Self-esteem and how to get some

[ExpatBrit77]

The title says it all, pretty much.

At the moment - actually, on and off over the last few years - I have battled pretty much non-stop with very low self-esteem, a problem which has not really been helped by my interaction with the gay "community". My dating history over the last at least five years can best be described as a train wreck - I have on numerous occasions been told that I am too, fat, too ugly, whatever.

Have tried changing those issues about myself that I can. I obviously can't change being ugly. Have tried for the last 12 months to lose weight but NOTHING is shifting.

Have tried going to the gym - I go very regularly, several times a week. But frankly it hardly seems worth it when the weight is NOT coming off at all. One week I lose a kg, then I put it back on again. And then I go on holiday for like a week and I've put on 3kg without even doing *anything* different.

I've tried buying new clothes to try and make myself feel good. But then when I put weight on, I end up not being able to wear anything anyway.

Have tried acquiring gay (platonic) friends. The few gay friends I have have introduced me to friends of theirs. But nothing ever comes of it. Presumably because gay guys are only interested in having "friends" that are also potential fuck buddies.

And then of course you have the "friends" who like going out with on the scene in order to have the fat ugly friend who has even less luck with men than they do i.e. at least if I don't get laid tonight, at the end of the evening there is someone else who is even more useless than I am.

I've actually reached the stage where I actively avoid contact with gay men at all - I feel like it's easier to go out with exclusively straight friends than having to deal with those stares (you all know the type - "what the fuck is that ugly bastard doing in my orbit?") from gay guys. And I certainly don't need to be told how repulsive I am, I've been told more than enough times over the years.

As an example, I haven't had sex in over two years. And haven't had a date that went beyond a first date in over four years (I lost count after four years). At this point, frankly, I am starting to lose hope of ever having sex again and certainly given my advancing age and less than amazing (to put it mildly) good looks.

Not sure why I wrote all of this, to be honest. And I'm not sure if I'm after advice as such, just wanted to get it off my chest.

[MikeIsNotPG]

The first step to gaining self-esteem is faking it until you accomplish a goal(Even if its a small one)and gaining some for real. You could also be suffering from depression or anxiety. I used to think I was the ugliest thing that walked the earth but now that I have some self esteem I find that I quite like how I look. As far as other people looking down on you for having put on a bit of weight, Fuck them. Who are they to look down on someone for being different. Fucking hypocrites. Hope my insight helped. Best of luck! <3

[southbiochem]

First thing to do is set yourself for some little achievable goals that don't have to do with dating.....that should help with self-esteen issues a bit..

the next...see a nutritionist...if you can't put off weight on your own, you need a proffesional who can help you get organized, cause, most likely than not, you're doing something wrong there..

a nutritionist can help you organize what and when to eat and if you complement it with exercize it should do well...

also, a professional can help you realize if you have other health issues as to why the difficulty in loosing weight..

once you get those 2 things going, confidence will boost and you may just find a guy yet

[East]

I just wrote this list on another board in response to a similar subject and they are my list of effective tools I use to deal with things like self esteem...hopefully you can take something from it

My tools that usually work...

Never indulge in self pity
I kick my own ass
I try not to blame other people for my own shit
When I am in a bad place I figure out what my part in it is so I can free myself from it instead of insisting that things just "happen" to me
I know when I really hate something outside myself that there is probably something inside of me I am not in touch with
For f*ck sake...don't whine
I don't let anyone else define anything for me and I can be a real bastard if someone crosses that line

[TigerBoi]

You are who you are. A lot of people might not like you, or may not be attracted to you. Some might even take the time to try to make you feel bad about yourself because they personally disagree with who you are, whether it's by your choice or not.

But you just have to remember, that not everyone is like that. I don't look at people and see imperfections. I look at models and see freakish amounts of vanity. I'm fine with guys who are big or have unique features, I really seldom see someone who I'd call ugly. And I'm not the only one who feels that way.

When I came out last year, it was after a low point of depression. I tried hooking up with a couple guys off craigslist, with the only condition pretty much being that they were clean, and after meeting a couple I found someone who I really liked. He was older, pretty obese, and had a very giddy first impression.

But you know what? I fell in love with that big goof! I had awful self esteem too, but he really opened my eyes to how much more there is to sex than what my younger generations sees in it. It isn't about 2 models going hardcore porn sex every night and living the fast and furious lifestyle every day. Everyone seems driven to that or bust these days.

Get out of the young buck race. Even if you want to keep in your age range, just look for people who feel the same way, they really aren't as rare as the media impressions make it seem.

Whatever you're interested in, other people are too. Just look for someone you feel compatible with and be upfront about what you want. You might feel like that is a terrifying thing to say, but regardless of what you're into, it's better to do that and shrug off the occasional weird look you'll get, because when you stop hiding who you are and what you want, you'll find that it really isn't so hard to find others who want to share some good times with you!

I spent 25 years in the closet. When I finally came out, everyone, regardless of how they felt about it, treated it with about as much enthusiasm after the initial 15 minutes of surprise limelight, as they do any other mundane fact of life... I kept feeling like I was gonna wake up, I mean... Was it really that easy? Was I really hiding 25 years from THAT?!

I'm telling you, the anticipation is the only real thing to fear, once you let go of that and just learn to embrace who you are and feel comfortable in your own skin, the world really opens it's doors to you... I walk around now with my shirt off showing skin and I'm proud of it... A year ago today I would have been mortified to be seen with my shirt off.

I know it's a hard thing to coax someone into with words alone, but if you really just step into it all in, you'll do just fine~ I hope life for you finds it's way to coax you out of your shell.. I never thought I'd be out of mine, and now I am... It really is only one day away once you get that change in mindset and get over the low self esteem. You can do it! <3

[MisterLove]

My self-esteem was always low.

I've lived most of my life in the company of a neurotic 'mother' who never wasted an opportunity to humiliate me (because of my hairloss, saying how ugly I supposedly am, my morning erections, etc). Growing up with her wasn't easy.

I know now there's nothing wrong with me but I didn't at the time. It's the 'mother' that was sick and ugly and needed to get treatment.

I am a stronger person now, more confident and even a bit arrogant (which isn't necessarily a bad thing).

[MisterTinkles]

Self Esteem.........ON SALE NOW!!!
50% off!!!!




Seriously though......everything you mentioned is in the "Shallow and Plastic" category.
It also sounds like you are trying to impress people, instead of just showing them you are a decent person and can be a good friend.

You "dress to impress" when you are going on job interviews.
You "look pretty" and "go to the gym" when you are shallow, vain, and plastic.

If you change....you change for YOU, NOT for anyone else (unless its your Dr., for medical reasons).

Your self esteem is not the issue. The people you are working on being friends with is the issue.
And yes, gay guys CAN be JUST friends. Ive had two long time male friends. One I dont see anymore, the other is nearby and we do things together that have nothing to do with sex. In fact, we are pretty much opposites of each other.

You need to work on meeting REAL people, not phony, plastic, shallow people who are all into "looks, labels, and waist lines". And I can guarantee that when you are at a club, there are at least TWO people who notice you, the way you want be noticed. You just dont see it. You have been mind fucked and brain washed into believing that looks and body shape are the ONLY things that make you a decent person....and thats all BULLSHIT!!!!

You find you some honest, REAL people for friends, and you will start to feel differently about yourself and how you act around others.

You might try joining some group, like a book group, movie group, music group, museum group........or take some "fun" classes like cooking, art, pottery, or something along those lines.

You have to get yourself into a different genre' of people. You aren't going to find love in a club or bar. Yes, SOME people do, but they are rare. You have to work on changing the kind of people you hang around and run around with.

[MisterTinkles]

My self-esteem was always low.

I've lived most of my life in the company of a neurotic 'mother' who never wasted an opportunity to humiliate me (because of my hairloss, saying how ugly I supposedly am, my morning erections, etc). Growing up with her wasn't easy.

I know now there's nothing wrong with me but I didn't at the time. It's the 'mother' that was sick and ugly and needed to get treatment.

I am a stronger person now, more confident and even a bit arrogant (which isn't necessarily a bad thing).

Wow..........do you supposed we could have had the SAME mother???????

[Story]

Moment of truth here, I overcame by self esteem issues by embracing nudism. When you're nude in front of others you're completely exposed and you cant hide behind clothing. You are forced to be comfortable with your body. They also have some good ideas such as celebrating the diversity of the human body. They accept you no matter what shape or size. Granted if you were to try this there are some people who are "nudists" who are just really using it as a cover to get into your pants. That being said as long as you can filter those people out and meet up with genuine cool people it can be a very rewarding experience. This may or may not be helpful to you though

[EvenOlderButWiser]

One week I lose a kg, then I put it back on again. And then I go on holiday for like a week and I've put on 3kg without even doing *anything* different.

I've tried buying new clothes to try and make myself feel good. But then when I put weight on, I end up not being able to wear anything anyway.

I am SO in this space right now, I feel for you.

I'm recovering from a knee injury that has kept me out the gym for nearly 8 months that has resulted in my weight going up by around 2stones (28lb, 12kg)

Anyway, back to the subject matter.

At the end of the day, we are all individuals, and we are who we are. Fat, thin, hairy, smooth, old, young. Whatever.

What you need to do is get yourself in a place where you are happy with yourself, wether thats in your personal life or your working environment, and build on things from there.

Everyone has something to offer, no matter who you are. The challenge is that the gay community, which you have tried to get close to, is very "gist" focused - ageist, weightgist, twinkgist you name it, the gay community simply reflects everything in todays society. The good AND the bad.

If you need to feel wanted, go volunteer at something. Then ask yourself are you worse off than those you are helping.

Good Luck,

ObW
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