He proposed to me and I said no

[TonyAndonuts]

What exactly are the pros and cons of marriage anyway? Kind of off topic, but I wanna know since it's something our community is fighting for so fiercely.

[Undreamt]

I once heard someone say that marriage is never for yourself, its always for the other person.

The only reason not to get married would be if you planned to break up, you said that you have been together 7 years, have you been living together? If so how long?
In some countries that is enough time for the partner to claim defacto-marriage and a breakup could be just as messy.
At least with a marriage there are alot of legal precedents already setup and it gives you alot more rights as a couple.

[Pix]

What exactly are the pros and cons of marriage anyway? Kind of off topic, but I wanna know since it's something our community is fighting for so fiercely.

Just one reason out of many why it matters...

http://www.tcpalm.com/news/2008/jun/25/w...ied-visit/

The family vacation cruise that Janice Langbehn, her partner Lisa Marie Pond and three of their four children set out to take in February 2007 was designed to be a celebration of the lesbian couple's 18 years together.

But when Pond suffered a massive stroke onboard before the ship left port and was rushed to Jackson Memorial Hospital, administrators refused to let Langbehn into the Pond's hospital room. A social worker told them they were in an "anti-gay city and state."

Langbehn filed a federal lawsuit Wednesday charging the hospital with negligence and "anti-gay animus" in refusing to recognize her and the children as Pond's family, even after a power of attorney was faxed to the hospital within an hour of their arrival

"No matter what your definition of family is, this family went through terrible indignities," said Donald Hayden, a Miami lawyer who joined the national advocacy group Lambda Legal in bringing the suit. "The partners here did everything they were supposed to do under law and were still denied visitation rights that should have been allowed."

Jackson officials declined to comment, except to say that the hospital follows state and federal laws on patient privacy that can forbid releasing health information to those outside the patient's immediate family.

Pond, 39, was pronounced dead of a brain aneurysm about 18 hours after being admitted to Jackson's Ryder Trauma Center. Langbehn said she was allowed in to see her partner only for about five minutes, as a priest gave Pond the last rites.

"I never thought almost 20 years of love and family could be disregarded in an instant," said Langbehn, a social worker who lives with her children in Lacey, Wash.

And from a man's PoV:




More reasons that are more subtle yet important:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/stephen-h-...07860.html

In short, marriage makes a couple family in the eyes of the law, which is incredibly important when it comes to hospital visitation and medical rights, and also for taxes, adoption, and a host of other things. Civil unions do not make people family and therefore you are no more than roomies, which means the police or hospital cannot even alert you if anything goes wrong, and the family of the other can take what they want if they can say it was theirs, or deny you visitation or even going to the funeral, because they are family--and you are not. Marriage changes that. It changes a lot more than what I just listed, I saw a list somewhere of the differences marriages make over civil unions in the eyes of the law and it was a lot.

In addition, equality under the law (why is that too much to expect?) seems to help the gay community become more accepted and feel more included whereas whenever a state amends its constitution to define marriage between a man and a woman that (or the resulting jubilant celebration after and/or the nod to bigots that their bigotry is okay, so act on it) is followed by a spike in suicide by gays, especially youth.

[Anonymous]

Yes, we are living together for 3 years.

I love him very much and I know he loves me and I know he meant it all nice and everything and I do feel really bad that I spoiled it all. Now I think that maybe I should've do it for him. If you love someone, you think about this person's needs first, I guess.

[EvenOlderButWiser]

Marriage matters.

Anyone who says it doesn't either hasn't experienced it, or they have a very cynical view of life in general and the shelf life of their own relationships in particular.

However, I have to be honest and say Im not a very big supporter of same sex marriages, although I fully support the concept of legal partnerships between same sexes and equal legal rights between same sex partners.

You probably just broke his heart and crushed his whole idea of romance dead. Made even worse by the fact that others already knew of his intentions.

I suspect (and only you will know this as you live with him) that he wanted to make a public declaration of his love and commitment to you, in front of the people you both care about.

Have you thought about an alternative type of commitment ceremony that does not involve marriage?

if it was me, and I asked my SO to marry me after being together for 7 years and he said no, not only would I be crushed, Id be showing him the door.

You need to rescue the situation, so have a talk and discuss alternatives to a marriage ceremony, that still meets what ever his desires are.

ObW
X

[driftwood]

I do feel really bad that I spoiled it all. Now I think that maybe I should've do it for him. If you love someone, you think about this person's needs first, I guess.

He is the one who spoiled it. There's no way around that.

If you love someone, you consider his needs, but your first directive should always be "To thine own self be true." If you want to marry him out of love for him, and you can consider that you are also being true to yourself, go for it, but don't do it from guilt. Make sure you think long and hard about it. And remember that you may come to resent the way he disregarded your needs.

OlderButWiser posted a good solution while I was writing this. it may be the best way to salvage your relationship. Probably a much better solution than to go back to him and say you changed your mind.

[princealbertofb]

Well, I don't know if you two have considered this, but maybe it is time to apologise for your conduct, just to make sure that he understands where you're coming from. OK, he should have prepared himself for a NO, but he still wanted to give it a try.

The thing is, people change, and sometimes they change their minds, and they often change their minds with time... so I'm not sure how unreasonable it was of your partner to ask you to marry him... Had he prepared this and put his heart in the proposal, or was he just taking the opportunity (using a romantic setting that just happened to be) to do so? Maybe he just didn't time this well.

Ok, back to business. This is a time to take stock of your relationship and also to find the pros and cons of being in a marriage, or staying well out of it.

Maybe if you both sit down and list the reasons why you think a marriage would be good, or NOT be good, then maybe you could come to an understanding of the other's position and come to a compromise that won't ruin the relationship you've already got.

Make sure that you think of reasons for marriage as well as you encourage him to think of reasons for NOT marrying. Wearing the shoe on the other foot is probably the best way to mend something that's broken or breaking....

Perhaps in his heart of hearts he knew you might or would refuse the bond he was proposing... but what was the harm in asking? Marrying another man is such a new possibility for most of us, that maybe we're not moving at the same speed on this idea, maybe we're not always on the same page?

Did you feel set up? Did you feel trapped? Did it make you feel uncomfortable? I think you probably both need to see why one of you believes in marriage and why one of you doesn't see the point of it: different personal histories, different hopes and different fears, surely. They need to be assessed.

Good luck with finding some answers and continuing the relationship.

[princealbertofb]

So my boyfriend and me, we're together for 7 years, we're living together and some time ago he proposed to me and I refused. ...

Why is marriage so important to everyone? What does that ring change in couple's feelings? Am I alone the marriage hating freak?

So, Anonymous, the ring thing.... it's only a symbol. You could very well have a marriage and no ring. I'm sure some people don't enjoy wearing a ring, and some even take them off when they find it cramps their style... But I would say that you're not a freak. The reasons why marriage is so unpalatable to you are your own, and need to be aired more clearly. Would it be conceivable for you to take marriage counselling even though you're not married?

Just saw this film called Hope Springs with the wonderful Meryl Streep and the no less wonderful Tommy Lee Jones. I think it may help you to start explaining things. Get a copy and watch it together? Then discuss.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1535438/

[TonyAndonuts]

However, I have to be honest and say Im not a very big supporter of same sex marriages, although I fully support the concept of legal partnerships between same sexes and equal legal rights between same sex partners.

Wait...that confused me. You don't support it, but you do?

[Anonymous]

Yes, he had prepared for this and he told me he was upset by my refusal. However, as hard as I may try, I don't see any benefit of marrying.