I know that my jealous is my problem, and I need some help with it since I know with my man I love if I don't bring something up in just the right way he'll think I'm accusing him of being a bad person or take offense.
I recently found out, he didn't give me a specific number but the comment he made to one of his friends said "I'm well within the three digits" of people he's slept with in the past.
He's the 8th person I've slept with.
He doesn't want to bring it up around me in fact he had her change topic during this conversation on account of "my baby wouldn't like me to talk about it, but my numbers well within the three digits" I feel like his intentions are good but it has me feeling jealous.
I'm jealous, I don't feel cheated, I mean jealous in a very simple way: I haven't had nearly the same thrills in bed as he has had. I don't know if it's appropriate for me to ask things like "how many have you slept with at once?" or for a more specific estimate. I don't look at him as any less of a man at all, I still love him to pieces and I don't view this at all as a bad thing on his end. But I'm getting a little terrified of our commitment and we're finally moving in together, and him being about 5 years older than me he wants to settle down and adopt kids sooner than I do. I feel like I'm getting trapped and something in my life will be forever sealed from me, but I love him and don't want to lose him. I'd be lying if I said I've never wanted a threesome, or more and knowing he's done things like this with a lot of people makes me jealous and wish I had the same wild past prior to meeting him.
I don't know how to go about dealing with this, I'm just terrified of bringing this up. Can he justly consider me a whore for wanting something more than his body if he's done this in his past? Are my feelings wrong? Should I give us a break or open the relationship? I have no idea what to do here but I'm on the verge of panic since we move in this weekend and I feel like we're one giant step closer to my future being sealed in a way I don't want it to be sealed.
What do I do about this?
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Some other relevant history may be required here.
Earlier on in the relationship we had a fight over him exchanging photos and watching porno films of one of his friends. He didn't tell me prior that he had a sexual history with this guy and we got in a fight over it since apparently his pas relationships all viewed exchanging photos as harmless since it wasn't physical cheating and he didn't intend on ever doing something physical with this guy. I feel like he did this because we were having issues during sex (because of me) and we didn't have sex very often (because of me).
Sex has been a huge insecurity of mine; when I have sex with someone, it means I'm willing to tolerate a lot of pain just to see them get off and enjoy something where the pleasure is one way. I've been terrified of sex since I was raped when I was a toddler and again when I was a younger man in the Marine Corps. My babe has been patient and neither of us have issues with porn but I feel like he did this because he wasn't getting something I should've been able to give in our relationship. Anyway we argued, talked, cried, did the adorable gay make up thing and since then he's made great strides to get my trust back and I'm starting to enjoy sex even though my skin condition has made internal tearing way too easy and often of an occurrence.
I'm insecure of sex because I've spent all of my teenage-hood and adulthood jealous of people who could freely have sex and have as many wild encounters as they want, as long as they were practicing safe sex of course. And even though I feel like I've made great strides from my conservative upbringing on the countryside since I'm open to things that are considered sinful by my family members i feel like I've missed out on something that my man has enjoyed to a really deep extent.
He knows my sexual history inside and out because it's so short. He knows each of my times of having sex and how they mostly ended with me being in too much pain or having a PTSD flashback of rape during one of them. He's helped me overcome these things in bed to know where I'm actually in the mood more often than he is. I wanted this before we met, hell we met when I said I wasn't looking for something serious, but a romantic night at a drive in in the back of a pickup truck laying in blankets under the stars made me feel like it was love at first site. That part of me, that slut inside of me still wants almost exactly what he's had in his past and it's making me feel terrified of this locked future of ours. I don't want to lose him, but I don't know if I need to fix this or act on this, I have no idea if there are other alternatives and I don't want to break his heart. It's just he's so much more open about sex and I feel like that comes from a background of lots of sex and that he's had so much more time to do these things than I have and because he didn't have the same issues in bed as me. Now that I'm able to have sex, I really am craving wild fantasies, that despite the kinks we have together, one body wouldn't be able to fulfill.
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Let us assume he's 30 years old. Let us assume he started having partners at age 18. Let us narrow the number of his partners down to 100. That's less than one new partner a month for the past 12 years. I think we all know what we would call a woman that has slept around that much, and the same would go for your boyfriend. Why would you want to have a wild past like that? No time to make any type of emotional attachment to anyone. Bouncing from one conquest to the next, and let's face it, that's what it is.
You don't say how long you have been dating him, but perhaps you should look long and hard at the situation as you seem to be doing, and truly ask yourself if you want this type of relationship. I know I wouldn't. Of course, everything I said can be taken with a grain of salt. It's your life. Time is short. Tick-tock, Clarice, tick-tock.
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Lycanthropist Wrote:Let us assume he's 30 years old. Let us assume he started having partners at age 18. Let us narrow the number of his partners down to 100. That's less than one new partner a month for the past 12 years. I think we all know what we would call a woman that has slept around that much, and the same would go for your boyfriend. Why would you want to have a wild past like that? No time to make any type of emotional attachment to anyone. Bouncing from one conquest to the next, and let's face it, that's what it is.
You don't say how long you have been dating him, but perhaps you should look long and hard at the situation as you seem to be doing, and truly ask yourself if you want this type of relationship. I know I wouldn't. Of course, everything I said can be taken with a grain of salt. It's your life. Time is short. Tick-tock, Clarice, tick-tock. Because that desire has been there for a while, but thanks to information disclosed in another post that hasn't yet been approved, I haven't ever been able to act on it prior to meeting my man. Hes the one who's had to make me overcome many obstacles I've had with sex (trauma and a skin condition that makes my skin dry and tear easily).
I know fully well what it is, I don't see the need to repeat what I've already stated. We've been together just over 8 months.
I don't know if I would, but I'm more worried about what's fair to do or ask of a partner. I'm afraid of bringing this up with him, being called a whore then him leaving me over it. I can't say I'd fully blame him but it'd be unfair for him to require I keep a mild sexual history while his is much more full. Is this viewpoint wrong?
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My advice is to write this all down in a letter and to give it to him, if you're too shy and latter talk about it, because you know, it's all the small details that break great relationships, You're pushing yourself to move forward when you're not so sure of everything because you don't want to lose him, and I get it, been there, done that, but you need to be comfortable in your relationship as much as him, a lot of people will tell you it's all in his past and I agree, I've seen maneaters become monogamous because they love their partners to bits, it's also true others just become exceptional good liars, that's why communication is always the key, if you feel unsure talk to him, moving together planning a life together is a very big step, I've seen some dudes living together with their exes because they cannot afford to move even if they hate each-other.
So think about it, talk to him and I wish you the best.
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Why does it matter what has he done in the past? Why does it matter for you with how many men has he slept? What does matter should be what is he doing now and now he's with you only as I understand.
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I would say it's not uncommon for the younger boyfriend to be a little jealous of his older boyfreinds sexual exploits.
You need to discuss with your boyfriend "what kind of relationship you want" before you move in together. Whether it be a monogamous relationship, or an open relationship....
Whatever you do, don't use your boyfriends previous sexual exploits as an excuse for you needing to have a bunch of strangers in your bed. It would sound really petty.
Good luck,
Jim
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jimcrackcorn Wrote:I would say it's not uncommon for the younger boyfriend to be a little jealous of his older boyfreinds sexual exploits.
You need to discuss with your boyfriend "what kind of relationship you want" before you move in together. Whether it be a monogamous relationship, or an open relationship....
Whatever you do, don't use your boyfriends previous sexual exploits as an excuse for you needing to have a bunch of strangers in your bed. It would sound really petty.
Good luck,
Jim I'm seeing a contradiction here, but I feel like I'm stuck in one too. We already did move in together this last weekend. So far so good and I'm liking the extra time we have together.
I don't know how to approach this. Guess we have to talk it out? I think he's going to freak out and get the wrong idea. He's first, I'm just having an anxiety attack when I think about it.
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Most men brag about non existent numbers of sleeping partners all the time. So Id take the three digit number with pinch of salt.
The problem here is that if you can't accept that there was a BGM period (before gingerbread man) and that you've no real right to pry and question him on it (other then to satisfy yourself that there is no cause for worry around STD's) then I suggest you do one of two things. Leave well alone as its history. Or find a virgin to marry 
To do otherwise will only lead to heartbreak and he will probably tell you to mind your own business and walk away from you. I had similar issues with my current partner, and it took a lot of work to overcome the issue of historical partners.
ObW
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GingerbreadMan Wrote:I'm seeing a contradiction here, but I feel like I'm stuck in one too. We already did move in together this last weekend. So far so good and I'm liking the extra time we have together.
I don't know how to approach this. Guess we have to talk it out? I think he's going to freak out and get the wrong idea. He's first, I'm just having an anxiety attack when I think about it.
Congratulations on taking the next step in your relationship and moving in together.
If you want to make this new relationship last; you need to adhere to what OlderButWiser said "Leave well enough alone, as it's history"
You have made a choice to be with your partner, stick with him and avoid situations where you would be tempted to cheat.
I get how you are feeling, I met my husband many years ago. I was 19 and he was 39 (he was much more experienced than me). There were times when I wanted to go out by myself and hit the gay bars and be a total slut. There were times when I just wanted to be untethered from a relationship altogether and be free to do whatever I wanted. I discovered that those feelings are fleeting and only last a short while, and knew I had a great guy at home who loved me way more than any of those one-night-stands would ever do.
Here I am,,,, still with the same fella after 37 years, and I can look back and admit what an idiot I would have been if I had left him just because I wanted to experience the wilder side of life before settling down.
You will have a richer life by being a devoted husband to the one you love. And you can be like me and brag endlessly about how you stayed together longer than any of your friends - whether they be straight or gay. Hell,,, we're starting to outlive them as well !!!...
So,, don't allow yourself to feel like your missing out on sexual experiences, most of the older guys on here will tell you those one-night-stands don't feel so good the next morning when your bed suddenly becomes empty again, and there's no body to share your life with on a daily basis.
Hope you can work it out.
Sincerely,
Jim
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