Dating Dilemma! I need help!

[tj8891]

Hello everyone. Very new to the boards, simply because I need some advice. Anyway I might as well just get to my problem. I have been dating a guy, who I really like and really want to go further with for the last few months. Once we started dating, I had deleted all of my online profiles, and my Grindr account, just out of respect that something more could come from us dating. But, I have learned he still has his account and a friend of mine let me see it. It still said 'right now' on it, and I really didn't know how to take that. So, instead of keeping it quiet, I confronted him about it. He assured me it was just to make friends and that he has since deleted that part of it. Then proceeds to tell me he didn't think we were exclusive and was curious what I thought about our dating habits. He wanted to know if it was alright to see other people while we dated. He even told me that since we have started dating he has been with two other men as well. I kinda lost it after that emotionally. Since I don't know how dating should go, I had my own idea. And that is to date one person at a time, and see how it goes. Maybe we were just both on completely different pages. I still really like him, but after all of this I'm not sure what to do. Maybe I am overreacting to it, but it really was like a slap in the face, especially since he didn't feel the need to tell me. What do you think? What would you do if you were in my shoes? Is it really that big of a deal? Idk...I need help....any advice would be greatly appreciated!

[southbiochem]

mmmm

This is why communication is important..

sure, I probably would have assumed as well that you date one person at a time, but no everyone has that mindset..probably he assumed the opposite, that you were dating other people as well..

the question is: how serious are things right now between you 2? How do you project this relationship? How does he project it?

You need to sit down and discuss this, and find middle ground..

if he tells you you are on his long term plans, will you be able to cope for the moment not being the only one?

All in all, you should let him know that your mindset on dating is different and this upsets you

but, if it's not a serious thing yet I'm afraid you can't expect him to do the same..

the question is: are you willing to risk it, is it worth it to you getting involved in this with the hope of it becoming something more than what it is now?

[tj8891]

That's the thing, we should have made that clear when we first started dating, then we probably wouldn't be in this mess that we're in right now. He did tell me that out of the three guys( myself included) that he is dating, he wanted me to be 'the one'. And that is the way I felt about him too, I still do. Right now my problem is I can't handle the fact that he was with other men. To me that is a setup for at least two people to get hurt, and in my case, all four have been in one way or another. We are planning to sit down and talk face to face to work things out. He is the one that I want to get to know and someone I can see myself with in the future. He just feels like he let me down and that I will never look at him the same. Yeah, that might be on my mind, but there are far too many good things that could happen between us to outweigh that part that will be in the past. I just don't know how to prove that to him, and I don't know how to let him know how he can prove his trust to me as well.

[loserguy]

Sorry that you were hurt.
In my opinion you were correct to act as you did.
My question for you is: do you or can you trust him after this?
If we all choose our words carefully we can give acceptable answers but actions speak louder as we all know.
If you can still trust him then you may have a chance?
He says he hoped you were the one, yet he went with 2 other guys. What kind of bs is that?
He has been less that honest with you and has no respect for you either as his actions show.
If someone is serious about someone or even likes them a lot there should not be a need to discuss exclusivity, surely it is understood?
The evidence points to his being a player unable to commit and with regret I feel you should look for someone who can commit and let him play away without it impacting on you.
The very fact that he went behind your back shows me that he is not that into you.
I know you will be disappointed in my response but getting further involved will more than likely lead to lots of emotional distress down the road.

Should you decide to give him a go, it is he who needs to prove himself by winning your trust not the other way around.

Good Luck with whatever you decide to do.

[Chris]

I think you won't find the answer on this forum, there can be many of them. Sometime I was dating few guys at the same time as well but only because I wanted to be with someone so badly. Then I was in almost three years relationship and never cheated on my bf. Maybe yours is simply alone. On the other hand he might be a bastard, especially if had sex with other guys while dating you. If not you can only take a risk and eventually future will prove his honesty.

[Woollyhats]

If he wanted you to be the one, and you want to be the one too, perhaps you would actually be the one?

2+2 =/= 3 ??

Be careful, you're always at the risk of being played when things like this happen. Be careful when people go behind your back, especially this early in when he should be trying to make a good impression on someone he 'wants to be the one'.

In the same breath, many people take dating differently. Many people, when they say, "I am dating [person]" don't mean "I am exclusive with [person]". Which is annoying, but how some people are. Being clear on what you want will help with this a little bit.

[tj8891]

Thanks for your replies everyone. They were helpful, and I do agree I probably won't find my answer here. I was just hoping to get the opinion of others to see if I was in the wrong, since I am seriously doubting myself. I feel horrible about the entire situation, but I'd rather it be out in the open now, than a year down the road. I do like him, and I have to wait to hear from him again to find out more. I just hope I wasn't being played mostly because I was, and I still am falling for him. It doesn't help that he has a 4 yr old son who I adore as well. It really bites...

[Rosie]

To me dating is just that, dating. Unless you had a discussion about being exclusive he had no reason to assume that it was not ok for him to date other people. When I met my wife I was dating 3 people, I did not tell any of them that I was seeing other people because we were just getting to know each other. Once I realized that I had a special chemistry with my wife I told the others and broke things off. I also do not think that dating several people at once means that one is not interested in eventually becoming exclusive with one of them, I was very interested in each of the women I was dating.
Granted, I was dating these women for a little under 2 months, but I still feel that unless exclusivity has been agreed upon he did nothing wrong.

[dfiant1]

Rosie, if you were doing the right thing by dating 4 people at the same time, why couldn't you be transparent. Hiding the fact that you are dating 4 people at the same time says loudly and clearly that you knew you were doing the wrong thing and you could hurt the other peoples feelings...so how can you write a post saying that promiscuity is right?

The at the end why would you say that you think this guy dating the OP has done nothing wrong when you had to hide it from your 4 partners?

To the OP...I don't think you have done anything wrong. I would to be expecting that I was dating one person, not 2 or more. Dating more than one person at a time is like going to a smorgasboard restaurant and putting the cake, ice cream, chocalate mouse and the cheese cake on your plate and trying each one of them before deciding which one you want before throwing the other 3 to the side.

That is what I would expect from a partner because that is what I would expect from myself, so I understand what you are thinking. You have to do what is right for you because you have your own standards and morals that you want to live by and you have to do the right thing for yourself.

Some people can live with promescuity in a relationship, some people can't...we just have to find the right person who share our beliefs

[elad12]

I think like you do. I go into relationships with the idea that it's a one to one relationship. I guess this is a good lesson for you and I both. I'm not sure what it is but some people just think differently then we do. I do however think there is dating and then there is being in a relationship. To me dating is just that, dating but as soon as it moves beyond just a date and into the relationship realm then I don't think continuing to date other people is right. I'd never do it. I guess it's something to bring up somewhere between dating and starting a relationship