LTR Advice...

[jslash85]

Hey all,

I'm posting here because I need some objective advice.

I've been in a relationship with my partner for almost 10 years now. I'm in my late 20s, he's in his mid 30s. He and I met online, and after emailing and chatting ended up dating. I fell very quickly for him. I told him I loved him within a month. However, there were some growing pains early on. I was still very insecure, and he drank a lot. I ended up flirting with guys online, so he ended up flirting with guys in public, so I ended up flirting with the same guys in public, until it eventually blew up. We forgave each other and he ended up moving in with me.

Around this same time, he lost his job. He has bipolar disorder so we agreed that it'd be ok if he stayed home and assumed domestic duties and I became the breadwinner. However, the bipolar disorder has its own challenges. He wasn't medicated at first, but began to give up drinking and began taking meds. We moved, and he had something of a relapse, and so I reacted in the same passive agressive way as before. Again we forgave each other and moved on. (This was around 5 years ago.) Since then, we've had ups and downs but things have been mostly consistent. Most of our problems are the simple day-to-day general life type problems involving money and that sort of thing.

I have been suffering with clinical depression for my entire adult life. Recently, I've realized things have gotten very bad for me. I don't know exactly when it happened, but I found myself sad, empty, and almost unable to feel. I realized that deep down I hate myself, and that I've put up very high walls to protect myself from bad feelings. I've taken steps to start fixing myself, and I want to address the way I'm feeling about my relationship, but I'm not sure how, or even if I should. I also know that a component of this is the fact that I am not out to my parents (although I am to his) and I keep the details of the relationship to myself. I have realized lately that this makes me feel guilt as if I am embarrassed by the relationship.

I often end up feeling like the parent in the relationship, and that drives me crazy. I feel like because of his mental condition, I end up bearing the weight of responsibility for everything, because he either won't or can't. That in turn makes me feel guilty. I don't blame him for this, but I know that this burden and recent financial hardships have contributed greatly to my most recent bout of depression.

The thing that probably bothers me the most (to use a cliche) is that the "spark" feels like it's gone. I want to feel silly and stupid and romantic again, but I don't know how or even if I can. I don't know if it's my problem, the relationship, or both. Neither he nor I participate in the "scene" very much, nor do we have lots of friends outside the relationship that we hang around with. However, I still end up seeing happy affectionate couples in public and feeling insanely jealous. Yet, I find it so hard to try to feel that way myself.

Any and all advice is appreciated. Thanks for reading.

[southbiochem]

Well, you ar dealing with the problems of 2 people. That's a lot.

1.- The parents: I get the fear or the reticence all too well, but at your age and in your situation, what harm will come from coming out? They can't do anything to you anymore. Putting off this weight off your shoulder will certainly be helpful.

2.- Him: He needs to continue his treatment relentlessly. And as soon as he can, retake a normal life. Economically it will be bliss, but also for the both of you.

3.-You: There's nothing wrong with feeling like you do dealing with all you are right now. As much as you have to support your BF you need to take care of yourself too. Seek counseling and get help. And make sure that psychologist knows everything you're dealing with.

Perhaps you 2 need to seek join couseling too.

4.- The spark: Every relationship will simmer down eventually. Specially if problems arrive. The only question is do you 2 love each other to the extent of staying together despite this? Cause there are ways to re-live the relationship (other folks more experienced would tell you exactly what).

But the first thing and the most important is that you 2 go through with solving your respective mental health issues. Otherwise you won't make any progress.

[EvenOlderButWiser]

If your 28 now, and been in the relationship for almost 10 years, and in that time assumed the role of breadwinner because of his condition, then Im not surprised to hear that things are somewhat off the boil between you.

10 years is a long time to maintain a straight relationship never mind the additional challenges a same sex one throws at you. Im just over 10 in mine, so well aware of that particular challenge!

You say the romantic spark has gone. Have you tried to bring it back? The unexpected flowers, romantic dinner at home etc? Have you thought about perhaps trying to take a holiday together?

SBC has rightly pointed out that not only are you working hard to maintain the relationship as well as being the breadwinner, your also still covering up the fact that your gay. Is there a reason you have not come out to your parents (or siblings) yet? That would definitely be one huge weight lifted from your already burdened shoulders. You should be proud of the fact that you have maintained the relationship for 10 years, its nothing to be embarrassed about at all!

Is your partner able to work at all and make a contribution towards the running costs of maintaining the home? That would also help and take some of the immediate pressure off of you.

Good Luck

ObW
X

PS to the Forum

[Chris]

However, I still end up seeing happy affectionate couples in public and feeling insanely jealous

And most of them probably have similar way as you to come through, awaiting. Don't look at others because you know nothing about their lives. Many people look happy from the outside, hiding problems only for themselves. Focus on your relationship and think what would you like to do, not comparing to others

[Rainbowmum]

Sweetie you have so much on your shoulders right now ,time to give yourself a break.
Fix what you can and ask for help where you cannot.

10 years is a very long time and no doubt there are a lot scars that have not healed completely.
As for the spark being gone ,relationships as you know take a lot of work.

Right now my concern is for your mental state and health , depression can be very disabling as it is, let alone when you are under the pressure of being there for someone else's problems.
I could be wrong but I very much doubt that you are seeing things in a clear light right now,time to seek professional help.

Take care of yourself first , it is not selfish it is essential.

We are all here for you.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

Couples Counseling.

That is my best advice I can give you.

I know depression, I get it every winter. Depression turns mole hills into mountains and makes every little problem into this huge impassible mountain. And the really big problems... forget it.

Nothing you have written about is really safe for you to tackle on your own. Sorry.

Everything here is interconnected in ways I can't imagine.

Yes you have listed the problems. You know them.

A couples therapist will not only want both of you as a couple, but both of you as individuals.

You say your partner is on meds, is he doing therapy? No? Why not?

You, are you medically treated, seeing a therapist? No? Why not?

Financial. SSD/SSI is available for bi-polarism. Yes he will automatically be denied the first filing. It happens to nearly everyone. Most get denied the second time. It takes a social security advocate (lawyer, which is why they advertise all the time on TV, its a bit scam, I mean business) and a judge to get approved more often than not.

It takes about two years, longer in some areas of the USA.

Once he gets on it he most likely will be on it for life. I take it with medication this means he is under a doctors care, I would strongly suggest you speak to the doctor(s) as a couple.

YOU: There are pills for depression. These are stop gap and make it more bearable. No they ain't perfect, most of them the doctors have no clue why they work. Therapy is always a good idea along with the drugs.

Can't afford a therapist? There are many counties that have financial aide programs. Now there is the Affordable Health Care Act (Obama-Care) which I have no idea how this affects mental health care. No doubt therapy is available to you. Used to be sliding scale - I did sliding scale therapists for my plethora of mental/emotional hiccups...

No spark - typical for a LTR. in fact this is pretty much a given for any relationship.

A CT will make that clear. And I suspect a CT will help both of you to understand where you are both perfectly, acutely, horribly 'normal' when it comes to couples issues - which most likely is in many places that you seem to think is unique owning to the Bipolar and Depression thing.

[Letmar]

root cause analysis... address your depression... also ask for your partner's support on the matter, you have been there for him all these years, he should try to pick up his game!

Look for a therapist, let it all out... you are well on your way already... you've asked for advice.