We're both "straight" so far.. I need advice bad please!

[isodontknow]

Okay, I have a huge problem that's killing me inside. I'm going to try to make it so as not to bore the hell out of you guys, but this is really important to me, and I'd like to fully thank whoever can offer me some good advice.

The background..

I'm am a 21 year old male. I have known that I'm bi for a long time now - at least since I was 15. I've never told anyone, except one of my best friends when I was 16. Out of respect, he never told anyone, but our relationship went downhill after that. So long story short, I am very closeted. And I do have relationships with girls so noone even suspects me (I dont think)..

My best friend..

I have known this guy for about 3 years now. He's become my best friend. He always there for me to turn to when I need something in a second and vice versa. We've both been through hard times (family probs, drug abuse, and more) so we relate to each other on alot of the shit we both go through daily.

Basically we're so alike it's insane. We can almost know what each other is thinking sometimes. So here's the statement of the day: If I met a girl that I had this sort of relationship with, she'd be like the perfect chick without a doubt.

And admittedly, I am attracted to him. On more than a physical level too. He is a good looking guy so he gets girls. But, he never ever sustains a relationship and doesn't seem very interested in doing so anytime soon.

Where it gets interesting..

Over the past month or so we have been extremely close. Part of it is, because we are both recovering crack addicts (He and I used to smoke almost everyday), so when we decided to quit we kind of started to lean on each other, which is when we started getting REALLY closer (closer than we'd been). (just as a side note: we are 3 weeks strong and have no plans of ever starting again, by the grace of God.)

Over the past month or so..

So as I mentioned, over the past month we have been hanging out a lot. We hang out almost daily. Either he's at my house or I'm at his house, just watching tv and stuff. Then one of us will leave and go home like around 12 usually.

Then from there over the past week or so, we've found ourself texting each other almost all night. Nothing sexuality oriented, nothing "gay", just normal buddy chat. But it's weird, like there is tension there.

Like just last night he dropped me off and I was about to get out, and he said, I'll probably text you in a little bit (note, we just hung out for 4 hours). Then he made some comment (i forget) in which I responded, yea but we never run out of things to talk about. His response was I know, like we're boyfriend and girlfriend or something (I just laughed it off). But he's made a similar comment like that before (not as direct as that though).

So up to tonight..

We were textin last night and trying to figure out what we going to do today. Between texts, we both sent the same text at the same time, basically to the effect of we should rent a movie and relax tonite (just the two of us). Again, back to the point of the same exact thoughts we have is down-right scary sometime.

So in a little bit I'm going to his house and we're going to watch a movie or something.

So, finally, my real question..

I like him a lot. I like him physically (he's a hotty), and his personality and how so ensync we are with each other is nothing like I've experienced in any relationship with any chick before. So here's a couple questions for you guys.

1. Does it sound like our relationship is out of the norm of a normal heterosexual, best friends type relationship?

2. Do you think he's trying to send me any signals, or can you let me know some signals to look out for.

3. If it turns out I get enough balls to actually ask him, what, how, where do I even start. Please don't tell me, just ask.. that's not going to fly because I have sense he is very protective of his sexuality if it does in fact turn out that he's not, I don't want to lose my best friend. (plus, remember I am in the closet myself, and being exposed in my small town wouldn't be good)

4. How can I send subtle signals to him that maybe he'd be feel comfortable responding to without feeling over-whelmed by the situation. That way he could give a return signal without fully committing, you know?

5. Honestly, just in your personal opinion, from the situation I explained above.. Do you think that we are in fact homosexuals who just haven't had the guts to admit it to each other yet?

6. If someday we do establish that we are attracted to each other, is the best way to take it slow? What do you do next. I mean he's my best friend and just jumpin into bed sexually with him right off the bat seems weird to say the least.


I mean this would be a huge step for us both. I just want to do it right, and if there's nothing there, I just want to make sure I at least keep him as my best friend.

As long as he's around, we both have someone to talk to. Someone who would do ANYTHING for the other in a second. I'm so confused right now. So many emotions are running through me that I've never felt before.

Please help me guys. Please, Please help me out.

THANK YOU - THANK YOU,

Isodontknow

[princealbertofb]

It seems to me that the reason why you are so close is because you have been through difficult times together and that may be altering your judgement a bit at the moment. Still, you say you are closeted but do you need to be with him? You seem to trust him really a lot, so before you say anything about your feelings for him why don't you just mention that you might swing both ways... Maybe he is also wondering the same things about you, and maybe he's waiting for you to make the first step. It seems to me that you are the most eager for something to start, or to say something to him, so do it.

Your situation somehow reminds me of the partnership between those two men in Brokeback Mountain, but unless some day you just fall into each other's arms, without a word, nothing's going to happen, so you might say something about your past experience. You sense he's not going to talk openly about his sexuality but what's to stop you being open about it? It may pave the way, or he might then just mention that he's only batting for one team. Or again, he might say that he'd be interested in trying something different that he hasn't tried before. If you've both been through hard times together why do you suspect that he might tell on your secret if you told him? Or maybe you do trust him not to tell. After all you can always ask him to keep it to himself, even if he IS straight, can't you? What's the likelihood that he'll go blabbing to the whole community? Is he very religious and therefore likely to reject you?

I'd personally not mention my attraction to him just yet, just try to see if he could lean that way or not, but you'll have to make that first step or else this might go on indefinitely.
I hope this reading helps.
Regards, PA

[isodontknow]

It seems to me that the reason why you are so close is because you have been through difficult times together and that may be altering your judgement a bit at the moment.

Okay, Prince I didn't really follow what you meant here. Basically what I deduct (and no offence), Is that our closeness is based solely on getting through hard times together and nothing further? Again, I could be completely wrong - please explain, I'm very curious.

Still, you say you are closeted but do you need to be with him? You seem to trust him really a lot, so before you say anything about your feelings for him why don't you just mention that you might swing both ways... Maybe he is also wondering the same things about you, and maybe he's waiting for you to make the first step. It seems to me that you are the most eager for something to start, or to say something to him, so do it.

[COLOR="#NAVY"]I trust him. I've thought about telling him and have been very close to just blurting out in a certain conversation we had. For example one I asked him, if I was gay would you still hang with me. He said he would, and he don't have a problem with gay people as long as they don't "over do" it (basically meaning just act straight - you cant tell im bi at all)..[/COLOR]

As far as maybe he's wating for you a sign, I tried to address that with my previous question: How can I send subtle signals to him that maybe he'd be feel comfortable responding to without feeling over-whelmed by the situation. That way he could give a return signal without fully committing, you know?

Your situation somehow reminds me of the partnership between those two men in Brokeback Mountain, but unless some day you just fall into each other's arms, without a word, nothing's going to happen, so you might say something about your past experience. You sense he's not going to talk openly about his sexuality but what's to stop you being open about it?

[COLOR="NAVYBLUE"]Nice comparison, haha. Who knows if that moment would every happen or not. As far as me telling him that I am bi, I'd rather not.

1)Possible complete rejection (unlikely but it could).. 2) Possible lost of my best friend in this world who I would want to continue being friends with no matter what level it is - gay or straight.[/COLOR]

It may pave the way, or he might then just mention that he's only batting for one team. Or again, he might say that he'd be interested in trying something different that he hasn't tried before. If you've both been through hard times together why do you suspect that he might tell on your secret if you told him? Or maybe you do trust him not to tell. After all you can always ask him to keep it to himself, even if he IS straight, can't you? What's the likelihood that he'll go blabbing to the whole community? Is he very religious and therefore likely to reject you?

If I were to tell him, he would never think twice about telling anyone. That's the kind of person he is. My only fear is complete rejection from him. I have a suspicion (parly from behaviors explained above) that he in fact, feels the same. And no he's not religious at all.

I'd personally not mention my attraction to him just yet, just try to see if he could lean that way or not, but you'll have to make that first step or else this might go on indefinitely.
I hope this reading helps.
Regards, PA

[Shadow]

Hey babe ...

My take on your points in turn is :-

1. Does it sound like our relationship is out of the norm of a normal heterosexual, best friends type relationship?

No no, not at all - I have similar relationships with both my best mates, and they are straight, so it's not at all uncommon I'm sure - that's why you're best mates .

2. Do you think he's trying to send me any signals, or can you let me know some signals to look out for.

His signals would come as gestures ... you can take the amount of time you guys have been spending together as a pretty surefire indication that he's very comfortable in your company, and so the groundwork is there for a relationship (be it a strong friendship, a best friends-style relationship or, if the situation is right for both of you and you are both of the same sexual inclination) perhaps more.

So it's a case of reading what he's doing, what he's conveying to you, how he's going about doing it - the mix of these things are what to look out for. When he suggests you spend time together, does he seem nervous ? Shy ? Does he seem really relaxed ? Nonchalant ? That kinda thing.

3. If it turns out I get enough balls to actually ask him, what, how, where do I even start. Please don't tell me, just ask.. that's not going to fly because I have sense he is very protective of his sexuality if it does in fact turn out that he's not, I don't want to lose my best friend. (plus, remember I am in the closet myself, and being exposed in my small town wouldn't be good)

I've been in a very similar situation myself ... with one of my best mates whom I fell for BIG time as it happens - I decided to go for the halfway house and come out to him, and then see whether he wanted to volunteer any information about himself as a result ... turns out he is straight and I was wrong, but at least I didn't have to play the other card and say "and by the way I'm absolutely head over heels in love with you", as I really do think he would have borked at it, and I would have lost him forever.

4. How can I send subtle signals to him that maybe he'd be feel comfortable responding to without feeling over-whelmed by the situation. That way he could give a return signal without fully committing, you know?

I think it's a case of seeing (and appreciating) that if he DOESN'T feel the same way, you may find yourself becoming happy and/or contented on various levels with his company, but it will very much be a case of wanting for more, and it not coming - at least not in the quantity and manner you so desire .

5. Honestly, just in your personal opinion, from the situation I explained above.. Do you think that we are in fact homosexuals who just haven't had the guts to admit it to each other yet?

I am completely unable to say. You yourself describe yourself as bisexual, so I'm assuming from that that, in addition to your going with girls to keep people from thinking you're gay, you actually do find girls/women sexually attractive ? And at 21, whilst the vast majority of people are kinda set in terms of their likes and dislikes, it is not AT ALL uncommon for people to still be experimenting with things, finding out what they like and dislike, and so on ... and so it's possible that he IS on a bit of a voyage of discovery and/or uncertainty himself.

HOWEVER, what I WILL say for this situation is that you have grown together on a large number of common fronts - you've got a lot of things that serve to keep you tight (your history with drugs, and other things that you have alluded to), so it is VERY very important not to read too much into what could be a more caring and mutually supportive relationship than a romantic one ... I would advocate caution, and treading carefully xx

6. If someday we do establish that we are attracted to each other, is the best way to take it slow? What do you do next. I mean he's my best friend and just jumpin into bed sexually with him right off the bat seems weird to say the least.

Oh absolutely. I think if you do ultimately wind up confirming your attraction to each other, then it's best to have the utmost respect for that love and cherish each moment together ... so don't rush - make everything special ... however, see my answer to 5) above - I really don't mean to rain on your parade, but I cannot say for sure (obviously) how things will turn out in this matter ...

I think that, as long as you have a clear respect in your own mind for your EXISTING relationship with this lad, you won't be minded to potentially jeopardise that which is so solid, on the basis of what might be, and THAT will keep your choices and actions largely grounded.

Hope that helps a bit ...

.

xx

!?!?! Shadow !?!?!

[isodontknow]

It seems to me that the reason why you are so close is because you have been through difficult times together and that may be altering your judgement a bit at the moment.

I'm not sure what you mean by this. Are you saying that there's nothing there and the only reason were close is because we've been through a lot together?

Still, you say you are closeted but do you need to be with him? You seem to trust him really a lot, so before you say anything about your feelings for him why don't you just mention that you might swing both ways... Maybe he is also wondering the same things about you, and maybe he's waiting for you to make the first step. It seems to me that you are the most eager for something to start, or to say something to him, so do it.

Honestly, I don't know what he'd do if I told him. That's what scares the hell out of me. Remember, I've already told one person who I trusted and they left me. Losing Rob isn't an option. What's an easy way to break it to him?

You sense he's not going to talk openly about his sexuality but what's to stop you being open about it? It may pave the way, or he might then just mention that he's only batting for one team. Or again, he might say that he'd be interested in trying something different that he hasn't tried before. If you've both been through hard times together why do you suspect that he might tell on your secret if you told him?

Yea, this is good advice. I have no reason to believe that he'd tell anyone, but you never know. People can turn on you like that if they are feeling uncomfortable.

The relationship between us is very close. We pretty much hang out everyday,and then when were not hanging out were texting. For the past 4-5 nights we've texted for nearly 5 hours on end. I turn to him for everythign, and vice versa.

It's not so much I'm afraid of him blabbing to the world (which I don't think he would). I'm afraid of losing him.

I'd personally not mention my attraction to him just yet, just try to see if he could lean that way or not, but you'll have to make that first step or else this might go on indefinitely.

Again, this brings me back to one of my original questions.. How do I get an idea if he does "lean that way" without just straight out asking him?

--------------

Oh by the way, here's the update from 'movie night' last night. We basically just laid on his bed (not touching or anything) and talked throughout the movie (barely watched it)..

What you guys think?