Is it selfish of me to want a date with a guy, any guy, I don’t care whom? Is it selfish of me to want a first a kiss? To experience holding hands? To want a family? A little acreage? Given my circumstances, is that selfish?
I even thought I would like an abusive relationship. I would settle for that. As he long as he loved me, even if in his own warped way. Even if he eventually took my life, it would be his to have. At least I would, for even the briefest of moments, glimpse my fading dreams.
My Dark Angel smiled at me tonight. Sure his hands were awash in my blood, but he has a pretty face. I wish only to be with him now… he likes silence. He asked how much longer I can endure my darkness, when we can both share his. He asked me to go away with him…
(I politely ask no one respond to this, I merely need a release.)
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Sorry, but if you get your release through an open forum you'll have to accept the fact that people might respond. If you're uncomfortable with that I recommend a diary.
To answer your very first question: yeah, kind of. I know how you feel and it's not a very unusual thought at all. In fact, a lot of people actually do settle for someone they neither love nor have that much in common with for the sake of escaping that creeping feeling of being lonely. In the end it only serves to hurt themselves as well as their partner who has been selfishly used as a tool to abolish loneliness.
If you feel like you really, really want a relationship you could always try new venues. I'm not sure how I personally feel about internet dating, but if that's something you could get into then go ahead. If not, I'm sure you can find other places more to your tastes to more actively try and find someone.
I sort of get the impression that you have a very romanticized view on love and death. The part where you talk about accepting death at the hand of your lover sounds like its taken straight out of some maiden's monologue in an overly romanticized gothic novel. You don't really mean that and if you ever were to experience an actually abusive relationship I, and people who have actually been through one, would assure you that the feeling would go away. Without intending to offend I also get the impression that you somehow take pride in your dark, morbid values but that might just be because I know of many people in my own life who certainly do. This mostly concerns young people who want to differentiate themselves from their conforming peers.
Back to topic, however; being able to accept life without a partner is extremely vital. I can't give you much advice on how to achieve this acceptance but you mustn't force yourself into something just because you want to experience affection. I'm sure I don't have to tell you why that is a bad move. Learn to be fine on your own somehow, in your own way and wait until you find someone who's right for you.
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No its not selfish to want that Jove and you can have it and should realise thats what most people want, its just a crazy world where two people want the same thing but cant give it to each other. There's more singles alive today than ever.
If i lived in canada… i can say that now i know you have no standards (only joking) :p
oh jovial dont let your dreams fade, set to them with renewed effort.
Once more giving advice i dont follow myself.
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No, no, no, no, no and no.
Even given your situation at home, no...it's what most people would like too..
You saying you wouldn't mind an abusive relationship is probably the same as me saying I wouldn't mind people cheating on me.....we say it because we are lonely right now...probably we won't actually condone it if it happened..
Nothing else to say, Jas...things won't always be as dark at they seem right now..
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HumbleTangerine Wrote:Sorry, but if you get your release through an open forum you'll have to accept the fact that people might respond. If you're uncomfortable with that I recommend a diary.
To answer your very first question: yeah, kind of. I know how you feel and it's not a very unusual thought at all. In fact, a lot of people actually do settle for someone they neither love nor have that much in common with for the sake of escaping that creeping feeling of being lonely. In the end it only serves to hurt themselves as well as their partner who has been selfishly used as a tool to abolish loneliness.
If you feel like you really, really want a relationship you could always try new venues. I'm not sure how I personally feel about internet dating, but if that's something you could get into then go ahead. If not, I'm sure you can find other places more to your tastes to more actively try and find someone.
I sort of get the impression that you have a very romanticized view on love and death. The part where you talk about accepting death at the hand of your lover sounds like its taken straight out of some maiden's monologue in an overly romanticized gothic novel. You don't really mean that and if you ever were to experience an actually abusive relationship I, and people who have actually been through one, would assure you that the feeling would go away. Without intending to offend I also get the impression that you somehow take pride in your dark, morbid values but that might just be because I know of many people in my own life who certainly do. This mostly concerns young people who want to differentiate themselves from their conforming peers.
Back to topic, however; being able to accept life without a partner is extremely vital. I can't give you much advice on how to achieve this acceptance but you mustn't force yourself into something just because you want to experience affection. I'm sure I don't have to tell you why that is a bad move. Learn to be fine on your own somehow, in your own way and wait until you find someone who's right for you.
I’m sorry, I appreciate the feedback, though you must have experienced all those things in question. I am 25, and have never been on a date, never had kiss, never held another’s hand. I have had no opportunity to do so, still do not have opportunity to the very minute of my writing this. It is easy for those in relationships or who have experienced relationships to say that having one is not vital. Try the other end of the spectrum and see how long you last.
And now I feel ashamed of what my depression has reduced me to. I take no pride in these dark feelings, they scare me. They absolutely scare me. To the point, I locked up my knife collection in the barn. I no longer trust myself. I am a stranger.
It is only natural for me to romanticize romance and perhaps, now, even death. I get to do that without judgment, since I am a dreamer and cannot go on experience. I accepted what could not be. I sacrificed willingly without regret at that moment of change. I told myself that life could always be worse. I could be swinging from a tree in the Middle East or Africa. Those loving secret souls. I would sacrifice whatever remains of my soul for their freedom; I still would do so without hesitation.
Now tell me, who can truly survive in this world without love…
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Jovial Wrote:Is it selfish of me to want a date with a guy, any guy, I don’t care whom? Is it selfish of me to want a first a kiss? To experience holding hands? To want a family? A little acreage? Given my circumstances, is that selfish?
I even thought I would like an abusive relationship. I would settle for that. As he long as he loved me, even if in his own warped way. Even if he eventually took my life, it would be his to have. At least I would, for even the briefest of moments, glimpse my fading dreams.
My Dark Angel smiled at me tonight. Sure his hands were awash in my blood, but he has a pretty face. I wish only to be with him now… he likes silence. He asked how much longer I can endure my darkness, when we can both share his. He asked me to go away with him…
(I politely ask no one respond to this, I merely need a release.)
I think it is more "immaturity" and lack of self confidence than being selfish. You are not seeking someone you love, but you are seeking the sensation of loving. Unfortunately, it doesn't work that way...or there's something I don't understand.
Take it as it comes with someone YOU love, or at least to begin, with a appearantly nice guy you're attracted to. But once you do it with someone you don't really like just to feel comfortable with the fact that you can appeal is REALLY NOT the solution, believe
me...and I'm saying this cause I experienced that kind of feelings, and you just feel guilty, you have to cut off etc. It's not easy to manage that kind of things.
Sorry, maybe I didn't have to respond to it.
Please don't think I'm judging you, I also did once that kind of mistake. I just warn you that that kind of relationship doesn't have good consequences...be careful, you deserve much better than that.
But it's sometimes more efficient to learn from one's own mistake, yeah...
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Ekwarph Wrote:I think it is more "immaturity" and lack of self confidence than being selfish. You are not seeking someone you love, but you are seeking the sensation of loving. Unfortunately, it doesn't work that way...or there's something I don't understand.
Take it as it comes with someone YOU love, or at least to begin, with a appearantly nice guy you're attracted to. But once you do it with someone you don't really like just to feel comfortable with the fact that you can appeal is REALLY NOT the solution, believe
me...and I'm saying this cause I experienced that kind of feelings, and you just feel guilty, you have to cut off etc. It's not easy to manage that kind of things.
Sorry, maybe I didn't have to respond to it.
Please don't think I'm judging you, I also did once that kind of mistake. I just warn you that that kind of relationship doesn't have good consequences...be careful, you deserve much better than that.
But it's sometimes more efficient to learn from one's own mistake, yeah...
Thanks for your input, but I see no relationship on the horizon, not now, not ever…
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Jovial Wrote:Thanks for your input, but I see no relationship on the horizon, not now, not ever…
May I ask why?
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HumbleTangerine Wrote:May I ask why?
Apologies, but I am no longer permitted to discuss the greatest reason as to why. Besides, that account tires me.
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You're cute.
I agree with Ekwarph about the 'immaturity', and maybe what you need is have some random experience with strangers, do mistakes and teen stupid things (even if you're not a teen...).
I think I know how you feel, so is something very difficult, and also I'm sure you need the help of a professional figure... Even find the right person in this case isn't easy.
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