A Freakin' Teddy Bear (help me get over this)

[southbiochem]

Ok, Bowyn and OBW and I suppose Marshlander (all senior guys, hmmm)

You know I'm usually on your side but this time I will not.

How can you think for a moment there's no hypocrisy in getting mad over a few probably non important pics and at the same time shoving to his face a tangible object of clear important sentimental value of a past relationship.

Let's start with the pics. Yes, it was a bad idea, and juvenile to do that. Probably meant as a joke but had some serious effects.

Ok, Jeri you don't do that. It will make him think you're considering other guys, that you don't take the relationship seriouly. He will compare himself with those guys. H emay think you think and lust over other guys still.

Sure an apology over that bad idea is mandatory. They may not mean anything to you right now, but you need to delete those pics if you haven't by now.

But I won't go as far as saying you don't need to adress somethings yourself.

How do all of you older guys think it's OK to have a souvenir of a past relationship for the new guy to see at all times?

You say the guy will compare himself to those pics. Don't you think that the OP will constantly compare himself to the guy's ex?

See, past potential fucks buddies, hook-ups or whatever are quite meaningless in the long run compared to the importance of a past relationship and more so when it is represented at all times by that teddy bear.

He doesn't need to get rid of it. Not if it means that much to him, but certainly is quite unfair and hurtful to shove that in the current BF's face at all times.

This kind of things, you keep to yourself. You move them somewhere else. Or at the very least you keep them from knowing "hey this is from my ex and it means the world to me".

You find it annoying? Probably is, but the fact is that the OP is hurt about this.

The OP while acted naively, is not completely childish, as he said nothing at first of how it upset him.

He is within his right, while needing to offer an apology, to demand one back.

[Woollyhats]

I agree with a lot of the advice given...I'll try to be simple.

When you offer to show your boyfriend pictures of previous boyfriends, he may on some level associate this with things like dating apps or still talking to them. It might not even make sense, but the emotional response is what matters here.

The teddy bear is probably something that reminds your boyfriend of good things from a past relationship --- a symbol that he's grown, and has a reminder of past times that were nice for him. It might not hold any relationship specific value, but just be a memory type keepsake. I can understand keeping something like this --- my family has a 'hope chest' tradition, which literally means we all have a small box or chest, and we place items with important sentimental significance in the box to look at when we're thinking back.

I do not think the bear alone is something that necessarily should elicit a jealous response --- it's just a bear. Pictures, however, can carry the implication of well.... being masturbated over or longed over.

It might make him insecure.

The best thing honestly is to talk about this all openly, and not place blame, and be considerate of his feelings. For example, if he admits the pictures made his insecure and jealous, reassure him and give him a hug, etc. . Things like this naturally pop up, but working them out makes your relationship stronger.

[James]

So ex's that come over with their new boyfriend's for advice or help on some issue isn't in the realm of want to see my ex as their boyfriend,s ask questions too. A teddy bear be serious, I still have handmade valintine's that bring back good memories and feelings even though the maker is long gone out of my life. Certain memories of good times can help any new realationship but you have to be carful not to compare just remember. Jim

[driftwood]

Hi Jeri & welcome to GS!

I don't think you have so much to be concerned about. You're not juvenile, just inexperienced. Bringing up the pictures was a major blunder, but forget it & move on. Life is for learning.

we rarely ever argue ... Everything is great.

This, on the other hand is a bad sign. If two people rarely argue, it usually means they are ignoring differences because they don't want to make waves. They want everything to be smooth. That usually happens when we are infatuated. But within nine months the infatuation usually fades enough that we begin to mention things (large or small) that bother us. The sign of a healthy relationship is dealing with the differences well.

Am I just being juvenile here to feel threatened or jealous? Does he still hold sentimental values to his ex? ...

No, you're not being juvenile, but again your inexperience is giving you trouble. Yes he still has sentimental feelings for his ex. If and when this relationship ends (most do sooner or later) both of you will retain some love for each other. If you don't, it only means that there was nothing there in the first place.

Without any previous relationships, it would be difficult for you to understand the nature of one's feelings for a past lover. The feelings are okay. I have a lot of ex's, and I have mementos of each of them. The closest way to describe it to you is that it's probably similar (that's 'similar' NOT 'identical') to your feelings for your father, your mother, siblings, others you have been close to. Each of our close relationships has value, and that's what we are holding onto when we keep mementos. Not clinging, which would be unhealthy, but keeping.

I'm not going to belabor this point, because I think Pix and Bowyn Aerrow have both made the case very clearly. But my advice is to tell him you've reconsidered, and you don't want him to throw out something that's important to him. You would be justified in asking him to keep it in his closet, but please don't ask him to throw it out.

The thing that really bothered me was when I brought it up that night he said to not talk about it, that it would just cause problem...

You are right to be bothered by this. You need to communicate. You need to discuss everything that comes up. This goes back to the rarely arguing. You need to argue when there's something to argue about. It can be unpleasant while it's happening, but it will bring you closer in the long run. If there's a sense of loss there, believe it or not, you can share and empathize with that sense of loss.

[jpmachados]

You can tell him this kind of thing slowly...

Just tell what you don't like and see what he'll do...
9 months is the enought to ask things but I dont think that you can ask him to through his things out.. It's not because he save some files or things that he likes or something...

Live your life and avoid discussions... The life is so short to spend time with fights..

[Rainbowmum]

Hi Jeri ,

Showing your partner the pictures of your ex lovers is really in bad taste,just saying.
As for the teddy bear ,please do not read too much into it ,he likes the thing pure and simple.

I still have a bracelet from 35 years ago that an ex gave to me .
Don't over think things and do not let insecurities ruin a good thing.

[EvenOlderButWiser]

However, I'll have to disagree with you on the teddy bear. I am no way comparing myself to a teddy bear, he's not having sex with it. What bothers me is the sentimental value that can be attached to such a gift, and it being set in plain site for him to see and remind himself of what was each and every day. I mean sure a jacket or a t-shirt I can understand but it's a sentimental item.

Jeri your missing the point about the teddy bear. You don't mention how long he was with the ex partner that gave him the teddy bear.

When your in a relationship for any length of time, the amount of "stuff" you collect is significant. I have 10 years worth of birthday cards, Christmas cards, valentines cards, Christmas presents, teddy bears and holiday trinkets that he's bought me. And he has the same from me. The fact is they are part of our relationship and part of the memories. If we were to split up tomorrow or god forbid something happened to him, I wouldn't be throwing all the stuff I collected away. All those memories of the good times, even some of the bad times. They are a part of me and always will be.

You shouldn't feel threatened in the relationship by inanimate objects from his past. They are memories to him, about something or someone from his past. Everyone has a past, some people are happy to discuss it in some shape or form, others just want to remember it for what it is. History.

When that person decides to move on from their past, and meets someone new, there isn't a button that either of you have marked "delete memories" Be happy that you found him, and live your life together for the now. For the future.

If your going to rake over his past then your getting into territory that in any relationship is best stayed away from, unless there is mutual agreement to discuss it.

If your unable to accept that he has a past, and start to demand he erase all aspects of it because you feel threatened by it, then your relationship is on a very insecure footing that can only end badly.

ITS JUST A BEAR, albeit one that has memories. Now if bears could talk, that would be a whole different conversation.....

ObW
X

[Evan88]

Well... it might be inappropriate to tell your bf that you'll be showing him the pics of boys you used to talk to.. If you would tell it to me, probably i will get a bit bothered but since those are just guys whom you haven't seen in person nor touched then i wouldnt really care. I would just say no, and on to the next topic...

But comparing what youve done, to what your bf is doing (yeah the freaking teddy bear) then i can tell you it's far more inappropriate.. It's like shoving his past relationship to your face everytime you go there. I dont want that and i wont do that. And what bothered me more is when you asked him about it, he told you it would just cause problem... Ok, i must acknowledge the fact that maybe, there is a good story behind that teddy bear, or maybe theyve been together for so many years, but does he really need to show it to you? He can just keep it if it has a sentimental value to him, you are not even asking him to throw it. Like what they say,things we dont see and know wont hurt us. Actually if someone will just explain things to me, i might really understand. But since he already said sorry, and you are still bothered about it...i guess you need to have a sit down and talk in a calm manner

So yeah, what you guys need is just an open communication. Clearly, you love each other so much that you dont even argue. So dont let this super minor stuffs affect the bond you have right now, first off, explain your side. Why did you keep all those pictures, explain it all to him. Personally, i know those things doesnt mean anything to you, maybe just for fun or future references. And now, let him explain why he kept the teddy bear, being displayed on the house... For sure he has some story about it. Understand it, be rational, and keep in mind you are his present love...

Communication, communication, communication...

[jyang913]

Thanks a lot guys. The problem has been resolved. I apologize on my end, and I didn't mean to offend him by jokingly suggesting to show him pictures of guys I use to talk to. He knew I was joking I wouldn't do such a thing. I guess in our relationship we share somewhat of a dark humor and we both are like that so he understands, that doesn't make my suggesting it any right though.

I am still very inexperience and juvenile, being 25 and being in my first relationship ever. He's the first gay guy I know and my first boyfriend so I never really had contact with the gay community before.

Again, thanks for all the advice. I know what I did was wrong, jealousy can destroy a relationship I understand that. We found a common ground and everything's okay. I am still learning and growing. :-)

[MisterTinkles]

I would think the solution is simple........

"I will delete my photos if you put that bear away".

And then talk about it.