My boyfriend is asexual and agrees to sex just because of me

[Bowyn Aerrow]

I doubt he is actually asexual.

Most people who claim that label actually suffer from Sexual Anorexia.

Most of the people who I met in NA/AA and in group therapy who went through their 'I'm asexual' phase, where they were mistaken about who and what they really were because few people have ever heard of Sexual Anorexia thus they mistakenly labeled themselves.

There are real asexual people out there, but they are far fewer than all who claim this title.

I don't know your partner, but if he has a history of being abused in any way (emotionally, physically, verbally, sexually, etc) then chances are higher that he is not naturally asexual, but may actually have hang-ups around sex and intimacy in general. Which includes, but is not limited to Sexual Anorexia.

If so, then your forcing him to have sex is further abuse and doing moderate to severe damage to any recovery he may have from previous 'horrors' in his life leading to this issue.

Then there is a whole category of physical issues that can lead to low sex drive and lack of interest in sex in general. If he is a 'kid' (in his 20's) most likely this is an underlying condition that is readily resolved if he brings it to the attention of a physician. IF he is over 40 it could be low T, which is treatable now days.

Lets look at this as a 'medical problem' first and foremost. If he doesn't have a clinical diagnoses from either a physical or a psychiatrist/psychologist, then I strongly suggest he gets himself checked out and gets a medical diagnosis on his sex drive.

Clearly he wants to give you what you want, if he is a sexual anorexic or has other intimacy issues there may be treatment options that will help him resolve these inner issues and make him more able/willing to do things with you.


However, don't ever expect him to be the one to initiate sex, or intimacy. Unless this is a physical issue, chances are high he will never be fully functional in sex and intimacy in a 'normal' way, and always need his partner to take the lead. However he may actually discover an ability to actually enjoy his partner if he seeks help.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

I dont know much about asexuality as well, however I will do some research about it now. He says that it's not a mental problem, but there are some percent of people who don't have the desire for sex and intimacy, neither do they masturbate. He told me he has been like this always. I asked about abuse too, he denied it.

I love him and I don't want this relationship to end. Maybe it't not a problem for him to sleep with me, when I need it, but it is a problem for me. I don't want him to have sex with me just because he has to, like an obligation. I feel like a monster forcing him to do something he doesn' t want.

I come from an abusive childhood. In my 20's I lied through my teeth, even came up with an alternative life history which included the sad fact my father left my mother when I was around 6 and that my mother died when I was 18... This covered the whole 'Lets go meet your folks' thing my partners would have suggested.

This behavior is typical of many who come from an abusive home situation, if they have broken away and moved away from their folks, then they come up with alternative life histories and hide the abuse.

IF there is sexual abuse, many will deny it even to therapists.

8 months into a relationship is not long enough to actually know anything about him and his past. IF there was abuse from anyone, he most likely will be in serious denial. If not his parents, then someone may have broken him.

IF it was someone other than parents and it was molestation, he may have been hiding this from everyone including his folks.

With this said, I would suggest couples counseling. A couples therapist will strongly urge both of you to attend individual sessions and combined sessions. If he is hiding something a therapist has a greater chance of getting him to admit it than you (his partner) will.

[Anonymous]

Yes, 8 months probably are not long relationships, but they already mean a lot to me.

When I asked him about abuse, he said that almost everyone who meets asexual person, thinks that their lack of desire for sex is caused by some kind of abuse, however he strongly states that he has not been abused and somehow I believe him. Why would he lie about it, when he has already told me so very much about his life, about his partners, his previous relationships, his struggle with accepting his asexuality. I see that as a deep trust. He has revealed so much of his life already, then why would he lie about abuse, if there had been any?

He's 26, by the way.

I suggested some kind of therapist today, offered him to go together. He answered that he doesn't need medical help and there's no point of it, because it's who he is and just like you can't cure being homosexual, you can't cure being asexual. He even offended a little and was like "please, don't treat me like a mental patient".

[Bowyn Aerrow]

Why would a survivor of abuse lie? Abuse does some serious damage to the 'normalcy' centers of a person's brain. A lot of abused individuals end up feeling guilty for various reasons. Sure they didn't do the abuse, but they feel guilty. Then there is shame and fear of rejection and those who do talk about it to anyone usually get hit with the 'This is unbelievable' card where the astonished listener says or does something to lead the abuse survivor to think that that person believes that the abuse survivor is lying.

I didn't start actually owning my own childhood until I was nearly 29, and that was after my suicide which was a success, but the doctors in the ER resuscitated me... twice. It took a major life altering event (my own death) to get me to actually start looking at my problems the real foundation of why this person is so.... well the way I am/was.

That is, as I would learn, pretty typical for many survivors of abuse. They go through this long period of denial, hiding the 'reality' and then wait until it becomes a huge problem that deals a huge blow to them before they 'own it' and start dealing with it. Addictions, self harm, suicide attempt(s), all sorts of serious 'problems' that lead to the person reaching a 'bottom' in their life and they have no other choice but to face their reality and start doing something about it. Until then, denial is pretty much the safest bet.

If he is a survivor of abuse, he can lie to you about that whole segment of his life, but be 100% honest and open about everything else. I know that sounds like its contradictory or somehow 'wrong' to the relationship, however if he is lying about something like that its self defense, its survival mode kicking in - its not aimed at you, its not malicious or seeking to harm you.

I take it you have never been abused, if so you can't possibly know and understand how it works on the mind of a survivor. Yes for normal people the whole 'Truthful about everything means they are truthful about not being abused' would apply. For abuse survivors they can be open and honest about so much in their life, but lie through their teeth abuse their abuse.

And most often than not they are lying to you, or who ever asked the question, they are lying to themselves because they so badly want to have had a normal life and not gone through 'that experience(s)'.

As for therapy, you need to tell him that this situation is not working out well for you. You need to tell him you are tired of feeling like a rapist, you need to explain to him that you love him and this feeling that you are hurting him is killing that love.

Couples counseling will help BOTH of you to deal with whatever it is that is going on. If a therapist says 'Yep, this dude is Asexual' then you two can work on that and find solutions to where you get something that you want without feeling like a rapist.

As it stands, this relationship is not going to survive long. If he is Asexual and there is no coming back from that, then he needs to let you go and go and find another asexual person two where they can have that relationship that suits their needs. And you need to have a man who can reciprocate in and out of bed.

Each time you do have sex and you get all of these bad feelings, all its doing is planting a seed of resentment and sooner than later all of those seeds become toxic weeds in your realtionship. The sad thing is that you most likely will explode over something silly and stupid, such as he hangs the toilet paper the 'wrong way'... So you end up ending the relationship for the 'wrong' reason, and both of you end up full of unsatisfied feelings and guilt and lots of other things, never fully having concluded this relationship.

[Buzzer]

As for the "selfish" part... I think those, like myself, have a responsibility to be fair and open with potential partners about how they feel. If the potential partner isn't okay with the potential lack of sex, then they don't have to pursue a relationship with them.
I always tell guys who are interested in me that I'm not looking for anything sexual. It's best to be upfront about it from the beginning to avoid issues like this to begin with.

I agree that's totally fair, but in the case of the OP, it was more like the asexuality was willfully "concealed" due to the fact that he had experience with previous partners not being able to work around it. In total honesty this was a rather intentional deception on the boyfriend's part, as he admitted that it had caused issues in past relationships so he avoided letting the OP know about it. I guess broadly my question is, why does someone with (truly) no sexual desire want a boyfriend or girlfriend as opposed to say, an intimate friendship or a variety of intimate friendships? I suppose that's my question.

[Anonymous]

I don't think it's so easy to let go someone you love. I can't let him go. I've thought a lot about it and probably I would be with even if it means no sex at all. He's so special I can't imagine my life without him. Maybe I'll manage to persuade him to go to couples counseling, although I understand why doesn't he want to do it. I guess I won't be too comfortable discussing intimate questions with some third person.

About why does someone with (truly) no sexual desire want a boyfriend or girlfriend, the answer is quite easy I guess. Asexual people fall in love too. They just don't pay that much attention to the body of their beloved. Sex and love are two different thing, I guess.

[BYoNexus]

Hmm...

I have to wonder, if he's really asexual, I wonder why he choose a gay relationship.

the same way a homoromantic would be in a gay relationship but not be homosexual? Asexual is related to sex exclusively. It does not mean the person does not fall in love. It literally means they do not like sex, either gay or straight.

[CellarDweller]

He's 26, by the way.

I suggested some kind of therapist today, offered him to go together. He answered that he doesn't need medical help and there's no point of it, because it's who he is and just like you can't cure being homosexual, you can't cure being asexual. He even offended a little and was like "please, don't treat me like a mental patient".

How did you word the request for therapy? If it was to "help him" I can see why he may be offended.

I would suggest trying again, and letting him know it's a "couple's therapy" so that the two of you can discover together how to navigate this challenge to your relationship.

[Double007]

I have a different idea. Rather than give him the impression that something is wrong with him, ask him some questions about what he finds sexy. Is there something that turns him on? Which of your body parts does he like? Where does he like to touch you? Where does he like to be touched? Is there something specific he wants you to do? Can you model for him in some undies or dance for him? Just some thoughts.

[Vigarde]

I agree that's totally fair, but in the case of the OP, it was more like the asexuality was willfully "concealed" due to the fact that he had experience with previous partners not being able to work around it. In total honesty this was a rather intentional deception on the boyfriend's part, as he admitted that it had caused issues in past relationships so he avoided letting the OP know about it. I guess broadly my question is, why does someone with (truly) no sexual desire want a boyfriend or girlfriend as opposed to say, an intimate friendship or a variety of intimate friendships? I suppose that's my question.

That's a good question. I suppose it just boils down to what each individual wants. I have a handful of very good friends, but I do crave somebody I can come home to at night, discuss my thoughts/feelings with, and lay next to at night.