Toxic Parents

[Dreamer]

Click THIS LINK, then maybe you could relate, or (at least) know a fraction of what I've gone through my entire life.

My mother is a narcissistic alcoholic... way too much to deal with. She may be undiagnosed with some sort of personality disorder also... I don't know.

What I do know is that I've recently turned 24 years old, and I can't enable her craziness anymore, as it's been (and continues to be) very toxic to my growth and well-being.

Of course, I can't blame her for my personal decisions and downfalls in life, but (at the same time) I also can't deny that her mentality, manipulation, mental abuse, etc... hasn't contributed to at least some of my failures in life either..

I'm finally going to school to get my GED, despite many failed attempts, broken mentality, and failures to overcome the social anxiety, agoraphobia, etc.. that can come from living with a "toxic parent".

I'm moving out for the 3rd time in my life, since living with her, and I'm scared; maybe due to my complacency, and twisted comfort to all I've ever known. I want a better life, and I can't enable her behavior anymore...

Can anyone relate?

Does anyone have any advice to give from personal experience when dealing with such a parent or loved one?

Thanks...

[Rainbowmum]

Sweetheart the best thing you can do is to get as far away from it as possible.
You can't beat her addiction for her ,you have to leave before the sea of negativity drowns you.

This is not an easy step to take and I have no doubt she will attempt to manipulate you.
You have to be strong for the future you.

We are all here for you.

[Pix]

My mom gave me up almost right away to her mom to take care of but took me back just to hurt her mom shortly before I turned 5. She and dad were terrible dysfunctional drunks, more neglectful than abusive once I learned to stay out of their way, though it was still criminal and not "benign neglect" or "apathy" but the kind that made me realize I was on my own, and I had to create strategies to feed myself sometimes.

I saw a lot of violence between them that shook me up and learning to hide fast. Like when Dad busted through a window while drunk (with a restraining order against him) in such a fury I was sure he was going to kill us both (and probably would've if things had happened a little differently, and he also almost killed me and mom by vandalizing the brake pad in his beloved car Mom won from him in the divorce). I saw Mom try to use a shotgun on Dad, too, but she was either too drunk or ignorant to switch the safety off (I do have to give Dad credit for not beating the crap out of her with the shotgun, just taking it from her and giving it to someone else in another house to hold).

Mom forced me to live with her so she could get child support for her booze and smokes. And of course the courts have the dumb ass idea that the mother is automatically the best place for a child no matter what the child has to say.

Once things calmed down it got very dreary and depressing. (I hate when I dream being back there, I'd literally rather have scary nightmares.) Her beloved beauty was fading and she had nothing left really, she spent most of her time in her room drinking, sleeping, and listening to music, sometimes the same song over and over. I can't hear Father Figure by George Michael or Candle in the Wind by Elton John without flashing back to those days. She'd talk to me sometimes, usually calling me into her room where she was lonely and often drunk, and talk about her old modeling career (and why I could never be a model myself) or conspiracy theories about Marilyn Monroe (seems many models admire her, along with singers who still write songs in tribute to her to this day). Of course she never showed any interest in me...but when she'd pass out drunk I'd still her brandy to trade for food (she got it with child support meant for me after all, so I felt justified).

When my best friend decided to run away from home I decided I'd go with her because I loved my friend and she loved me, but my parents didn't (and I couldn't go to Granny's, especially not with her, the courts saw to that). My best friend died and I was terrified into running back home by a psycho cop obsessed with me (out of sexual desire as opposed to his job) and I'd missed by 16th birthday as I was still on the streets but she didn't ask me anything or wish me a belated happy birthday when I showed up. I asked her what Dad said about me being gone and he said he didn't know, and that she couldn't tell anyone I'd run off as she'd lose her child support!

I found out years later that Granny called but Mom lied to her about me not wanting to talk to her anymore so that she could keep Granny from finding out I was on the streets as a runaway. I believe she told my school I'd gone back to live with Granny again (as I did sometimes).

School put me in an Adaptive Behavior Class after I came back and I stayed there a few months until almost the end of the school year but when they threatened to return me to a teen gulag (and what I call an "outpost of Hell on Earth") I changed my appearance and assumed a new name to run away...my plan had been to get to Los Angeles where I knew some runaways I'd met had gone off to but it didn't work out the way I intended (for the best).

I didn't return to visit family until I was nearly 22. Mom still didn't care much about me. I found out Dad continued to pay child support until I was 18, he only found out I'd left home when I told him...and he was angry at me for being so selfish as to not tell him so he could stop paying child support when I left (but then Mom WOULD report me). Dad didn't ask how I survived either, and it wasn't because he didn't want to hear stories of pain, he simply didn't care. I kinda find it funny he had the gall to call me selfish.

Getting away from them, even as a runaway (at least the second time, but I probably wouldn't have been brave enough the 2nd time had it not been for the first), but I was lucky...extremely lucky. (And I did suffer on the streets, including years of nightmares over what happened and a permanent scar on my neck from when my throat was cut and when I finally got away from him I had to evade the cops and hospital as much as making sure he didn't catch me again, but still I consider myself very lucky...it could've been much worse than it was.)

You're an adult so it could work much better for you. Personally, I'd advise you not to be too proud to get on welfare as a "step up" though don't expect it to actually get you through, at best it will just keep you from starving. Jobs aren't plentiful right now so I don't know what kind of niche you could find, and if you choose the route of schooling then I'd suggest a community college to start with as they're actually affordable (or close to it anyway). Too bad you live in the USA, it's not a good place to be homeless. But all the same, for all its hardship I bet you never choose to go back to your mom!

[Pix]

My mom gave me up almost right away to her mom to take care of but took me back just to hurt her mom shortly before I turned 5. She and dad were terrible dysfunctional drunks, more neglectful than abusive once I learned to stay out of their way, though it was still criminal and not "benign neglect" or "apathy" but the kind that made me realize I was on my own, and I had to create strategies to feed myself sometimes. I saw a lot of violence between them that shook me up and learning to hide fast. Like when Dad busted through a window while drunk (with a restraining order against him) in such a fury I was sure he was going to kill us both (and probably would've if things had happened a little differently, and he also almost killed me and mom by vandalizing the brake pad in his beloved car Mom won from him in the divorce). I saw Mom try to use a shotgun on Dad, too, but she was either too drunk or ignorant to switch the safety off (I do have to give Dad credit for not beating the crap out of her with the shotgun, just taking it from her and giving it to someone else in another house to hold). After the divorce Mom forced me to live with her so she could get child support for her booze and smokes. And of course the courts have the dumb ass idea that the mother is automatically the best place for a child no matter what the child has to say.

Once things calmed down it got very dreary and depressing. (I hate when I dream being back there, I'd literally rather have scary nightmares.) Her beloved beauty was fading and she had nothing left really, she spent most of her time in her room drinking, sleeping, and listening to music, sometimes the same song over and over. I can't hear Father Figure by George Michael or Candle in the Wind by Elton John without flashing back to those days. She'd talk to me sometimes, usually calling me into her room where she was lonely and often drunk, and talk about her old modeling career (and why I could never be a model myself) or conspiracy theories about Marilyn Monroe (seems many models admire her, along with singers who still write songs in tribute to her to this day). Of course she never showed any interest in me...but when she'd pass out drunk I'd still her brandy to trade for food (she got it with child support meant for me after all, so I felt justified).

When my best friend decided to run away from home I decided I'd go with her because I loved my friend and she loved me, but my parents didn't (and I couldn't go to Granny's, especially not with her, the courts saw to that). My best friend died and I was terrified into running back home by a psycho cop obsessed with me (out of sexual desire as opposed to his job) and I'd missed by 16th birthday as I was still on the streets but she didn't ask me anything or wish me a belated happy birthday when I showed up. I asked her what Dad said about me being gone and he said he didn't know, and that she couldn't tell anyone I'd run off as she'd lose her child support!

I found out years later that Granny called but Mom lied to her about me not wanting to talk to her anymore so that she could keep Granny from finding out I was on the streets as a runaway. I believe she told my school I'd gone back to live with Granny again (as I did sometimes).

School put me in an Adaptive Behavior Class after I came back and I stayed there a few months until almost the end of the school year but when they threatened to return me to a teen gulag (and what I call an "outpost of Hell on Earth") I changed my appearance and assumed a new name to run away...my plan had been to get to Los Angeles where I knew some runaways I'd met had gone off to but it didn't work out the way I intended (for the best).

I didn't return to visit family until I was nearly 22. Mom still didn't care much about me. I found out Dad continued to pay child support until I was 18, he only found out I'd left home when I told him...and he was angry at me for being so selfish as to not tell him so he could stop paying child support when I left (but then Mom WOULD report me). Dad didn't ask how I survived either, and it wasn't because he didn't want to hear stories of pain, he simply didn't care. I kinda find it funny he had the gall to call me selfish.

Getting away from them, even as a runaway (at least the second time, but I probably wouldn't have been brave enough the 2nd time had it not been for the first), but I was lucky...extremely lucky. (And I did suffer on the streets, including years of nightmares over what happened and a permanent scar on my neck from when my throat was cut and when I finally got away from him I had to evade the cops and hospital as much as making sure he didn't catch me again, but still I consider myself very lucky...it could've been much worse than it was.)

You're an adult so it could work much better for you. Personally, I'd advise you not to be too proud to get on welfare as a "step up" though don't expect it to actually get you through, at best it will just keep you from starving. Jobs aren't plentiful right now so I don't know what kind of niche you could find, and if you choose the route of schooling then I'd suggest a community college to start with as they're actually affordable (or close to it anyway). Too bad you live in the USA, it's not a good place to be homeless. But all the same, for all its hardship I bet you never choose to go back to your mom!

[Pix]

Oh, almost forgot: if you go to homeless shelters, don't tell anyone you're gay! It's not worth it.

[southbiochem]

Nope, don't have that kind of toxic parents, thankfully..

but I can say this: 24 years old..that's a good age to pack the bags and go.

You don't need no negative environment like that. You deserve better.

Also, she needs professional help. You can't give it to her. She can't give it to herself..this is beyond any of you..

I agree with Rainbowmum, she will probably try to guilt trip you into staying..

if anything I would go unannounced and leave a note..just so she doesn't get a chance

I guess, my only advice for you is: keep in check your economical situation. If you're in no shape to support yourself, or partially, then contact, if you have any, people than can help you.

The last thing you want is having to come back there out of lack of money

stay strong! this is the first step into improving your situation

[CellarDweller]

just pack your bags and run, as long as you can support yourself.

[MisterTinkles]

I can SO relate!

My momma was a self-centered, egotistical, two-faced, hypocrite! She was also a compulsive liar, thief, cheat, and backstabber.

She constantly and consistently lied to me and my sister, on just about everything. I ended up not being able to afford chef college because of her lies to me. I had a chance, literally, to slit the bitchs throat for it, but I was so mad I almost blacked out....and I couldnt get my legs to move me out of the chair I was in, I was so furious. Bitch is SO fucking lucky my legs were not cooperating!!!!

NOBODY in the family was allowed to do ANYTHING, unless it was for HER benefit. If you did, she would make up a lie and tell the "husband du jour" so he would come home after work and beat you for it. Of course, me being the boy, I always got the worst of it all.

She constantly flaunted her "power" and "wealth" in our faces. She ONLY told us that she "loved" us, in front of other people, when it made her look good in public. Otherwise we were pieces of shit, and she had no qualms about telling me so, almost on a daily basis.

I remember one "vacation" me and my sister was forced to go on with them. We stopped at a Dennys for lunch. Me and my sister were not allowed to order anything more than what the CHEAPEST meal on the menu was, while SHE ordered the most expensive. She knew me and my sister loved cheesecake, so anytime we went out to eat....including this time.......she would order cheesecake, refuse us to order any, and eat it really, REALLY slow in front of us!!!

She made promises she never kept, on a daily basis. Then when we confronted her about it, she would say "I never said no such thing"!!!! That was her standard reply for just about everything......"I never said no such thing".

For the summers, instead of asking me and my sister if we wanted to go to a summer camp......she would pack our bags without us knowing, and then have them in the car trunk, ready. Then when the day came, she would tell us she was taking us to the mall or to go clothes shopping......when in reality, she drove to the location where they were picking up kids going to some camp. She would tell us to get out of the truck and she would be back in two weeks, then she sped off.

She ALWAYS had the most expensive clothes, while I had to fend for myself. It got so bad when I was in high school, my grandma had to make shirts for me, because the cunt called "mother" could not be bothered to buy me any clothes anymore. She claimed I was "growing too fast, and it was a waste of money". Of course I was made fun of for wearing home made clothes. I really didnt care.
At least I didn't have to go to school nekkid.

She died a horrible death, alone. I don't think I ever wished that on her, but she treated EVERYBODY as if they were her personal slaves, and beneath her. Even my grandma told me one time that she was born above her calling, and was hard to deal with when she was in her teens. So, maybe she got what she deserved in the end.

[Woollyhats]

I made a really big post about how I related. Didn't want to post it.

Your best move is to separate yourself from your mother permanetely.

Do Not: Hate her, like her, love her.

Do: Just let her live her life, separately from you. Absolve yourself of her.

Truly getting over an abusive parent means finding a way to reconcile yourself, and letting all feelings towards that parent go. This is hard: They deserve hate, you automatically love them and want their love. You want them to suffer; to see the error of their ways. You must let this go. It is not relevant to your life. You must choose to let them exit your life.

In this you find freedom and independence from your past.

I do relate Dreamer, I am sorry you've gone and are going through this.

[Evan88]

I can't really relate but if i was on your shoe... It would be best to part ways and have your own life...

I don't really know much of your entire relationship history with your mother, but all I know is...being with a Narcissistic Alcoholic is really hard to deal with..

Being around with people who are Narcissistic Alcoholic can really impede your growth since they can be controlling, critical, and they think highly of themselves... and this will not be good for you in the long run

I acknowledge though that having that kind of disorder was caused by her emotional baggages in life, probably depression, relationship problems etc... It's not easy to have a disorder like that.

I believe if your mom has a clear mind and doesn't have that kind of disorder, she would be happy if you would go and progress in life

All the best