So here we go. I'm 21 and my boyfriend is 28. He's my first real relationship, and I'm his umpteenth. We have been dating for a year and a half. Going into the relationship, we both knew we had each had a preference for topping, but I'm the kind of person who's more than willing to bottom when I deeply care about someone.
Needless to say, I had to fulfill the role of bottom since the outset, which I was okay with because I just figured it would take a little time for him to be willing. Not only does he not want to bottom, he has refused to let me rim him every time I have attempted aside from once.
Probably six months into our relationship, he divulged that the reason he didn't want his butt played with was because he had hemorrhoids. I accepted it, and thought with time his butt would heal and he would be willing, because he promised to go to the doctor and get something to help with them. He told me he fantasized about feeling me inside of him, and that he couldn't wait until the day he could feel me inside.
Fast-forward a year, and now I'm to the point where I am withholding anal sex, because he has yet to bottom for me. He is consistently angry with me because I don't initiate sex and he complains about the infrequency of anal sex. Devoid of passion, we will jerk off maybe once or twice a day together.
Over the course of our relationship, I've learned he's had no problem bottoming for his ex-boyfriends. He did not date these exes for any amount of time longer than we have been together. It's extremely frustrating, because he gets angry with me for not having sex, and when I tell him my sex drive is down because I never get to do what I want in bed, he gets angry with me and accuses me of seeing someone else or that I'm not attracted to him anymore.
I have never cheated on him, but it's extremely depressing to have someone who claims to love you not be willing to bottom when you know they've done it in the past. When the issue comes up, he no longer blames it on hemorrhoids but tells me he'll do it when he's sure that I love him. He feels like I don't love him, because my sex drive is down.
It just seems like an endless circle of frustration. I don't want to break up with him and I don't want to cheat on him, but damnit, it would feel good to have my needs met for once. I don't know what to do. I can't even have a conversation with him about it, because when I voice my sexual frustrations, he gets extremely angry and tells me that a relationship should be more than just sex. It's like he's allowed to get mad at me for not bottoming, but it's wrong for me to do the same.
What to do?
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You need to find other ways to enjoy sex with each other. With both of you having a preference for "topping", one of you will always be unsatisfied.
I would suggest that both of you take "topping" off the list of sexual priorities and do some experimentation with BJ's,,,, as in different positions and types. Try everything and mix it up. There has got to be other ways for both of you to find a fulfilling sex life without being exclusively a bottom or top.
One thing for sure,, your making each other miserable because of the sex (or the lack thereof) and you need to deal with this problem before it gets to a point where breaking up becomes a foreseeable option.
sincerely,
Jim
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He probably is afraid if anything is shoved up his ass he will have hemorrhoids again. Most likely a wise course to take since apparently at his youthful age he has a weak ass that easily breaks under strain.
Never, ever, ever use sex as a weapon. You will lose. Stop withholding sex as a form of punishment, all that will do is sow giant seeds of resentment which will rip your relationship apart.
Yes he bottomed when he was a kid, he is no longer a kid. He has been an adult a decade now, he put a lot - and I mean a whole hella lot - of childish notions behind him. I hate to tell you this, but he most likely came to the conclusion that he is a total top and can't fathom being a bottom for anyone for any reason. Age has a way of thoroughly mixing us and firmly setting us - like concrete.
He tried it and clearly he doesn't like it. Yeah he had that with exes - I'm sorry, but we all with exes have special stuff with our exes we don't have with current or future partners. Past is exactly that - the past.
For either of you to force yourself to be something you are not is intrinsically wrong, it leads to EXACTLY The emotions you have now, which include hurt, anger, resentment. And its not just sexual positions - its ANYTHING a person has to change about themselves to be the 'ideal mate' to their partner. You end up hating your partners ever-loving guts.
Look, you two are not compatible in this department. Sorry, you both need to accept the way it is and try to find a third option here and stop trying to force each other to be something the other is not.
He ain't gonna bottom (willingly) and if you force him he will resent you. Just like you are resenting him now. He most likely is already resenting you because now 'all of the sudden' you are telling him you won't bottom. You 'suddenly' changed on him and he is going to hate that. yeah sure, you never were a bottom to begin with, but you decided for 'love' that it would be ok to lie about your needs to make him happy, now you find you can't continue the lie.
If there is any hope of you two finding reconciliation and keeping your relationship, you have to find a third option, a real compromise that BOTH of you can do, and no looking at his past saying 'If you can do that for them, you can do it for me' Because that just ain't gonna happen, that was the past, that was X number of years ago and a whole hella lot of experiences that have firmly set his mind against being topped.
You are in the present, you need to find a present solution.
JimmyCrackCorn has what is perhaps the only sexual solution.
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"Look, you two are not compatible in this department."
"You are in the present, you need to find a present solution."
Seems obvious. You're a top. He's a top. Both of you need to find bottoms. I know - it's cavalier of me to point it out, but it's quite simply true. Love is love, and reality is reality. If you're incompatible, that's a breaking point. It's gonna break your heart but you gotta beak it up.
I know it's no consolation, but there's more bottoms out there than tops.
~questioning
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Maybe this is the time to talk to him about opening the relationship. If he's a top and you're a top, the obvious thing would be to seek out a bottom. Part of the reason "Open" relationships never work is because once most couples open the relationship, one or both partners will see people on their own, without informing the other about it. But part of being in an open relationship is to be open with each other. Talk about it together and decide if finding somebody on occasion would be a good thing. As long as the decision is mutual, and you play together, there should be no room for jealousy. You'll get the satisfaction of topping, he'll get the satisfaction of sex again. There are many things you can do sexually together as two tops. You just have to work that out between the two of you.
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Relationships should be give and take and lots of compromise.
I don't feel he is pulling his weight here and I understand and agree with your stance for now.
However depriving each other is not a long term solution.
I don't agree with open relationships either.
He needs to meet you half way as lovemaking is so important in any relationship.
If he does not, I feel you need to re-evaluate your relationship altogether.
Good Luck
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Oh, I'm not suggesting that I like Open Relationships, I'm just saying that there are times when it can work...this situation might be one of those rare instances.
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If the boyfriend was pulling his weight in the first place you wouldn't feel the need to look elsewhere.
I feel that involving other parties weakens the bond and plays on people's emotions.
If I were looking at someone else I would go the whole hog, do the decent thing and break up with my boyfriend first.
I wouldn't share him, nor would I cheat but then that is just my point of view.
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There has been a lot of good advice, unfortunately there isn't an easy answer to your problem. I'd like to think you both could meet in the middle here, a compromise (which is what couples learn to do if they are going to survive), but it sounds like he's not willing in this area. I know you say he doesn't want to talk about it (or just gets mad and starts a fight), but you may have to push him to talk about it. This "talk" might be less of a "how to we fix our sexual needs" to "either we solve this or our relationship is going to fall apart" kind of talk. If either of you cannot compromise, the resentment will grow to a point when the relationship will fail anyway, so you better get discussing this before it's too late.
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loserguy Wrote:If the boyfriend was pulling his weight in the first place you wouldn't feel the need to look elsewhere.
I want to date a black man, but I seriously need him to wear white make-up so he can pass as a white man... I mean seriously, if he can't be white then he clearly isn't pulling his weight - right?
You know what this relationship is? Its one of those 'I love you but......' type relationships.
Clearly one or both of them decided that they would CHANGE the other to suit their needs. Obviously both of them knew out the gate that both of them are tops. But they decided that they would go forward in this relationship and change the other to suit their needs (force a top into being a bottom).
Top/Bottom/Switch is an integral part of a person's personality. It is who they are. Just like the skin color is an integral part of a person's physical body.
Forcing one of these guys to be a bottom when he is a top is wrong. 'I love you but you're a top and must be a bottom.' is a one way ticket to resentment, hatred, angst and bitterness on the part of the person who must (for the sake of our happiness) play at being a bottom when they do not want to or most likely cannot do that.
Pulling one's weight in a relationship is putting your stinky socks in the hamper over shoving them between the cushions of the couch. Pulling your weight in a relationship means you do something more than watch TV while the other does the housework, cooks, launders, etc. etc. etc.
Pulling your weight doesn't mean compromising who you are on a basic level in order to 'please' the other who loves you but.....
Let me tell you what these two guys really need to do.
They need to stop trying to be lover and be best of friends and allow each other to find a compatible lover - in others words, they both need to find themselves bottoms.
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