Finding "him" (or "her")

[MisterTinkles]

I think it was Sillboy86 made a comment about never finding the right guy in Italy.....which brought up a good point.

Who is to say that your "Mr. Right/Mrs. Right" is in the area you live? Or even the state you live? Or even the country you live????

Although technology has connected the entire planet, people still force themselves to be localized to their own areas.

Some people CAN find someone in their city/state/country, while others find it in other parts of the planet.

Can we all travel the world? No. It is expensive and time consuming, as well as some people do not like to travel.

Some people do travel the globe and still never find the right person.

The point is, if you DONT get out of your localized area (or comfort zone), you will never be out there, in public, where you are able to meet others, or have them see you.

Whether you get out to other cities in your state, travel to other states, or even go to other countries.....you HAVE to "get out there" if you plan to find someone, or be available for someone to find you.

Not everybody goes onto dating sites. To tell the truth, you only have three types of people that get on dating sites......
1. Lookers - they join, but have no intention of trying to connect with anyone, for whatever reason.
2. The Desperate - those who are desperate for finding someone, and willing to lie to themselves and tell themselves whatever they need too, in order to attract another.
3. The Players - those who get on the sites for nothing more than sex encounters. They will say and do anything to get you to submit to them. Once they get what they wanted, they are done with you.

Although technology has connected the world, the world has not connected with itself. People can lie to themselves all they want, they can allow others to lie to them, they can force themselves to believe what is said to them so they have SOMETHING in a graspable range. But the hard fact remains, people TRUST physical nature of others.

Physical Nature - means what you hear, see, and can touch for yourself, in REAL life.
Not online, not in emails, not in letters, not on "dating sites".

You can fool yourself all you want, but nothing is going to happen online. It's just "all talk". You have to meet, talk, see, interact with people in a physical presence for you to feel any sort of trust.

Im not saying you are going to trust them with your life or anything, I mean they have your trusts in that they cant lie about their photo, because you see them in real life. They can't lie to you as they would online, because you see their facial expressions and hear the tones in their voices (although a lot of them are good at lying).

It's the physical nature of getting to know someone. Talking to their face, hearing their real voice, and the feeling you get from being around them.

You've got to GET OUT and GO! Whether its the next town, the next city, the next state, or the next country......you have got to get out and GO someplace!!!! If not, you will be stagnated in your "comfort zone" and get depressed.

Look at it like this..........
When you loose something and cant find it, it's always in the last place you look?

Well, you LOOKED and you LOOKED, but you finally found that lost item.

Think of the item as the man/woman that could possibly make you happy. Think of your house or apartment as "everywhere" you looked for that item.

You looked in more than one place, you looked in different spots, you looked here and there, and sometimes you have to turn everything upside down to find that item.
But it was worth it in the end, because you found the item.

So, get out there and LOOK in other places! Turn your city, state, country upside down to get yourself out there meeting people!!!!

You aren't going to find what you are looking for if you dont get out and look.

The internet is ONLY a tool. It is not a dating service, it is not a crystal ball for your future, it is not the truth, it is not the perfect means to justify sitting on your ass.

Mr. Right/Mrs. Right isn't going to come to YOU, YOU have to go find THEM. Or at least put yourself in a position where they can SEE you. Nobody can SEE you sitting all alone in your home.

Fly, drive, take the train, take the bus, go with friends, take vacations, go on weekends out of town.....if YOU dont look, then nobody will ever SEE you.

*******************************************************

The other problem is that this is an "instant" society. Does not matter where you are from, it's all become and instant society.

Want some soup? Open a can and heat it up.
Want a burger and fries? Go through the drive thru.
Want new pants? Go to the store and get a pair.

Its all instant. Instant gratification. That does not happen with relationships. Even "love at first sight" doesnt happen over night. And those who do practice "instant relationships" are never happy, never content, never appreciative of what they have.
I call it the "Kleenex mentality" (Kleenex is a tissue company who make boxes of instant tissues).

The Kleenex Mentality - Pull out one, use it, throw it away, pull out another one.

Too many people believe that relationships/romance/love is an instant item, just waiting for them to pull it out of thin air or the internet.

They find someone that physically pleases them, and then finds out they have nothing in common, so they "throw them away" and grab another. These types of people are never happy, never concerned with anyone else s needs but their own. And as long as whoever the poor sap is they are with is not instantly making THEM happy, they will get rid of them and get another.

People are NOT instant, nor are they living next door to you for your convenience.

It is YOUR job to get yourself out there and get to know people, not theirs. After all, you never know who you are going to meet. You could be passing up your best friend in all the world, or ignoring the perfect person for you, all because you are expecting everything to come to you while you hide in your little world.

Whatever it is you want in your life............It ain't gonna happen if YOU don't work at it!!!

[Bowyn Aerrow]

Fly, drive, take the train, take the bus, go with friends, take vacations, go on weekends out of town.....if YOU dont look, then nobody will ever SEE you.

If a trip around the world cost ten cents, I couldn't afford to go out and piss on my front lawn.

Even if I had a wee bit of money, the State of California does not find it humorous that I space out for a few seconds with absence seizures.

Friends - well aside from the internet I have... um... Erm... Give me a moment surely I have a friend that still lives within 50 miles of me... Ummmmmmmm.....

Nope, they all up and moved away.

This part of your post assumes that everyone is like you, pulling down the big bucks and irresponsible enough to run off to some wild and exotic place like 6 Flags Texas at the drop of the hat or something, or assumes they have a brand new truck like you obviously have, or don't have some sort of - oh I don't know, commitment and responsibility that pretty much prevents them from running off at will to find a mate.

For a lot of people its local or the internet. There is no side trip to the next town, state, nation, planet over - they are 'stuck' in their local territory and have to make due with the primitive technologies at hand (internet dating, the WWW, whatever its called).

You know of Meebles, were you intentionally slapping at him and his situation? What about South? He works two jobs for Christ's Sake. Half of the 'kids' here are in some form of higher education system, the other half are working like dogs in order to pay for their tuition from finishing up getting their degree. A decent chunk of our members have done a lot of travel and have put themselves out there. With little to no success.

This blanket 'knowledge' you are sharing isn't really applicable in real life situations. and I don't see it applying to many members here.

The other problem is that this is an "instant" society. Does not matter where you are from, it's all become and instant society.

I don't know about that, sure we have young 20 something year old bemoaning single-hood, but the majority here are not looking for Mr. Instant - read the posts, when it comes to a lot of aspects these kids demonstrate that they are doing a lot of thinking and are being very careful to choose right.

Long term members who are single have been that way a long time, or in many cases haven't even been in a relationship and they are 20 something or older.

Myself, 8 men for sex, 6 of which were honest attempts at relationships. figure you can start that at year 24 and work it until present (year 47, soon 48) That comes out to on average one man every 2.875 years or one relationship for every 3.83333_ years. If we dare to take it back to the age of adulthood (18) that becomes a man every 3.625 years a relationship every 4.833333_ years.

Yeah I know, instant gratification - I can slow that down to at least one man per decade.

Whatever it is you want in your life............It ain't gonna happen if YOU don't work at it!!!

Is that right? So how is life up in Oregon/Washington in your Airstream trailer there Mr. Tinkles?

Hmmm. What ain't working hard enough to meet your dream quota?

If I recall correctly, you have or had dreams that you did work to achieve and then life decided to pile drive you into the ground. Again a lot of our members do work, work very damn hard I might add to go places from where they are now. I suspect that more than a few have had their faces stomped at least more than once by the harsh reality that its really doesn't matter how much you work to attain a thing, as long as you have a bit of luck to keep bad things from knocking you down.

Considering just the ridiculously high statistics for motor accident death, I think we have demonstrable proof that no matter how hard you work, life has a tendency to change in a heartbeat and not always in one's favor. Well actually sudden change often does not end well for all parties involved, except the lawyers - they profit much from change.

The strawman argument that if you work hard you will achieve much in life is a political statement used by the elite who skid by via know-who and not know-how. I personally know way too many individuals who work two and a half jobs and struggle to make ends meet Perhaps 60, 70 hour a week labor is just not working harder and they need work a little more? Or is the reality is that life is pretty much a bitch and she slaps people around for just no reason at all?

I think you either made a lot of assumptions about the situation for many people who are members here, or worse, you clearly understand the circumstances of various members and have just decided to rub their nose in it.

I know you have been here long enough to remember a lot of posts by long term members who have revealed a great deal about their particular situations, their attempts at finding love to be hammered by life in not so nice ways. I think you have been reading enough to know that many of the members here work pretty damn hard at life and are not looking for instant gratification. If not then I strongly suggest you pull your hands away from the key board and go back and start reading from 2008 forward and see what people have written when it comes to their situations.

It is not as easy as you are trying to make it out to be, and you are pretty much insulting a vast majority of our members here with your assumption that they are a product of the instant gratification generation and are by thus assumption looking for Mr. instant.

For Shame Mr. Tinkles. Read your audience before you proceed to bash them.

[matty7]

so wish I could read a thread so long,, but its just not me ,, and yes I know I miss out ,,I may read it over time

[MisterTinkles]

[SIZE="3"]Well EXCCUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUSE the FUCK outta ME for trying to give some people a little bit of guidance and hope who think they have NOTHING to live for and want to DIE!!!!!!

This was a generalization about finding someone to click with. I did NOT point anyone out, and I certainly did not BASH anyone!!!

MY reality is I WANT a lot of stuff, but I know what I WANT is not necessarily what I NEED. That is MY reality.[/SIZE]


If you want to read propaganda, bigotry, and your personal vendetta on the world into what I wrote, then thats YOUR problem, not MINE!


JEEESUS FUCKIN CHRIST!!!!!
And people call ME bitter and jaded!!!!!

[Undreamt]

Mr tinkles its good advices, don't get down on yourself just becaus enobody is willing to listen

[Eth21]

Well for what it's worth I understand where your. Coming from and was considering the advice myself!!

[Evan88]

Both Bowyn and Mr Tinkles have a point... Learned from their pieces of advice..
In my case Im not really actively looking for someone, my focus would probably be my career.

[CarGuy65]

Wow, OK I usually just lurk around this forum learning what I can about my somewhat new lifestyle change but I think I will chime in on this one.
Mister Tinkles, I understand what you mean by taking charge and doing something yourself to make good things happen. It will not come knocking on your door on its own.
When my marriage had ended (she cheated) and I decided to make a life change (realizing I am gay,long story, another time) I did not know the first thing about how to go meeting other gay men or for that matter what the lifestyle was all about. Keeping in mind that I was 47 years old (approximately 962 in gay years) The first thing I did was to go on one of those dating sites and put up my profile. I was very honest in my profile saying that I was NOT looking for a hookup and that I was just looking for some friends to talk with. Within a week I got an email from a man that was 44 and had just lost his partner to cancer a year earlier. We met for dinner a year ago almost to the day and spent a lot of time talking and listening. He found out the day of his partners passing that he had been cheating on him for over a year (long story,another time) Anyway within a very short time had developed a very solid friendship. Both of us own small businesses and have very little free time so this was a nice break to chat with each other. We found out we had a great deal in common and similar goals and dreams.
Valentines day 2013 we had a very in depth talk and he asked if I may be interested in the possibility of a relationship. Oh yea!! We ended up falling in love and have been together ever since with a few minor bumps (yet another story, another time) but no arguments as of yet. We have talked of living together,marriage and spending the rest of our lives together.
Sorry for the long story but the point is Life is what you make of it and you have to go out and just do it yourself.
It can start locally for some people. For others it may take going out of your area and/or comfort zone. I was extremely lucky to have found love nearby and by the way an exceptionally good looking man if I do say so myself. OK I posted his picture in Daddy of the Day thread if you want to see how lucky I am.
So Mister Tinkles, Thank You for posting your thoughts! I hope some people may find some inspiration in your words and get out and make good things happen for themselves.
Thanks for listening. Paul

[partis]

Yes you do have to actually SEE somebody to see how you feel, even if your chatting online to someone, have a lot in common, there still may be no spark, no attraction.

you dont say "but i dont know you so why should we meet" You say "i dont know you so we should meet"

It takes brass balls and the idea is you meet as friends and take it from there.

Though there is more than 3 types of people that go on dating sites as i was in a loving relationship with one for two years

[southbiochem]

Much like Evan, I understand all too well what both Tinkles and Bowyn say..

Tinkles: you are most correct in saying that finding someone comes with a responsibility of coming out of your comfort zone, and actively puting yourself out there to be seen..

yes, online bussiness falls short...that's why even in my sadness and despair I have not and won't go through online dating...the types you describe are probably all true and trying to find and honest and good person in bewteen all that seems too much work...

This, getting out of my comfort zone, is something I have not done, so it remains largely my fault...

I won't agree with you in the instant gratification bit...as much as I maybe be like that in some areas (and not all) that instant gratification policy does not transfer in what I think my love life should be like.


Bowyn: Well, first I'm honoured that you would use my case as an example..

I find your considerations to the subject very on point..

I will have to agree here with Bowyn, Tinkles, that the opportunities to go somewhere else are very very limited for some people and also, once you've put you're self out there for sometime and not succeeded, makes a dent on you..

Personally, my case is this, and Bowyn already depicted some of it:

I work 2 jobs, one fixed job in a research lab that gives me a decent bit of money and another one not nearly as good, teaching Experimental Immunology and Molecular Biology (yes, I like to exercize Chemistry but not teach it :p), it's 1/5 of what I make with the other one, but that little bit of extra money goes a long way...

I usually don't have many expenses, not on the personal ground anyway...never was the kind of guy that spended a lot of money in anything...

that comes all too well cause I am indebted to the Chilean State for the next 10 years in terms of student loan, and also, I have to obviously share my household's expenses, not to mention that my sis being a teacher does not make good money and more often than not I have to pitch in in helping here with a bit of my monthly wage..

That said, I am in a position to start considering a saving's account for my own place....my grades in college and experience in the work world are very good to consider a post graduate studies here and abroad. Canada, US, UK and Germany all seem good choices..

But that comes with it's cost in money, not to mention that in the case of the US, the place is almost air tight shut for Latin Americans at least (it takes a great deal of work to legally get in, but it's not impossible).

So, things are more complicated that in first sight....more local destinations within my own geopolitical zone offer me nothing more than my own country, so...

All that said....and this is where I agree with Tinks...it's not impossible, it can be done...

I my case if I can muster the proper situation, save money, start actively searching for postgraduate programs out there suitable for me...

and in that case it will fall into my responsibility: whether I leave my comfort zone here and find someone, or if I take the opportunity and go abroad and find someone there, it will be my own job to make it happen, granting, as Bowyn said, that I'm in a situation where that can happen


So, thanks to the both of you for your insight