seem to care about YOU.
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