My boyfriend is asexual and agrees to sex just because of me

[Anonymous]

My boyfriend and me, we're together for 8 months and everything would be ok. He's wonderful, the best person I've ever met. We fell in love quickly and approximately after a month of dating we started to have sex. I noticed right away that he's quite tense and not very passionate in bed, however I thought that it might be because we didn't really know each other's bodies yet and it would get better with time. However it did not. Every time we made love, he just did the things I initiated and I never felt any initiative coming from him. He never even kissed me first. We only had sex when I wanted to, even after a hard day in the job he never refused me. I thought and thought about it until this one night when we were having sex and one moment I kind of glanced at his face and he was just expressionless, as if he wouldn't feel anything.

Then I asked him what is wrong and demanded that he told me the truth. And then he told me that he's asexual person, he doesn't want and need to have any sex. We had a long talk, he told me about his previous relationships, when he was honest with his partners and they either tried to change him or just broke up with him after finding out he doesn't want sex. And then he met me and fell in love so much that in order to not lose me as well, he decided to not talk about his asexuality and just give me what I need even though he doesn't want it himself. He was virgin before me too.

To be honest, I was kind of shocked. If he doesn't want it, then basically it's like I've been raping him all this time. He explained he understood that in order for us to stay together he has to give me a complete relationship. I don't know what to do now. I won't be able to have sex with him again, because now I know he doesn't like it. He says that his feelings don't matter, that it's ok and he'll do anything to please me. He was like "when you want to have sex, just tell me and you'll get it". But I don't want him to just agree to it. I want him to want it, just like I do.

I don't know what'll happen to our relationships now. His love is platonic, but strong, he said he'd take a bullet for me. I love him a lot and I don't want to break up. I don't want to live without sex too, but I don't want him to sacrifice himself for my well being. He doesn't want to lose me and I don't want to lose him, but how should our relationships function now?

[Eth21]

Hmm I really can't help I've never encountered a situation like this and tbh didn't really know what asexual was.

However it clear he really loves you and if you can avoid breaking up please do so at all costs!! But I can understand about wanting him to enjoy sex and not being able to do it with him now but as you said I wouldn't try to change him as that's clearly not worked in the past.

Sorry!! I'm not much help but I'm sure others will be able to!!!

[Rainbowmum]

That's a tough one , perhaps a sex therapist can shed more light on it , or could at least offer alternative ways that will work for both of you.

I know you do not want to lose him, maybe an open relationship is the way to go.
He loves you and I know you never want to hurt him ,the question is can you live in a relation ship without sex.

[partis]

Asexual just seems to me a conviniant way of labelling a problem that could have any number of reasons behind it.

I dont blame for how you, nobodys wants make love to a body, they want make love to a person, particularly in a relationship.

I dont understand how you can not like sex, umm no, his balls must be like melons

[larafan25]

homosexual just seems to me a conviniant way of labelling a problem that could have any number of reasons behind it.

I dont blame for how you, nobodys wants make love to a body, they want make love to a person, particularly in a relationship.

I dont understand how you can not like sex, umm no, his balls must be like melons

I'm sure it's quite possible he's asexual.
_______________________________________________________________
I think the question is, much much does it bother him to have sex? Or is he just apathetic? I mean, if he's willing to have sex with you, and it doesn't bother him, he's simply not horny, then maybe it's not a problem for him?

And if it is not a problem for him, to do this for you, you'll have to let go of all the guilt you may have about it, and trust that he wants to have sex with you, for you.

[Pix]

One, you're not raping him because he's agreed to it. You can agree to sex without wanting it. Gays have done it quite a bit in straight marriages, and I've given pity sex a few times in my youth. Most prostitutes don't want sex (at least not with their johns) but rather money yet they make the decision to (freelancers anyway, slaves in a pimp's stable are another matter). That's not to say it's unreasonable to want him to enjoy the experience, sex is something most want to share and want to feel desired rather than grudgingly tolerated.

That said, I'd be disturbed by his blanking out, as if stepping outside his body while it happens. That seems like disassociation to me which is bad, and also screams a history of abuse, and probably sexual abuse at that. In short, I don't think it's healthy for him, nor do I think it can last because sooner or later he'll explode (or implode), one way or another. Perhaps he's even working out past sexual abuse with you (subconsciously).

If it were me I'd look into some kind of counseling or therapy, though only very carefully given how many in the mental health profession are incompetent or even projecting their own unresolved issues into their clients. At the very least I'd point out that there are dating sites for asexuals who want romance without the sex (the one group I can see who really do need the internet for that...).

[ardus]

I think some sort of counseling or therapy might be the best way to go as others have said. I know what you mean about feeling connected, I just ended a relationship because I didn't feel connected to the man I was with. It's very difficult to enjoy the physical aspect of sex when you have an emotional block in your head about it. Hopefully the two of you can explore what's happening together and find a solution.

Richard

[Woollyhats]

Hmm...

I have to wonder, if he's really asexual, I wonder why he choose a gay relationship. It's unusual to me. Is it possible he maybe has a low sex drive? He might romantically love you very much, but perhaps he doesn't really enjoy sex as much as you.

So maybe he doesn't enjoy sex, but he seems to be there in every other way for you, and he seems willing to be there sexually as well. I don't think likening it to rape is a good comparison, because he is doing this for you, and honestly, if it was totally revolting and horrifying as rape is, he wouldn't stay.

There must be some things that satisfy him sexually. Most men masturbate naturally, he must think or do something when he does so. Perhaps you can find a way to give back to him sexually, so you don't feel you are taking advantage of him.

Personally, whether or not he enjoys sex as much as you, it seems like you are good together. The only problem really is that he isn't enjoying sex -- but perhaps a sex therapist or thinking outside of the box might be able to help with that.

[Anonymous]

I dont know much about asexuality as well, however I will do some research about it now. He says that it's not a mental problem, but there are some percent of people who don't have the desire for sex and intimacy, neither do they masturbate. He told me he has been like this always. I asked about abuse too, he denied it.

I love him and I don't want this relationship to end. Maybe it't not a problem for him to sleep with me, when I need it, but it is a problem for me. I don't want him to have sex with me just because he has to, like an obligation. I feel like a monster forcing him to do something he doesn' t want.

[CellarDweller]

I would suggest a joint counseling session. Perhaps a few. He should also have a physical, perhaps the issue is medical.