Do I have depression / anxiety?

[Tyrion]

Hey everyone...

So just to start, I'm generally a fairly happy person, or at least try to be. I'm a full time college student and have a handful of good friends. Almost everyone I really know thinks of me as someone with a lot of confidence and a positive attitude. The problem is, I don't really feel that way about myself. Though I try, in a lot of ways I'm just very terrified of everything. I always feel like I'm going to be rejected.. like I'm never going to be successful at the things I really want in life.. like a career or a relationship.

Even though I'm good at hiding it, I'm often very nervous when simply talking to people I'm unfamiliar with. Half of the time I don't even know what to say and just feel awkward. I can do one on ones with people.. but talking in front of a group or something, even just to introduce myself is terrifying. I'm constantly nervous or worried.. and it's been getting worse. It's like I always feel like I'm going to say or do something stupid..

On top of that, I have all these things I want to do in life.. all this passion.. I love art and creating things, and writing.. but have absolutely no self confidence about any of it.. even when my work is complimented or praised. For instance.. last quarter we had to write and send an article to the editor of our newspaper. I wrote something on a current political issue that was going on at the time, and it was the only one to be published. I honestly thought it sucked and was embarrassed to even send it in..

That's just an example, but I'm ALWAYS very harsh on myself to the point where I almost see no reason to proceed with the things I'm supposedly good at.

Though I pretty much always feel this way, some days are better than others. For the past few weeks or so I've been doing alright. I've been involving myself in a few clubs at our college.. helping with projects.. but this week I've been so depressed and down that I just want to say fuck it. I've apparently stopped talking to a few friends.. who then assumed I was ignoring them and bitched me out about it.. basically calling me a dick and a bad friend. I wasn't intentionally being rude.. I just needed space for myself.. but it just makes it worse.

I'm not really sure what I'm trying to say here.. I think attempting to describe how I feel is almost beyond words.. but sometimes, like right now, my motivation level is so low and I feel so empty that I'd like to just isolate myself from everyone and everything. I don't know if I have a mental illness or something.. but I wanted to get someones take on this...

Also, not looking for a pity party, but I grew up in a very bad household with an abusive drunken father who beat my mother in front of me for the first 6 or 7 years of my life. and then grew up with an alcoholic and completely unstable mother who blamed me for all of her problems. On top of it I'm physically "disabled".. so that doesn't exactly help matters. Now I just feel lonely most of the time.. yet in some ways I almost feel like that's the way I prefer to be, if that makes sense at all.

Anyway, not really sure what I'm looking for by posting this. Maybe just to tell someone how I feel, because in "real life" I doubt I could ever really get this out. I've been considering trying an anti-depressant or something, but I wonder if that's really even something I want to do. All in all I'm not a big fan of being drugged all the time...

Any thoughts? Sorry for the randomness.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

Everyone wears masks. Most people are anxious about life, but they pretend they ain't.

[Chris]

I think anti-depressants won't help. They only hide problems, don't resolve them. You can feel an instant relief which will very likely go away in the end of treatment. Therapy is a better idea, especially considering your childhood.

It looks like you don't accept yourself and have a lot of complexes. What's wrong that you don't feel comfortable in a big group of people. I prefer face to face conversations or maximum in a group of two. Sometimes I have this feeling it would be nice to be a self-confident rock star but after all I like myself the way I am.

Maybe you think other people are happier but it's only an impression. You probably don't know them enough. In the beginning I would recommend more sport like swimming or running to relax and also try to think positively.

[Tyrion]

Maybe..

To be honest after reading my post back I sound a little crazy... lol.

I guess the main thing is that I usually have this deep sinking feeling.. so it's very hard to feel happy or comfortable with whatever I'm doing. Almost like a paranoia.

Today I feel 80% better, which makes me wonder if I have depression or something, My sister is "border line personality" disorder, and I'm pretty sure my mom is bi-polar.

I'm not nearly that extreme but I obviously have my issues and a lot of insecurities. Anyway thanks for your responses and feedback.

[VileKyle]

I think anti-depressants won't help.

That's not entirely true. Anti-depressants are a good tool to help, but they should always be used with therapy under close watch. The problem is that everyone reacts to them differently, so it's hard to tell which medication will actually help you. It's also hard to self-medicate with them, since if you do actually take the right kind, it takes a long time with the right dosage to actually build up properly and help out. They can also have bad side-effects, which adds another reason for a trained professional to keep tabs on you with them.

And like I said, they are a tool. You're still right that therapy is the right place to start. Don't just start popping pills.

[marshlander]

I would second the suggestion that some counselling from a trained therapist might be a way forward. It sounds as though you may be mildly depressed (that's not a put-down, it's a description), but I can only say this because I recognise some of those feelings and have received help. There are people who will tell you that you can treat your own depression. I think those people may not have experienced depression in all its debilitating horror.

Anti-depressants can help, but as VK said, you need to do that under proper medical supervision. I found that A-Ds gave me some space where I did not feel under so much pressure. After a year I came off them, because I had got to a stage with the help of psychotherapy where I felt that they were no longer doing for me anything I couldn't do for myself. Whatever, it can't do any harm to talk to a professional. If you do end up in talking therapy, take account that some therapists suit our needs better than others. Like finding the right A-D prescription, finding the right therapist for you can be a bit of a challenge.

Krzysztof mentioned taking up some active pursuits to make sure you are fitter physically. These have also proven to have some beneficial effects.

Best wishes to you.

[dfiant1]

For sure, sounds like you just need to talk to someone. Just find a nice counsellor and have a chat.

medication should be an absolute last resort and not a first option that the 'victim' wears as a badge of honour to excuse yourself from bad behaviour.

[Tyrion]

Thanks everyone. I actually did talk to a therapist in the past, but it was for very short period of time. I just felt I did not have a connection with her. I think I will try again, because I'm tired of the constant anxiety. All of the replies are much appreciated and helpful <3.

[megumidesu]

Thanks everyone. I actually did talk to a therapist in the past, but it was for very short period of time. I just felt I did not have a connection with her. I think I will try again, because I'm tired of the constant anxiety. All of the replies are much appreciated and helpful <3.

it took me such a long time to find a therapist who works for me.
if you don't have a connection with your current one , ask for another ...

[CellarDweller]

I'm sorry that you're so stressed about this! I can only echo what others said, find a good counselor/therapist. That can work wonders.