Hi, I'm questioning - - - -

[driftwood]

Hi everybody, I'm questioning because I have many questions and few answers. I have been bisexual for most of my life, but for most of it I lived as a heterosexual, and - at least for a while - I actually believed that I could just leave the other side turned off like it was a light switch. Both my wives knew I was bi, and both said that it terrified them, but for the most part, they were both very understanding. Both would sometimes dildo my behind - no strap-ons or anything like that, but well with my first wife it was more massaging my prostate, and the second would fuck my butt with dildos I made - they kept getting bigger and bigger. That helped to keep my hidden urges at bay for a while, but I was actually single for more years than I was married.

About ten years ago when my second marriage dissolved, I contacted some gay men online. I met two of them, but I didn't find either suitable, so I got scared, and went back to dating women. Then again a few years ago, I met a man online, and hooked up with him. I started going to a couple of gay bars, and had more hookups. I'm not really opposed to that sort of thing, but I think I want a relationship - or at least something more fulfilling and more lasting. Sometimes even a platonic friendship ...

Reading some of the posts - and some of the sidebar descriptions of the posters - I get the impression that quite a few members are in monogamous relationships, so my first two questions are these: how and where does a gay man meet other gay men for friendship, and how does he get to know friends well enough that intimacy eases naturally into the relationship, rather than as a quick tryst at the end of an evening of drinking? I guess I'm looking for something more similar to how it has worked in my relationships with women - shouldn't really be all that different should it.

I'll look forward to hearing your answers... comments... chuckles... pearls of wisdom...

~questioning

[CellarDweller]

It helps if you find someone who has the same likes as you.

Go to Google, and think of what activities you like to do, and search it, with 'gay' in front, and your area in the back.

Ex: Gay hiking, Roanoke.

You'll find other gay people who like what you do, and you could build some friendships.

It's how I found the gay bowling league I'm on.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

Actually most of us here are single. And out of that a decent chunk have been in long term relationships that failed for one reason or another. The rest have just arrived to adulthood and dating scene.

All of us who are single and pretty much up shit creek without a paddle, much like yourself.

The majority of single gay/bi men out there apparently are looking for a fuck buddy/just sex and not interesting in monogamy, long term relationships and the like.

And many who claim to actually don't do monogamy nor long term relationships.

What you had with women is predominately do to how society views women and sex.

A man has 100 sex partners he is called a stud. A woman who dares to have a tenth of that (just 10) is a slut/whore and various other derogatory things.

As such, women control/dominate how a straight relationship unfolds and how much sex there is during dating.

Guys don't have these controls, thus its a sexual free for all.

I'm not saying that all guys are like that, the majority are and oft times they pull those guys who ain't into this strange world of Grind'r, one night stands, open relationships where sex happens with as many individuals as possible.

It is the nature of the beast.

[Undreamt]

I've been with my bf for seven years, there isn't really a secret to it, just go into things with an open mind, be honest and communicate.

[Woollyhats]

Hello questioning! It's always nice when someone comes around to put the Q in LGBTq.

In response to your question...

I don't know if there's a secret to finding a partner really.

I've only been in three relationships. The first was with a girl who I connected with on an emotional level (obviously it didn't last, and it was a relationship that made me realize I'm gay and I'm not changing that), the second was long distance (which I ended because I learned the hard way I can't do that), the third was with a good friend who realized he liked me.

I often recommend online dating, because in that medium you know who is gay, you know who to flirt with, you can develop relationships or friends if you so choose over time. You do have to be careful though. You can get diseases ('friends') or hurt (trying to find a partner) if you do not take precautions.

If you want friends with benifits I suggest grindr or gaybars if those apply.

If you want to develop romantic interests I would suggest online sites, like pof, compatible partners, etc.

If you want friendships that evolve naturally into dating, I suggest joining LGBT support groups (kind of recommend anyway), and getting involved in recreational activites that are for lgbt persons or are steorotypical of having gay people involved in them (like art...).

There is no secret.

You can develop friends with benifits, romantic interests, or just make friends -- all of these options exist. Much of finding a partner relies on being in the right place and meeting the right people...

Lastly; you will find some gay people fear bisexuals, just as your wives did (sometimes worse). A lot of people have bad experiences with bisexuals and/or associate them with cheating. But you aren't worth less, and you can be faithful --- don't let anyone try to say anything else to you.

Stay around with us for awhile please .

[driftwood]

[QUOTE=Woollyhats;378370
If you want to develop romantic interests I would suggest online sites, like pof, .[/QUOTE]

Online is probably good for someone your age (maybe I should mention that I could be your grandfather). I've tried online, without success - if I don't lie about my age, I don't get responses. And then an ex-girlfriend told me she bumped into my profile when she made a mistake logging in (that was on pof). Others probably did also (and I'm definitely NOT out) - not really such a biggie though - rumors seem to have been going around about me most of my life - they're part of life - but I'm not on that online site nor on any other anymore.

A support group would be IDEAL!! I asked at a LGTB friendly place once, and they told me the only support group they have is for HIV-positive men. Maybe I could find a support group by utilizing Cellar's suggestion - worth a try anyway.

About the fear thing, I think some would rather keep it LGT and forget the B. That does make it hard - it's kind of universal - gay, straight, male, female all seem to distrust bi's. When I go to a gay bar, I don't identify myself as bi, but as gay, but some see through it. They only need to watch my eyes when a pretty girl walks into the room.

But thanks for the suggestions, and keep 'em comin' on.

~q

[driftwood]

OK Woolyhats, here's one for you! Under your screen name it says "Godlike", under CellarDweller it says "Beyond Godlike" - all very well, but under mine it says "Veteran" - BULL - how can I change that to "newbie" or "floundering" or "still kicking" - anything but "Veteran" - is it under my control?

~q

[VNight2014]

The titles are created by the number of posts you have

[Geminize]

Hey q, welcome to the forums. Guys like us skew the average age here a bit, but experience is a good thing right?

There are no secrets to meeting guys: it all depends on your personality, what you're looking for, and where you live. If you're in or near a big city you should be able to find a variety of gay groups. Some are focused on gay issues, but some are groups for hiking, biking, travel, singing, etc, but for LGBT. There are gay bars, of course, but that's not for everyone. Online dating is largely a young man's game, but I've had some success there. Just be honest about your age and what you're looking for, and have a lot of patience.

Being bi can be threatening to many people, gay and straight. That's more about their own insecurities than about you, as far as I'm concerned. It made me angry when I first came out with my bisexuality, but I get it. I told my current girlfriend on our 1st date. She was surprised, but ok with it. Last weekend we went to a burlesque show with male and female performers (her idea.) Now that was fun!

[Woollyhats]

Online is probably good for someone your age (maybe I should mention that I could be your grandfather). I've tried online, without success - if I don't lie about my age, I don't get responses. And then an ex-girlfriend told me she bumped into my profile when she made a mistake logging in (that was on pof). Others probably did also (and I'm definitely NOT out) - not really such a biggie though - rumors seem to have been going around about me most of my life - they're part of life - but I'm not on that online site nor on any other anymore.

A support group would be IDEAL!! I asked at a LGTB friendly place once, and they told me the only support group they have is for HIV-positive men. Maybe I could find a support group by utilizing Cellar's suggestion - worth a try anyway.

About the fear thing, I think some would rather keep it LGT and forget the B. That does make it hard - it's kind of universal - gay, straight, male, female all seem to distrust bi's. When I go to a gay bar, I don't identify myself as bi, but as gay, but some see through it. They only need to watch my eyes when a pretty girl walks into the room.

But thanks for the suggestions, and keep 'em comin' on.

~q

Hmm, I still wouldn't give up. There are other people like yourself looking for someone, worried that they're too old as well --- and a lot of gay men like older men, so you say you're 40, I wouldn't say it would be uncommon to find someone that's a decade younger even. A lot of older men are really creepy and try to get young guys, and I hope you don't do that, but I'm not your mother and can't tell you what to do.

I am happy you like the idea of support groups --- they sound boring because of the whole 'support group' name, but honestly they're a way to meet new friends, learn new things, and just be around people like yourself. If there are local universities or colleges, try calling them and asking if they have a group and if someone not attending the college can go to the group --- at the college I attend anyone can show up, so that's worth a try.

Also, your 'out status' is basically the people you tell. Openly gay people that everyone knows about told some people, and the rumours and reputation precede them.... There's no such thing as being 'fully out' unless you're famous or you sparkle with glitter and prance around, which is probably not something you do. Basically --- don't worry about being out or not, as long as your partner, and relevant friends know, you're fine, don't stress over something that isn't a problem.

And a lot of bi people do identfy as straight. I made a friend recently that pretended to be gay when he was talking to me, but told my boyfriend he was bi (my boyfriend is bisexual, so he obviously felt more comfortable). The thing is, is that I could tell. I didn't mind exactly, but when you're going out with someone, you might want to tell them just so they never feel like you're hiding anything. An awesome boyfriend isn't going to care anyway, because they're going to see the simple truth: If someone is going to cheat, they're going to cheat regardless of who they appreciate --- that is, you aren't twice as likely to cheat, you're either faithful or you aren't.

If someone GETS that it's someone you want.

OK Woolyhats, here's one for you! Under your screen name it says "Godlike", under CellarDweller it says "Beyond Godlike" - all very well, but under mine it says "Veteran" - BULL - how can I change that to "newbie" or "floundering" or "still kicking" - anything but "Veteran" - is it under my control?

~q

When you get to a 1 000+ posts, I think you can change it to whatever you want.

Before that, it changes every so often when you post more.

At 50+ posts, you open all of the basic features on the site, and you can even change your name (for example, there's a user that was named inthecloset and he changed his name to outofthecloset), if you so choose.