So far in my life, I have to say that it hasn't been a very normal life. Sure, there have been times where I have been very grateful, such as the fact that I have always had a roof over my head, which I think is the reason I can still wake up in the morning, but as the days and months go by I'm finding it harder to wake up mostly because of where I started and where my life has gone so far. Currently I'm living with my terminally ill mother who I take care of and my drug and alcohol addicted father. Ever since high school I have been dealing with depression and social anxiety so no matter how hard i've tried to go to college, have a job, hell even just make a friend, it usually ends with me running away in a panic attack. I have been on every anti-depressant (literally, my psychiatrist once gave me a list and I was able to check off every pill on the list), and I have tried every therapy treatment out there, partial hospitalizations, day treatment programs, multiple therapists, with little to no success. I think my problem is that it's always been said of me that I'm a very self aware person which is nice to figure out what is wrong with me, but when going through treatment exercises, it's also easy for me to find the faults of each exercise as it relates to my situation so it's hard for me to just go with it.
I could rattle off all of the bad things that have happened to me since high school really and why all of this holding me back, but at this point I'm a bit sick of telling people from therapists to social workers over and over everything that happened to me so my question is, has anybody ever tried to leave it all behind and start their lives anew in some place where they no longer had to worry about leaving their bedroom because they don't want to smell cocaine burning in the next room or try to convince their mother over and over that we both need to leave this personal hell if they want to really live? I'm at a point of dreaming of packing my clothes and selling anything I can just so I could have enough gas money to live out of my car. I currently abuse my anxiety medicine and take any other over the counter medicine that makes you drowsy just so I can be numb from everything around me. After years of trying to make changes, I have resorted to this option because honestly I have no more fight left in me. It's why I want to leave so bad, I feel it would allow me to see that there is another world out there, a world worth fighting for again. Has anybody else ever fought what seemed to be an impossible situation in order to get their life back?
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You stated you are a very self aware person, and that this is preventing you from achieving success. I would argue the opposite; being self aware enables you to understand your limitations, and in doing do, extend them. If you remember your multiple 'smarts' test if you took one in highschool, INTRApersonal intelligence would have been on that --- and your teacher may have commented that intrapersonal is perhaps the most valuable intelligence you can have.
So yes, you can understand and see how a standardized treatment might not work for you, and in a state where everything seems to fail, you just feel like the trend it going to continue. You have to be optimistic about your treatments though. It's easier to be cynical, but if you want change you have to fight for and believe in it. THIS MEANS TELLING YOUR DOCTOR YOUR CONCERNS. For example, if you find yourself thinking, "This isn't going to work for me because..." you need to talk about it, rather than just giving up on it.
More importantly in my opinion (and perhaps even a huge cause of the anxiety and need for the medication in the first place) is your home environment. Home is supposed to be a safe haven from the world -- which is obviously isn't for you. No wonder your stress is so high.
You have multiple pyschological problems, many as a result of the environment you are in. In an effort to reduce them you very much need to consider leaving your home life, fr your own good. I would advice you to apply for community housing if your community has it (your mother can apply with you and be put on this list), and if you feel your mental state is detrimental enough talk to your doctor about applying for disability. If your mother is going to come with you, sometimes a disability request will be expedited if one is terminally ill, such as your mother, so discuss that option with her. If you can, I sincerely believe that you should try to work, save, and move out. But I realize in many circumstances this is difficult, and depending on the severity of your issues it may not be possible. I'm not your doctor and can't make that call. I will say to realize that your brain is an organ like your heart, and that if it is not working neither are you.
Talk to your doctor about medical documentation and talk to your community centre. I do believe you are capable of achieving a normal, functioning, and productive life, but as long as you exist in this environment that's not happening -- and the psychological impact is very much going to affect you. You may find that when you leave your home environment that much of your anxiety may begin to alleviate itself, in addition to other issues you may be experiencing.
Once you are out of your unhealthy environment, look towards work, save for or go to school, get involved in your community. DO NOT STAY STAGNANT. Give back to your community through social events, volunteer work, a job, saving for or getting an education, and perhaps allow yourself to imagine that someday you will support yourself on your own and have left your unhealthy homelife behind. Again, it may be tempting to become complacent and lax, but you are capable and very much should reach towards a career...
All of this will take a lot of time and effort; and in your state (especially if you're depressed) you're going to want to lay in bed, and do nothing. But it's important that if you want your life to be different, that you make the difficult choices, that you are active in deciding where you're life is going, and you put yourself into an environment where you're healthy and can succeed. Remember, you're not a tree, if you don't like where you are, you can look at options that will enable you to move.
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Escapism is a great fantasy, however I fear that no matter where you go you will be there and still have a lot of 'stuff' to deal with.
I did the running to/from thing. Until I moved into this place over 16 years ago, I never stayed in one place longer than three years. And I would do serious geographic changes, moving from state to state, not just across down.
While at first each move brought with it hope and a lot of new experiences to keep my mind occupied, eventually, a few months latter the baggage I carried with me would slowly unpack and the same old shitty feelings and crap would be there again and the newness of the place wasn't 'hiding' the crap from view.
So there is a minor reward in the short term with escapism, long term you are still who and what you are and you carry all of that crap with you.
I also did mountains of meth and drank oceans of alcohol. Like you trying to numb the emotions. That doesn't work well my friend, if anything it only makes those issues worse, and brings with it its own set of problems.
Are you on Federal Disability? You most likely can get on it, understand they will deny you automatically the first and second time. Its part of the process. it is a shitty process for people like you because you don't have the strength to deal with this form of rejection, however if you can do the 2 year process you will have at least something remotely approaching financial 'security' a minor pension, plus medical insurance.
Since you have been on every medication, and you have a psychiatrist, hospital stay, etc, you are a shoo in for disability. Keep that in mind. Just having that process going on to get you on disability will give you some hope - hope that you will survive until the day the checks start coming in.
Mom. Mom is dying. That isn't going to set well with most people, even normal healthy (emotionally healthy) people would struggle with that. Furthermore you are a caregiver - care giving is a lot of hard work - maybe not laborious in a physical manner, but it is emotionally/psychologically hard work.
She most likely has no energy, no will to up and move and die someplace else. So you are going to have to stick it out there.
Try the more practical approach here. Sit down and think of a real 'get away' plan. One that isn't merely running, but making plans/goals for your own future. It is different than selling everything and living out of your car (which won't work long, you'll end up losing the car and what stuff you have left and end up in a homeless shelter or under a bridge).
Do what you can to make this a reality, apply for SSI/SSD, start sorting through your material stuff and deciding what really can be sold, perhaps put it on Ebay or one of those auction type sites and sell a little here, a little there - not all at once, do a little research as to your stuffs value.
Take into account mom's diagnosis and the prognosis. You said terminal illness, that means there is a completion date here. While it isn't a pretty goal, it is a goal, and one you most likely want to see through, attending mom until she shuffles off this mortal coil. It is a positive goal, the completion of life is an important matter and I assure you if you assist her until she completes life you will feel better about the whole situation now and in the long future.
As for abusing medications, make yourself 24 hour 'pacts'.. I won't use for this day, tomorrow I will use. When tomorrow comes you can reinvest in another 24 hours - or not - let tomorrow take care of itself. Just work with today when it comes to this.
Ultimately, all of this will pass. This year will fade into the past, this day will fade into the past. You need to learn to keep the past exactly where it is, the past.
Yes I know, its really, really hard to forget the past. I don't have a pretty past either and there are days when it is a struggle to keep a perspective. Practices perfects the process and it does get easier to keep the past 'back there' the more you do it.
Just try to take life for what it is today, don't try to fix the past, and don't invest to much concern into the future. It is a learned skill, you can learn it and things will get easier (no there is no cure, I'm sorry).
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Put your mother into a nursing home, sell everything you can sell out of the house, and leave.
Pick a place that sounds interesting to you and just go.
I have literally had to start over so many times in my life, I lost count. But it had to be done.
You have to take care of you at some point, because nobody else is going to do it.
If you stay stuck where you are at, then your problems will keep on getting bigger, deeper, and more abusive. Get your mother into a care unit and just go.
If you dont go while you have the gumption to do so, you never will.
Fly and be free....leave the garbage heap behind.
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Why not try the 24 hour pact , at least it will give you control over your own body.
You may also find that your thought process will solve and resolve issues with clarity.
Have you received any help from palliative care ,you need to contact them as soon as possible.
You should not put so much pressure on yourself ,contact help for your mother.
Right now i you tried to escape you would only be hurting yourself ,guilt has very nasty habit of dwelling beneath the surface.
We are all here for you.
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caspy123 Wrote:Has anybody else ever fought what seemed to be an impossible situation in order to get their life back?
If I didn't know any better, I would've thought you were writing about me!
I would say, get off the anxiety meds ASAP! Your using them as a vice to escape your enhanced sense of reality (enhanced being the problem) . Get on something non-addictive, medication wise, if you so choose to do so. Regardless, get a good therapist or confide in a friend.... if you don't have friends... well, unfortunately, you have to make some to reach that point... or if anything, learn self-talk techniques to overcome your most difficult mental obstacles (that's what's worked for me the most).
Look into Buddhism, you don't have to believe in the details, but absorb the basic concepts; I'm an atheist myself, but that philosophy, (despite karma's law and the reincarnation aspects) has helped me alot!... Otherwise, invest your time in yoga or some sort of exercise to relieve your anxiety!
Move out when you have the funds to do so, and continue your education (assuming you aren't where you'd like to be), to get further ahead in life, money-wise.
You can't save your father or mother, no matter how hard that reality may be to accept. You must invest in your well-being and satisfaction to rid yourself of this darkness, and move on to a better standing in this life!
Listen, I'm technically in the same boat as you, in many ways, so just believe in yourself, and good things will come. Living by yourself (whether living in a car or otherwise) is the first step to attaining peace and a drama-free life!
In the end, it's all in your hands.
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MisterTinkles Wrote:Put your mother into a nursing home, sell everything you can sell out of the house, and leave.
Most people who end up caring for their parents don't want to send their folk to one of those places where they get bed sores, pneumonia and die earlier than they should. 
Then there is the long term consequences if he 'gives up' and tosses mom to a nursing home, he will always - ALWAYS - wonder if he did the right thing, if he was a good son, if he should have stuck it out longer....
He should talk to doctor(s) involved in the case to weigh the options for palliative care. If the feel that she would fare better at home, then he needs to figure out how much he can do and how much visiting nursing and others can do for him.
Just because his mom has a terminal illness does not mean she is ready for end of life hospital care. Never know, she might have a terrible fear of hospital and has begged to die at home. If she begged this kid, then he has that to wrestle with.
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Thank you for the uplifting responses. As for putting my mother in a nursing home, we had a bad experience with my grandmother so of course she made me promise not to do that and I would also be left alone with my drug addicted father which would only make my anxiety worse. I've already been denied SS once and now I have a lawyer doing all of that for me which is nice but I still worry the amount of money won't be enough for me to leave. I do know that this environment is mostly the cause for my depression because when I was in college living with roommates, I never needed any kind of anti-depression medication and I honestly can't remember really being sad except for the odd breakup of a relationship which would make anybody sad. I still had my horrible anxiety, something that i've always lived with, but at the time it didn't really contribute to any kind of depression. It wasn't until I was on a date where I was attacked which caused my anxiety to spin out of control and I eventually had to move home away from everything that made me happy and since then living in this environment with nobody for support is really what set off my depression. It's the reason I fantasize about leaving because I know that I was once at a place where my life was in control and ever since I moved back home that control has completely disappeared. I know it sounds crazy, the idea of living in a car, but it makes me think of being in a place of happiness like where I was. A less crazy idea I had was actually to check into a rehab center since I have been having this pill popping problem although I wrestle with the idea because I don't know whether or not my problem is serious enough for such a place. Honestly I only do it when my panic takes over from seeing my mother collapsed on the floor or smelling the burning plastic from my father's crack pipe and while overtaking medication calms me down I hate that my brain turns to mush and most of the time I spend the next few days puking my guts out so I would rather not do it, it's just that I've tried every type of relaxation exercise that I've learned from the multiple therapies I've been in and the problem is i've had so many bad things happen to me that now I find even the smallest (which those events are by no means small) is enough to send me into a panic. So at this point a few weeks stay in a rehab facility would sound rather nice and I wouldn't starve to death in my car. I know leaving my mom would be hard but at this point, I'm not going to survive long if I don't do something to save myself.
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