As some of you may remember, I'm in a relationship with a guy who's a few years younger than I am (16). Everything's been great, except for the fact that his parents obviously still have a lot of control over him, and it’s starting to really bug me.
He's not allowed to stay over at my apartment (at all), and when I stay over at his house, I can't sleep in the same room with him. I have to sleep in the guest room. We've been together for four months now, yet we have only spent a single night together (which was in secret).
I understand that they want to be careful and protective, but they're taking this too far. I mean, he's 16, not 12. Not to mention the fact that we can easily do stuff during the day as well! I think they're being really unreasonable and naive.
You'd think not being able to sleep together wouldn't be such an issue, but the truth is it really is. It's annoying when we've been watching a movie cuddled up on the couch (which his parents don't mind at all), and then we have to say goodnight and both go to different rooms. It just makes absolutely no sense. We're boyfriends for a reason; we wanna spend time together.
And it's not just this issue. He's also not allowed to go out clubbing with me, but he IS allowed to go out clubbing with his friends (showing that it has nothing to do with the under 21 thing). What the hell do they think I'm gonna do? Get him drunk and rape him in a dark lane?  It's not even about the clubbing; I rarely do go clubbing. It's about the ridiculousness of their rules.
His parents are driving me insane. They've approved of the relationship, they seem to like me, I haven't done anything to betray their trust; we've stuck to their rules, we've been open and honest about everything.. what more can I do!?
As you guys can probably tell, this is very, very frustrating for me (and for my boyfriend as well). I don't feel like I'm asking for anything unreasonable. How can we have a normal relationship if we can barely spend time together with no one else around. I know he's younger than me so he still has rules to follow, but Jesus.. he's not a damn child.
I'm not exactly sure what I'm asking here. If anything, I needed to vent! It would also be nice to hear what you guys would do if you were in my situation. I don't know whether or not I should try and bring this up to his parents.. I don't want them to get the wrong idea.
:mad: 
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I hear how frustrated you feel, Evan. I also understand (somewhat) his parents' perspective. I have a 16 year old son, and I think I would be wary of him dating someone 8 years older, male or female. This only comes from the role of protecting him, not that there is anything wrong with dating someone 8 years apart. It would just take me time to get to know and trust that person. 4 months? Maybe. That is a significant difference at his age, and a lot depends on his maturity, your personality, and his relationship with his parents.
I think you are doing the right thing by being responsible and going with their rules (and sneaking a night together in when you can -- who wouldn't?). It may be frustrating to wait until they are ready to ease up (hopefully before his 18th birthday), but it sends a message that they want to hear, and may get you what you want sooner.
Most likely there are 3 things going on for them.
- It's hard for most parents to realize their child is ready for a sexual relationship (just like you don't want to think about your parents having sex).
- With the age difference, they may be worried that your relationship won't last and he will get hurt emotionally. That happens to most of us anyway.
- They may have a subconcious knee-jerk reaction that they have to prevent him from getting someone pregnant before he's an adult. Obviously, this is not a concern in your case.
So as a father of a couple teenagers, I suggest you stay the course for now. Maybe you could ask his parents some leading questions sometime like, "Do you feel differently about me now than when we were first introduced?" or, "Does your son seem happy being with me?" Ask when you're doing the dishes at their house, or otherwise helping them out.
Geez! I feel like I'm betraying the Brethren of Parents. Don't let it out that I suggested that... but I hope it helps! For what it's worth -- if my son was dating, you sound like the kind of guy I'd want him to be seeing.
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If you're in the United States then you should be glad they're so tolerant, and I'd say that if you were straight and the 16-year-old a girl. They're being a lot more tolerant than most caring parents would be. I have a 16-year-old and the chances of me letting her date someone in his 20s (or going clubbing) is virtually nil.
As for how naive they are it's true that you could circumvent the rules in place but parents do like to think their kids do care for their values and rules and don't break them lightly (and hopefully showing signs of guilt when they do which some do and some don't, depends on the teen). To remove these restrictions is from their PoV is to give carte blanche for their 16-year-old to have sex which they likely want to minimize at the very least. Sure, it's easy to get around that but get into the habit of it and sooner or later you will be caught and the relationship will likely be over...and you may find yourself facing criminal charges. Just because they approve of the relationship with cuddling doesn't mean they approve of anything more than that.
Still, if they let him go clubbing and I were them then I'd want him to go clubbing with someone I trust to look out for him which would be you. I don't understand what they're thinking there.
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i think you should just wait it out. what did you expect?
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Hi Evan
That is frustrating, though in a way its kinda nice and old-fashioned, it sounds nice to me. I think you can just be patient, have some more secret nights together. What they dont know cant hurt them.
But he is 16 and the law is what it is, i dont know if speaking to his parents will achieve anything. They seem to have set the rules and can kind of understand them. Though it could be worse with them being homophobic and volatile. They like you, which is good.
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I can see it from the parents view. If I have a 16 year old in my mind they are still only a child they have a lot of growing up to do mentally and physically. And If I'm the parent they are my child that I have to protect at all costs. I think you should be happy that they let you stay over. Prove your good intentions to them!
There is a HUGE like I don't mean big I mean HUGE age difference between a 16yo and a 24yo.
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Hi Evan:
I have to echo most of the posts on your thread (and i'm the father of a 23 year old son so i have a unique perspective.)
Ok, a few things to ponder (and yea, they might be tough to accept, but consider them):
1) As another poster said, you should COUNT YOUR BLESSINGS that your BFs parents even ALLOW the relationship to proceed. He IS a minor and you're an adult. So, the bottom line is, if you "push" the issue for more alone time with him, they could END the whole thing by forbidding their son to see you and THEN threaten to call the police! This happens alot more often than you think, so really, you should appreciate the freedom you DO have with him.
2) As i'm sure you can appreciate, parents have the ultimate responsibility to raise and protect their children. And to that end, I feel they are trying to be supportive but also feel that boundaries are critical and remember, trust is earned. If you try to push your luck, it could all come crashing down because his parents will feel that you BOTH broke their trust.
3) Fair warning! IF you have sex with your BF and you and/or he does NOT have his parents consent, you risk A LOT OF TROUBLE! I mean - being arrested for sexual assault on a minor and being branded a sexual predator - FOR LIFE! Imagine trying to get a job and having to disclose that to an employer or a college. Imagine seeing your face and name on a sexual predator website - and all your friends and neighbors will see and read what you were arrested for! Depending on which state you live, until he reaches the "age of consent" you'd best keep your pecker in your pants!
4) YOU ARE BOTH YOUNG! Yea, i know you're impatient to spend more time with him, but if there's one thing you have alot of - it's TIME!
My advice? Continue to respect and deepen the trust your BFs parents have with you. Let them know how much you appreciate the fact that they respect your new relationship! They are looking to YOU to be mature and earn greater trust and respect. Take advantage of this and work hard every day to continue to earn that trust and respect!
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Ok, a few things. Let me start with what you CAN do
Adressing the issue directly will not solve anything, but rather create more antagonism towards you..
what you can do, is set an example..win them over by letting them know who you are.
let them see that you're a guy with the best interest of your BF in mind, that you're a mature, responsible, caring guy, and eventually they'll warm up to you and see you not for how old you are (compared to the BF) but for the asset you are as a BF
I understand why you would be mad, it's frustrating...
however, I will say there's a big difference bewteen 24 and 16...major difference...
If I was a parent I would even have trouble with a 20 year old..
16 is not 12, yes, but It's still too young for a 20+..it's a bit unsettling for them
Not to mention illegal in a lot of places (don’t know about Indiana)
As long as he lives with them, of course, he lives by their rules
so, naturally, there's an antagonism towards you that will be inevitable...it stems fron parenting..it has nothing to do with you
Now, since I hardly think you to be the creepy older dude, and you actually care about this guy, then, again, win them over by being you, they'll end up liking you for your good traits
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I dont really let my parents know and even my family who i date or who I am with, but on your situation I think the parents still has a say on the relationship because the guy is just 16. If the guy was like 21 plus, i would wonder, but it is not the situation. I understand your situation though since it is really frustrating when you wanna spend your time with someone but there are certain restrictions. I do think Parents are really like that, quite controlling, most especially if the relationship is still starting. But if you will let some years pass by, be persistent and if you can earn the trust of his parents then I believe there will be less rules and restrictions. Trust & Rapport are developed over time, those are the things you should establish with his parents..
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Just a note to everyone warning Evan about legal issues:
Age of consent is 16 in Indiana (where he lives) so there are NO legal concerns. Evan and his boyfriend can do whatever they want in bed together and the state doesn't mind. Most states in the USA set 16 as age of consent, a few have 17, and a the rest go with 18. Evan's problem is just with his boyfriend's parents.
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