When will my ex understand that it's over between us?

[philsguy95]

You made your feelings on the issue of infidelity clear and concise to him from the start. Now, SOBER, I doubt he would have taken them for granted, but it's unrealistic to expect love to overrule a substance that completely overrides, well... everything. I'm not saying you have no right to be upset, you absolutely do and I myself find cheating despicable. That being said, there was never a clear-headed decision to abandon the love and principles of your relationship, and had he not been intoxicated, I'm sure he would've stuck to them like glue. Why? Well, I've had experience with those in my life going through this, and never have I heard someone being so apologetic for their behavior. It sounds like not a tinge of selfishness or blame is behind his explanations or attempts to win you back. He's doing everything he can to make this right and get back to a place where he can make you happy. Frankly, it's rather narrow to label anything as a deal breaker, mostly because so much can and probably will happen over the course of a relationship, things that don't necessarily mean the love is no longer existent.

You have EVERY REASON to be upset with him, but considering how much he seems to love you, I'd say the best course seems to be giving a second chance. However, you do so on YOUR terms and with the strength to set those terms and expect total adherence. Like previously mentioned, if he is to drink, he does so around you only, or anything of that nature. There's 99% of you that's going to say that thinking the worst is easiest and makes living with betrayal a whole lot easier, but from experience I am telling you that the 1% that says that although the hard way may be exactly that, hard, forgiving and being open to the idea that bumps in the road may wind up being worth it. Letting that 1% have the final say may not work out, but you'll be stronger for it if it doesn't, trust me. Besides, there's always a chance, especially with this guy, that it will work out.

My point is, there's really no reason, from a purely individual standpoint, to not take him back. If the relationship lasts, great for you. If it doesn't, you'll get a whole lot out of putting yourself out there in an attempt to make things better and start fresh. If you don't want to take him back at all, that's perfectly fine. It's your life and your decision; however, I think it's worth it to give yourself some time and eventually try to reconcile.

[Undreamt]

I'm sorry but you are a bastard, taking the ideological moral high-ground for no reason other than your own selfish point of view.

So the guy got taken advantage of while drunk at a party
- You know that some girls can get away with calling that rape and getting the other person thrown in jail.

The guy tried to move passed it and then when he couldn't he was open and honest and wanted to discuss it with you, and you kicked him out instantly.
- Fantastic, you just punished someone for doing the right thing, maybe your next partner will just hide it all from you and stab you in the back instead.

You also have a strange definition of cheating.
To cheat is to defraud, decieve, to be disloyal and unfaithful.

Okay so maybe he was sexually unfaithful, but where was the dishonesty? How has he deceived you?
I would be far more trusting of someone who slept with another person and told me about it than someone who txt'd and went for dinner with a 'friend' and didn't tell me about it.

Emotional infidelity is far more common and (in my opinion) far, FAR more damaging.

[Woollyhats]

You can keep a calendar of his visits and a diary of your encounters with him, and create a list of as many witnesses as you can. Then you can call the police on him for stalking. This would be the harshest and most effective way of getting him to leave you alone, even if charges are not pressed/you choose not to pursue them, the message that you don't want to continue will be sent. This is a route some people in similar situations as yourself choose.

However --- if you continue to ignore him and give him no flexibility on the fact that you're over, almost every time the other party will give up.

A last note though - you're probably not going to find another man so committed to trying to right his wrongs. His persistence in correcting his mistake, his sincerity in admitting his mistake, and regret is actually rare. You might be surprised to hear that, but in cheating usually the person that cheats doesn't care for your feelings, and is highly unlikely to actually admit it to you.

Additionally, you might also take into the account that he was intoxicated, and his inhibitions removed as a result. While sober he might empathize and feel that it's wrong to cheat, but while drunk the thinking capabilities required to create an inhibition is more dulled - you might perhaps take that into account. Personally speaking, if my significant other admitted to cheating and was clearly intoxicated, I would initially approach it more as a drinking problem rather than a cheating problem. It would also be the fabled 'one chance', since if the infidelity happens again the intoxication becomes an excuse for a problem rather than the problem itself. I don't know if this has been a problem for you before, but I'm assuming it hasn't been since you have such strong feelings about infidelity, which is why I bothered to express my opinion on this here.

Concerning your ex, he actually came forward, admitted his infidelity, and sought reconciliation.

If you could ever consider forgiving someone for cheating, this is perhaps one of those rare times where you might forget the black and white "it's wrong", and look into the gray area of "It's wrong, I forgive you, and this is how we can make it better.".

It's up to you, it's your decision. If you want him gone, you're just as correct to get rid of him as you are if you try to make it work.

And of course, I'm very sorry that something like this has happened to you, I can only hope you become a better person because of it.

[dfiant1]

You can keep a calendar of his visits and a diary of your encounters with him, and create a list of as many witnesses as you can. Then you can call the police on him for stalking. This would be the harshest and most effective way of getting him to leave you alone, even if charges are not pressed/you choose not to pursue them, the message that you don't want to continue will be sent. This is a route some people in similar situations as yourself choose.

However --- if you continue to ignore him and give him no flexibility on the fact that you're over, almost every time the other party will give up.

A last note though - you're probably not going to find another man so committed to trying to right his wrongs. His persistence in correcting his mistake, his sincerity in admitting his mistake, and regret is actually rare. You might be surprised to hear that, but in cheating usually the person that cheats doesn't care for your feelings, and is highly unlikely to actually admit it to you.

Additionally, you might also take into the account that he was intoxicated, and his inhibitions removed as a result. While sober he might empathize and feel that it's wrong to cheat, but while drunk the thinking capabilities required to create an inhibition is more dulled - you might perhaps take that into account. Personally speaking, if my significant other admitted to cheating and was clearly intoxicated, I would initially approach it more as a drinking problem rather than a cheating problem. It would also be the fabled 'one chance', since if the infidelity happens again the intoxication becomes an excuse for a problem rather than the problem itself. I don't know if this has been a problem for you before, but I'm assuming it hasn't been since you have such strong feelings about infidelity, which is why I bothered to express my opinion on this here.

Concerning your ex, he actually came forward, admitted his infidelity, and sought reconciliation.

If you could ever consider forgiving someone for cheating, this is perhaps one of those rare times where you might forget the black and white "it's wrong", and look into the gray area of "It's wrong, I forgive you, and this is how we can make it better.".

It's up to you, it's your decision. If you want him gone, you're just as correct to get rid of him as you are if you try to make it work.

And of course, I'm very sorry that something like this has happened to you, I can only hope you become a better person because of it.

This kid is a fucking genius... OP you would be wise to read and reread every word of this post and ignore everything we have all said.

[Genersis]

I agree with Bowyn on this, but I must admit, his reaction to being dumped is pretty extreme; obsessive even.
Regardless of your decision on whether to give him a second chance, you need to tell him such behaviour is unacceptable. It's pretty much stalking.

[Anonymous]

Actually I started to feel like I'm from some other century a long time ago. I'm quite surprised about how easy people are on unfaithfulness.

Most probably I won't go to the police, that would probably be too harsh on him, although this probably is stalking. I can understand that he might need some time to get over it and I'm not angry on him anymore and I don't wish him anything bad, but I don't want to be together with him anymore. I don't want to see him or hear about him, I just want to forget him. I asked so little from him - just to be faithful to me - and unfortunately he was unable to do it. Alcohol is not an excuse, it's not meant to drink till the point where you cannot control your actions anymore. Someone who cannot drink properly and doesn't know his limits, should not drink at all.
Cheaters do not change. I know it, because I've had tons of my heterosexual friends crying on my shoulder that they forgave their man once and now he's cheating on them again and they don't understand why.

The reasons why my previous relationships ended, were various, and yes, I've already been cheated on. And how could I be sure about something now? Maybe this is not the first time, maybe he's been lying to me all along. I don't think I'm a bastard for wanting a man who loves only me and doesn't jump into the first bed at the first possibility.

[Ekwarph]

I agree with BA that cheating is forgiveable at some point depending on the terms and conditions you signed for before a relationship (you know, the thing you never read :biggrin: ).

But I think that alcohol shouldn't be an excuse but only an explaination.
Else, things would be too easy (ooh I was drunk, it's okay theen).

[jimcrackcorn]

This is why I tell couples to keep their mouths shut if one of them makes the mistake of cheating one time. If they are continuously caught cheating - that's definitely grounds for ending the relationship, but cheating only one time while drunk is not grounds for ending a otherwise good relationship.

If he was my partner, I would have found a way to punish him for his misdeed and let him know I was hurt by his actions. Then I'd forgive him and continue to live our lives together.

Just my opinion.
Jim

[Anonymous]

It would be very hard for me to forgive him. People are not perfect, but how can you make a mistake on something like that? He says he loves me, but if that would be true, he would never cheat me. I don't know why does he want to get back together with me. By this he has showed me that our relationships are not important to him.

[Merc]

Assuming that people are going to cheat is a rather pessimistic approach brought about by nothing more than bad personal experience. It's unfortunate how jaded some people get.

Anyway, I think the biggest problem here is that you are angry at yourself for not moving past what happened. It's not your fault that he's acting the way he is now. It's no longer your responsibility to keep tabs on someone that you ended it with unless you still care (which it seems you do). If anything, you ought to work on your own personal feelings and stop being mad at him for being upset about what happened. He knows what he did was wrong, but if you are adamant about cutting this off for good, then it's up to you to move on. Either stand behind your decision or make amends.