Dating advice: would I be a dick for doing this?

[TheOneAndOnly]

I know that pain is something you have to deal with in relationships (or more broadly, in life), that doesn't mean I won't try to avoid it. Besides, if I were trying to avoid all pain then "giving up interacting with human beings altogether" is pretty extreme advice. I assume you meant it as a hyperbole, but even so I doubt anyone would ever decide to forsake human contact even a little bit, fear of pain or no, and I further doubt that that would have any hope of helping you cope with pain; human contact helps me through tough times, not lonely solitude.

As for whether or not I love this guy, well, no I don't. I've only seen him 4 times for crying out loud, not to mention the fact that I've only ever loved one person in my life (and he turned out to be straight, THAT was fun...). Love is not something that happens quickly or often for me. If I loved him I wouldn't even be considering this other guy. Love is what I'm looking for and if I found it I probably would stick to that relationship.

You're right when you say that the tricky nature of love is to be selfless while being extremely selfish. I'm still learning that balance. There may not be a person that's best for me, but I'll bet there's a person who's better for me, and that's what gives me pause.

[Reece1997]

I don't think it's cheating but as others have said yes it's a dick move.

[TomStatic]

Go for the date with sam
Enjoy your options

[hank]

I wouldn't say it's necessarily bad, it will hurt Joe to say you are banging someone else. But perhaps the most painful thing for Joe is that you were banging him yet weren't attracted to him. You will feel bad. Especially if you meet up with Sam and he isn't all that great. A sexy body is only a part of a good thing. If you are out there for sexual conquest then rock on. If you are looking for a meaningful relationship with ether Sam or Joe you need to be honest. If you decide Joe is the right guy and Sam is just a fling or is married or something that makes him not available. You have to eventually come clean to Joe.

If you aren't interested in Joe, it's good to tell him. It will hurt him but he deserves that. But if you are window shopping for a sexier boyfriend you likely shouldn't really be talking about relationships.

I don't practice casual sex but I don't judge people that do. If I were Joe I would appreciate your honesty though I would be angry and a little hurt at first but I would recover quickly.

[nfisher1226]

Where I think you went wrong is that you had sex with guy 1 too soon, knowing that he is monogamy minded. It most likely meant a lot more to him than it did to you, and quite likely signaled a commitment of sorts. Where he went wrong was having sex with you too early and most likely imagining a commitment that wasn't there. Yet this involves a lot of speculation on my part. He may not think you're exclusive yet.

I doubt that last part though. There are a lot of rather desperate humans out there who are way too eager to jump right into a relationship before it can develop naturally. They almost universally get hurt, and yet few of them change this behavior in a timely fashion.

You really do need to get the scoop straight from the horse's mouth so to speak though. The fact that you're wondering about any of this at all is a sign that the two of you don't yet have the innate understanding of each other that a relationship requires. That's a problem. You should either try to solve that problem by really getting to know the guy, or else probably move on before you hurt him any more than you're already likely to do.

There is already a major bone of contention building. You want some "freedom" in a relationship, while he wants monogamy. That means that unless his definition of monogamy is different than mine he isn't going to want you to have sex with anyone else if you are in a relationship with him. So I'd say you have to ask yourself, are you really compatible at all? Unless you think there's some world in which you could be happy having sex with him, and only him, possibly for the rest of his life than no matter how much he matches what you are looking for you are most definitely NOT the right guy for him and ought to move on now. That's the most kind thing you could do IMO, but it really should be done with some discussion as to the reasons since you ARE dating and HAVE had sex a couple times.

This is not meant to sound harsh to you. It is what it is. People come with expectations and they clash, and it's a fact of life. I don't see you as a bad guy at this point and don't think you've done anything particularly inconsiderate at this point, but it would be good to think a minute before you cross a line and possibly cause a big mess. The fact that you're already questioning yourself instead of just going with it actually shows you to not be a dick. So as long as you don't ACT like a dick in the future, great.

[TheOneAndOnly]

The situation has been resolved. For those curious this is what happened.

I met with Sam for a date at a coffee shop. The date went well, he seemed like an interesting guy and he seemed interested in me as well. After that date we planned a second date for Sunday. Before then though Joe contacted me wanting to see me again, so I went over to his place and hung out with him and his roommates. I started to realize that I liked Joe. Sam was nice and all, but we didn't click that first date like me and Joe did. So I called it off with Sam.

Anyway, thanks for y'all's thoughts.

[CellarDweller]

Glad to hear the situation resolved itself.

For what it's worth, I didn't think it was cheating, however, you did need to be honest with Joe.

[CellarDweller]

really? Damn...that sucks!