I don't want to have sex with my love....

[Anonymous]

Usually I'm not used to share my problems with other people, but since there's possibility to do it anonymously, I'll do it.

So I've a boyfriend, we're together for 7 months now. I'm 20 years old, he's 23 and he's also my first boyfriend. Our relationships are great, except for the sexual thing. We started to have sex after 3 months of being together. I was virgin before him although he doesn't know it, because he's quite experienced and I didn't want to look like a fool by telling him I'm a virgin. I've never had high sex drive, but I believed it would change once I meet someone I love. Seems that I was wrong. Shame is the only thing I feel when I'm in bed with my boyfriend. I'm shy and being naked in his arms makes me feel like a whore. I've always been ashamed of my body, I don't consider myself handsome and I don't really understand how can he like it, sometimes I even think he must be imagining someone else instead of me. Yes, I probably have low self-esteem, but it's hard for me to believe he could really get turned on by me.

My boyfriend is pretty passionate and every time he wants to have sex, I almost tell him I don't want to, but then I don't. I think that we're a couple and if you love someone you should care for his needs more than your own. I also don't want to risk that he might start cheating if he won't get that from me, so I don't say anything and just let him get what he wants. Every time he asks do I like this or that and I say that I do, because what else can I say. He is always very careful and gentle with me, and still he could do nothing that would feel good to me, because I guess I don't like sex in itself.

I've thought about breaking up, but I don't want to lose him. He's very dear to me and I've never met person like him before. If I tell him I don't like to make love with him, he might be very hurt and offended. He's really good boyfriend, caring and sweet, but when I have to go to the bed with him, I would give up everything just to not do it. Am I asexual?

[matty7]

only just gonna make a quick pont here in my reply - I was tottaly on board with your answers as were all different but then your last 3 words were am I asexual ?? is that something you've already thought about ?ill leave at that if im wrong mate, but your partner is doing all he can to help from what you have written

[Ryocchi]

I'm not an expert, but i think it all comes from your self-esteem issues, you do not find yourself attractive, You don't enjoy sex because you're always dissecting it mentally, like how could he be turned on by me? I'm not handsome!, and maybe you consider yourself a whore because again by your self-esteem problems you don't consider yourself worthy of being made love, I think you need to talk with a therapist, that way you can know for sure if you're asexual or not and work on your problems, you deserve to enjoy love.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

Relationships fail over stuff like this - no not your not wanting sex, you unwillingness to talk and tell truths.

You and the BF need to have a sit down, a heart to heart. Then you need to get a therapist and work on any potential issues that may reside inside of you.

Shame for what? And how on earth do you know what a whore feels like?

These are not typical symptoms of asexuality, asexual feel nothing when it comes to sex. Lack of interest in sex without out guilt/shame "feeling" like a whore would point far more strongly toward asexuality.

These could be signs of sexual anorexia - which as the name implies, means starving yourself but over sex not food. SA is usually related to things like a past of sexual abuse, being raised in a very strict (conservative) household where sex is shameful or a thing of guilt (sin).

Fear of talking about your lack of sex also points at sexual hangups. Were you abused in ANY way growing up? If so that could be the issue - it doesn't' have to be sexual abuse, other forms of abuse can lead to misplaced guilt in other areas of life.

there are several other issues that could be at play. This is why I suggest therapy.

[southbiochem]

I was virgin before him although he doesn't know it........Shame is the only thing I feel when I'm in bed with my boyfriend. I'm shy and being naked in his arms makes me feel like a whore. I've always been ashamed of my body, I don't consider myself handsome........

That there is your problem, not asexuality...

you have major self-esteem issues, and you're relating sex to shame and your poor self-perception..so you'll never want to do it..

to overcome this , you'll need psychogical help and therapy, to improve the perception you have and feel like you're worth it..

I will point out the obvious...if he wants sex with you and is caring and gentle with you..then he wants YOU...you are worth to be loved and cared for...but since you have the issues I doubt you'll take my word for it..

I'm particularly concerned about " i feel like a whore"...there's a major psychological problem there..some traumatism, maybe from childhood...you need to adress that with therapy..that's why I suggested it..

breaking up on account to this is a big no...

let's say you do and you move on to someone else...you're just going to transfer all these current issues into this new relationship...you're going to keep doing the same with anyone because of your low self-esteem..

so, have a sitdown with the BF and be honest...don't leave him blind sighted

tell him what you're going through..he will want to pitch in in trying to help you with it..

open you mouth, sweetie, ask for help..

it's the only way you can have happiness and enjoy a relationship

best of lucks mile:

[Eros]

@OP, why don't you just tell him that? they say that communication is major in a relationship, and if you really love him you shouldn't be hiding this stuff, if he loves you back he'll try to come up with something to fix everything, right? :3

[Anonymous]

No, I have not been abused in any way. I had a wonderful family and wonderful people around me. I also wouldn't say they were very strict.....but the topic of sex never has been discussed in my family. I guess my parents thought I don't need them to educate me about this side of life.

Why I don't tell it to my boyfriend? Because I'm afraid he'll take my silence for lying to him and I don't want to lose him. Perhaps there are some things that you don't like but have to do for relationship.

[southbiochem]

No, I have not been abused in any way.

Why I don't tell it to my boyfriend? Because I'm afraid he'll take my silence for lying to him and I don't want to lose him. Perhaps there are some things that you don't like but have to do for relationship.

I don't think anyone suggested abuse..

Scary as it is to think you might lose him, it will be worse if you stay quiet about it..

eventually it will come to light as you won't be able to always hide it..

and then the damage will be worse..

I encourage you to be honest with him, if you keep things from him, you're dooming the relationship anyway

[Bowyn Aerrow]

I said abuse - and abuse is not a broad spectrum catch-all phrase, from verbal, through emotional/mental to physical forms of abuse.


Not talking about sex and other emotional stuff is typical for recent generations of boys/males. Girls get all of the psychological support/talk, etc from parents and society, boys are automatically condemned with such things as being reminded to wear a condom, or don't go out and make me a 'grandmother' as one mother would always tell her teen son.

Sitting down and having 'the chat' happens far less now days than back in my day. Well with boys. Girls on the other hand with woman's liberation, the free love revolution get lectures, talks and far more open honest discussion about saftey and what to expect.

This counts against you. Unfortunately you spent most of your life in the internet Generation which has lead to most males your age being educated by Google instead of parents when it comes to sex.


Anyway. I think the concensess here is to talk to your partner, have a real heart to heart. He needs to know you needs, he needs to know you are a virgin (were when you met him). He needs to know that sex is uncomfortable for you. Then you two need to discuss getting you a therapist to root out the underlying cause of your distress here.

[Eros]

Why I don't tell it to my boyfriend? Because I'm afraid he'll take my silence for lying to him and I don't want to lose him. Perhaps there are some things that you don't like but have to do for relationship.

It's called a relationship for something, if he can't deal with that, then he might not be the right one.

But that's just my opinion :b